The Deal

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'd like to just say thanks for the reviews! I always love 'em! It's thanks to you this story is alive! :) I'm also glad to say the angst is coming to a close, but the drama has just begun...so march on, fearless readers... * * * Chapter 11: Healing Factors * * * Kitty dropped me off at an old-fashioned diner next to the Dew Drop Inn. She'd said she'd wanted to talk to Logan for a minute before we met up again. I asked her why it had to be a diner, and not the hotel. "Oh please, Jean," Kitty countered, giving me a look. "You know exactly why. With you two it's always the same, and unless you're in public you're going to end up fighting or having sex. Or both." She had a point. "And sometimes even in public," I admonished. "When did you grow a sense of humor, Jean?" Kitty asked me, smiling a little. I shrugged. "Must be Logan rubbing off on you. I kinda like it," Kitty mused. Then she turned and left me at the door of the diner and got back in her car. She really wasn't kidding about the back seat, by the way-it was pretty grisly. There was plenty of blood, Logan's blood, covering the upholstery and I tried not to look at it or think about it too much. I was still pretty nauseous and I really didn't think throwing up on Kitty's dashboard was really going to help cement our renewed friendship. I walked into the diner and sat down at a booth. There was the smell of pastries in the warm, still air. There were two ceiling fans circling slowly above me, and a black-and-white checkered floor. It reminded me of the kinds of places I'd gone to as a child when my family took road trips. There was even a little penny-candy machine n the corner. It made me feel comforted somehow. And if I'd ever needed to feel comforted, this was it. I ended up ordering a piece of pie, intending it as nothing more than a conversation piece, but I ended up eating the whole slice out of nervousness. What's taking so long, I thought anxiously to myself. Was there some kind of problem? Maybe Kitty was wrong and he didn't want to see me after all? After the pie was gone, I began to shred my napkin into little bits on the table, just to give my fingers something to do. Then, I heard a soft ding as the door to the diner opened. There was Logan: jeans, cowboy boots, wife-beater, and flannel shirt. I can't say he looked too worse for the wear either, especially after the story Kitty had relayed. At that moment, I desperately wished I had a healing factor. The pie was not sitting too well with me anymore, and my nervousness jumped up several notches as Logan came closer. "Hey Jeannie," Logan said, his voice causing my stomach to turn as he gave me a soft look and sat down across from me. "Hey Logan," I replied, and then immediately jumped out of my seat and made a dash for the bathroom. When I was done puking, I came back wan and pale-faced to slump down across from him. We were the antithesis of each other at that moment; he looked perfectly calm, body language relaxed, one elbow propped on the back seat of the booth, while I probably looked like death. "You okay darlin?" he asked. "I will be once I get out of the first trimester. At least that's what Hank says," I replied with some chagrin. I suppose part of me had wanted to dazzle Logan with my beauty, and that certainly was not going to happen now. I had wanted to be the calm in-control one here, but our roles were clearly reversed. "You still mad?" was the next question Logan asked, trying to look me in the eye. I looked up at him to answer it, and then shifted my eyes back down. "Logan," I started. "I love you..." "But?" he finished my sentence, eyes looking sad. "But you drive me up the wall!" I said to him in an outburst. "I don't know what it is about you Logan that gets under my skin, but-when I see you, it's like lighting a match. I'm not myself. I love you, I hate you, I want you, I want to kill you..." He sat there listening to me with what could have been a half-smile on his face, but he knew better than that. I had his full attention. I continued. "Something about you makes me want you to just throw me down and take me. I always wanted that, even back when I was with Scott. I'd always be disgusted with myself for feeling that way. I'd hate you for it. Then I'd hurt you and that would make me hate myself, like a vicious cycle." Logan took a deep breath, pulling his arm off the seat and leaning forward on the table on both forearms. "And then I'd try and avoid you but that wouldn't work because you'd come sniff me out and start talking to me with that flirtatious innuendo and looking at me in that dirty way of yours," Logan chuckled and I threw him a mean look. "And then I finally couldn't take it anymore and I gave in, I gave in to you. And it was so good Logan. The sex, the companionship, the love, it was everything I thought it would be and more, and then suddenly I find all this stuff out about the Phoenix force, and about you knowing I might get pregnant and..." I stopped, clutching for words. "I'm scared Logan. I don't know how to handle it. I lashed out at you, but it's because I don't know how to handle you. I don't know how to handle us. I've never felt something so strong before and suddenly I can't tell good from bad, up from down, it's..." "Terrifyin'?" Logan asked me, eyebrows raised. I nodded. "You're not the only one, Red," he said. "Its... it's that way for you too?" I asked. Somehow I always thought of Logan as too jaded to ever really be overwhelmed by anything, especially love, corny as that may sound. "God, you don't even know the half of it," he said to me, shaking his head. "What you just said ta me...I know all that, Jeannie. I've known alla that since day one. It's why you wouldn't leave Cyke for so long, it's why you wouldn't look me in the eye half the time, that's why you went and kept all our passions outside in the woods instead of just letting me come in and share a bed." "But this was what you wanted," I protested. "Wasn't it?" "That's the problem Jeannie," Logan said to me. "Most of my life has been shit. Most of my life has been about survivin', not livin'. I never thought you were gonna love me back, Jean, it was a pipe dream. And when it happened, when suddenly everything I ever wanted just fell into my lap...well... I didn't know what to do either. I was desperate not to lose you, but I was just as desperate not ta let you see how scared I really was." "...really?" I asked, disbelieving. "I'm surprised ya didn't kick me out on my ass sooner. I was expectin' it. I assume it'll happen again, and Jeannie, I don't care. I know you baby, and when I picked ya I picked ya for who you are. The good an' the bad." I stared at him. He stared at me. "If you knew all that," I started, "Then...why did you love me? Why do you still love me, if... I mean, if you still do." Logan laughed at me. He instantly saw the hurt in my eyes and quickly put out a rough hand to cover mine. "Darlin', I'm in love with ya. I don't care what you do. You can yell at me, throw shit at me, push me off the goddamn Eiffel tower-I won't say I'll like it, but it's not gonna change the way I feel." "Why not?" I demanded. This was what had been bothering me. When I was with Scott, every day was a tightrope I had to walk. I wanted to look good enough for him, be smart enough, witty enough, feminine enough, loving enough. I knew that if I slipped up, even a little, it could change us. Change our love. And it had. What Logan was telling me-it didn't make sense. He slid his other hand over mine, so that he was holding both my hands, clasped together. "Because that's what real love is, Jean," he said. "It don't fade. It don't disappear just because a' some stupid fight. Real love ain't the glamour an' the Kodak moments. Real love is when you're pukin' an I'm there holdin' your hair. Its when I'm drunk dialin' you an' you're talkin' me through it. It's when we're lyin' in bed together in the early mornin' laughin' about some stupid thing Bobby said durin' combat. It's the little things. It's the mundane stuff, an' the ugly stuff that really matters. Don't ya see Jeannie?" I blinked. "That's how I feel about you, always. As long as you're around, I'll be around too Red. It's as simple as that." I sat there, staring at him like he was a lunatic. He had to be, to sit there and so calmly tell me what he'd just told me. Words I knew that Scott never could have said and meant. Was it really possible that Wolverine had just given me a lecture on the nature of unconditional love? I didn't know what to say. Logan was either the most romantic, faithful man I'd ever met in my life, or he was a complete psychopath. It was definitely one of those two options. And despite the fact that he had a rap sheet a mile long and six claws that came out of his hands and killed people, I already knew which option I was leaning towards. Maybe that meant I was a lunatic too, but hey. I had company. The man was in love with me. He was telling me face to face for the ninety-ninth time. Maybe, just maybe, this time I could get it through my thick pregnancy-hormone-addled skull. "Logan...God...I was such an idiot. I was so stupid. I want you back. I need you. I love you Logan, I do. Can you please, please forgive me?" I asked him eyes pleading. He gave a genuine smile and got up out of his seat. "Scoot over Red," he said, and slid into my side of the booth, an arm falling casually around me. God, it felt so good, just to have his physical presence back. He kissed me on the check and his stubble scratched my face. I suddenly broke out in a huge smile. "Mmm, Jeannie, I missed ya," he said, voice a low rumble. I sighed contentedly against him, hand resting against his chest, sitting together in the diner just like your average everyday couple. We stayed like that for a few minutes, while I basked in the glow of absorbing everything he'd just told me. I supposed I'd always thought it was too good to be true, but maybe... "So...I can throw things at you and you'll still love me, huh?" I asked. "Good deal." Logan laughed. "Sure ya can, but it's at your own risk. I'm pretty sure you owe Charlie a Ming vase, an antique fruit bowl an' a framed picture of him meetin' with the president." I blanched white. "Oh God, I threw THAT at you? That picture? Oh no." "Well... you threw it an' I sliced it into ribbons. I guess we can go fifty- fifty." I leaned my head against Logan's shoulder. "Logan?" I asked. "Can we go home now?" "I been waitin' for you ta say that. Sure thing darlin," he replied with a smile.