Issues

Issues

A/N: I'll be honest. I dislike dom!Logan fics (and sub!Remy fics too). So I wanted to deconstruct dom!Logan. Also, I keep seeing (in fanfic generally) the use of lyrics from "Closer" by NIN, with the apparent belief that "Closer" is a tender love song. Well, I'm taking these two conventions and I'm setting them on a head-on collision with reality. On to the fic...


I got issues. Don't I ever. The problem is how I fix'em. Or try ta at least.

He lets me. That hot fuckin' Cajun lets me do it. Lets me just tie him up and have my way with him. Rough him up, fuck him blind, do whatever.

I don't know what feels worse. The fact I like it or the... no, I don't like it. Tha Wolverine likes it. Not Logan.

Just after I finished up last time, I went ta the bathroom. Couldn't look at myself. It wasn't my face in that mirror. It was tha Wolverine. Still had some of Gambit's blood on his teeth. Sweet, salty, metallic and spicy.

When I got outta there, Remy was standin', gettin' dressed. Coverin' bruises.

"I'm... sorry Cajun."
"Don' be cher. Remy like de rough stuff a' times."
"It's just... I wish I didn't like doing this so much."
"Cher," Remy placed a hand on my shoulder, "don' worry. Kick a dog long enough, he jus' wanna kick back a' everyone an' everyt'ing."
Tha fuckin' bastard was pettin' a dog then. Pityin' tha fucked up lab rat that just got sick of bein' tied up and tortured, and decided ta tie up and torture other people.

That's what felt worse. I wasn't just an animal. I was a pitiful one.

Pity fucks always left a bad taste in my mouth. I got some whiskey ta wash it away.

Drinkin' and thinkin'. Bad combo. Looked at all tha ropes on tha bed. Reminded me too much of tha last time I was caged and fettered. I put tha ropes away and took another fuckin' gulp. This life o' mine... just being dragged from cage ta cage. So now tha Wolverine wants ta be tha cager. That animal inside me just wants a chance ta be alpha fer once. Overlord ta that hot Cajun... and when he's on his knees, lookin' up at me, those black eyes don't fear or respect or admire me. They pity me.

I wanna throw up.

Gambit didn't get off on grovellin'. He did it fer me. He felt sorry fer me. He's a whore with a heart o' gold. I ain't worthy o' him.

Just a pitiful animal. And it gets worse too. About half way through tha second bottle I started thinkin' this... how much I needed ta do what I did. Like carvin' up Cyke-holograms in tha danger room. Tyin' up Remy.. feelin' some power over somethin', anythin' at all. I couldn't feel any over myself or my life, so I had ta use Gumbo.

Just a needy, pitiful animal. It hurt needin' this. Lone wolf Logan needin' other people. Mister independence, practically beggin'. Real irony ain't it? Gambit might o' been beggin' in tha bedroom but I was tha real beggar.

Emptied tha second bottle. Then tha paradoxes began. Yeah, I know a big word, didn't expect that didja? But yeah, tha paradox. Seek power over others, need that power, then ya need others, so they got power over ya. I guess Hank would call it somethin' like "parasitic predation." Tha more I... no, the Wolverine... struggled fer power, tha more power he lost. Tha more enthralled he was. Which only pissed him off more.

Reminds me of a quote I read once from some philosopher I can't remember. "A leash is just a rope with a noose at both ends."

But the animal, it doesn't think. It doesn't care fer logic or smarts. It just roars and claws and demands and torments and kills. It can't be reasoned with. It just curses me with these urges.

A powerless, predatory, parasitic, dependent, needy, pitiful animal. I'm pathetic.

Next day I was walkin' past Jubilee's room. She was playin' some song; the lyrics stuck in my head.
"You let me violate you
You let me desecrate you
You let me penetrate you
You let me complicate you
Help me, I broke apart my insides
Help me, I got no soul to sell
Help me, the only thing that works for me
Help me get away from myself,

I want to fuck you like an animal
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to fuck you like an animal
My whole existence is flawed..."

Can't remember what happens after that. But yeah, they sounded how I felt. A soulless animal that can't bear ta look at himself in tha fuckin mirror, afraid o' what he might see.

That night I pounded Gambit through the mattress again. Left a lot o' bites on his neck. Some bloodstains on the sheets. After he left, I licked those stains fer hours before I fell asleep. Jerked off a few times over the taste.

I got issues. Don't I ever.

So, we all know what tha Wolverine wants. What does Logan want? Logan just wants ta know he ain't gonna be dragged back inta any cages, put on any leashes or treated like an attack dog ta be trained and sic'ed on someone's enemies. Maybe if... I start knowin' that, I could be able ta get over this.

Maybe then... I could give Gambit tha turnabout he deserves. Yeah, that's what Logan wants. Ta be able ta trust someone enough fer some fair fuckin' play. Just because I don't wanna be caged again, doesn't mean I wanna be no better than tha bastards that caged me.

Just hope Rems'll give me tha time I need.

I'll get over this.

The End