Living with Grief

pre-note: This is another one set during a story on fanfiction.net. The main story is titled "What Might Have Been". Well, actually, this takes place before that one begins. Just as I said in that one, I do not intend this to be the ultimate fate of these characters. It's AU and set in the future. As life progresses, some people change and others die. That's the way it is. Please do not get upset because one of your favorite characters has died. It happens, in the book and in life. Deal with it and remember this is only one story and I do not consider this an ultimate ending for my other stories, just a possible one.
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Living with Grief
by Dizi


(knock) (knock) (knock) ... (knock) (knock)

The knock on the door wasn't loud, but it broke the spell which seemed wrapped around Jenny's mind while staring at a blank TV screen. She didn't even remember sitting down. There was much she didn't remember over the last eighteen months. Nothing seemed to matter. Nothing did.

(knock) (knock) (knock) ...

Whoever was at the door was very insistent. They weren't going to go away. It was an effort to get up off the couch. More to put down the glass of scotch. She didn't bother laying down the cigarette. Who cared if she was smoking again after fourteen years? She DESERVED to smoke and drink if she wanted to.

(knock) (knock)

Jerking the door open, Jenny stared at her visitor. "Did you loose the key? AND your lock picks?"

"Not worth de effort, chere. Remy know you here." He didn't smile. It felt like years since he'd done so. Probably because it had been, for a real smile anyway. Normally Remy would scrounge one up, but he knew he didn't have to pretend with Jenny.

Turning away, Jenny went back to her spot on the couch. "If you're hungry, you're going to have to cook it yourself."

"If Remy get hungry, he do dat." Taking in the scene as he sat beside her, his expression didn't change. There was dirty dishes on the coffee table, snack wrappers on the floor, dust on all surfaces, even dirty clothes scattered around. For someone who had previously spent her life making sure everything around her was clean in the home she loved, Jenny's house looked like a disaster area. Jenny herself looked like hell. "Maid take de year off?"

"You might say that." Watching the smoke curl in the air, Jenny flicked the ash and took another drag. "What's the point in cleaning? There's no one here but me."

"What if Zelig see de place like dis?" Sure her son would be concerned, Remy couldn't understand how she didn't at least keep up appearances for him.

Jenny shrugged. "He doesn't come here. I told him not to. We meet at the park or the bar before hours, sometimes after. Not here. Memories, you know?"

"Oui, Remy know 'bout memories." And he did. Remy was eaten up with them. He couldn't forget Rogue, like Jenny couldn't forget Liese and Kurt. He had lost his love, how much worse would it have been if they had been married? To have lost their child at the same time? Remy couldn't and wouldn't pretend he understood all Jenny was suffering, but he understood not being able to escape the memories. "Maybe you should move, get a new house."

"I can't," she whispered. "I can't leave. This is our home."

"It be a house. Dere be other houses." Remy watched Jenny refill her glass, the bottle almost empty. He wondered if she had drank the whole thing this evening. Probably not, she wasn't drunk enough.

"Why do you keep coming back here, Remy? Why don't you move on? Find a new girl, maybe a home of your own?" She waited but he didn't answer. "For the same reason I can't move to a new house. We need our memories. They're all we have and we can't let them go."

"Rogue not dead, Jenny." He felt guilty at her wince. Remy hadn't said it to be cruel. It was simply the truth. Unlike Jenny's family, Rogue wasn't dead. Just dead to him. She had a family and children, a nice normal life. Without him. He put a hand on Jenny's arm. "Remy not mean to hurt you."

"I know. I can't forget, Remy." Tears started slowly falling from her eyes. "I just can't. I loved them so much..."

The cigarette had burned out but the glass was full. Remy took it from her limp fingers, placed it on the coffee table, and opened his arms. This was what he'd been waiting for.

'Her shoulder to cry on' was what she'd always called Remy. For some reason when Jenny needed to cry, he was there. Burying her face into his shoulder, she cried a torrent. His strong arms held her tight. One hand smoothed her hair down her back. Jenny cried tears from her soul since she felt like her heart was gone.

This wasn't like so long ago, it wasn't hidden fears or hurt feelings. Her husband and daughter were gone... dead. It wasn't the first time she'd cried since the fateful car crash. It wouldn't be the last time either. But it was the first time she'd let anyone see her cry since the funeral, the first time she'd let anyone hold her. For so long the only comfort she'd wanted had been from her husband, who wasn't there, would never be there again. It was nice to be held again.

Still crying, Remy's arms still around her, Jenny fell asleep...

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She woke in the spare bedroom she'd been sleeping in since... the accident. When she did sleep.

It had been Zelig's room until he manifested and moved to the X-Men's mansion, the school. After Rogue... left... Jenny and Kurt had changed it to a spare again. Mostly for Remy. He did go to the mansion at times, but never stayed there.

After getting up and dressed, Jenny started making her way to the kitchen. It was almost noon. She'd slept late. She had to go to work. Harry was in a nursing home due to a stroke a few years ago. If she didn't work, he would suffer for it. She might not do anything else but she DID take care of the bar.

Jenny didn't make it to the kitchen. Passing through the living room, she stopped in her tracks. Suddenly she couldn't bare the mess. Seeing a plastic grocery bag, she began to pick up the trash. If one of her kids had done this, she would have grounded them for a month!

Pain rolled through her at the thought, but Jenny didn't stop. Cleaning up after others and doing housework had been her way of coping years ago. It was time to pick up the habit again instead of a bottle. The bottle was far too easy of an answer and she did still have a son to think about. He didn't live with her anymore but didn't need a lush for a mother. The cigarettes were another matter. It would be a long while before she was ready to give them up again.

Having heard her activity, Remy came to investigate. His red on black eyes were sympathetic as he watched for a moment before silently helping.

With three bags full, Jenny paused. Remy took the opportunity to say, "Breakfast ready. Remy got hungry. Maybe Jenny hungry too? Dere be pancakes."

"I didn't think there was any real food in there," Jenny said in surprise. It had been a while since she'd been to the grocery store. The empty bags on the floor were from that long ago.

"Dere were some. No milk t'ough." He shrugged. "Remy bought some."

Nodding, Jenny couldn't meet his eyes. "Are you planning to stay for a while?"

"Can do dat," he replied softly. Jenny and Kurt had been there for him. He would stay for her as long as he could. Remy hadn't stayed in one place for a significant length of time in almost eight years.

"Would you do me a favor?" Her head was down, eyes trained on the trash sitting on the floor. It was time for some changes. "You don't have to."

"Remy help. What you need, chere?"

"Would you... would you clear out Liese's room?" Jenny's eyes closed and tears threatened, but she held them back. She hadn't been able to go in there, not in the whole eighteen months. "There might be some things one of Logan's girls can use. I think Zelig already got what he wanted, but you might check with him. Anything else... I don't care. I just need it gone."

"Don' worry 'bout a t'ing. Remy take care of it." Drawing her to her feet, he led the way to the kitchen. "Let's eat. Need fuel before goin' to work, non?"

"Yeah, I guess so. Haven't thought about food much lately."

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At about three in the morning, Jenny came home.

Curled up on the couch, Remy was fast asleep. Tiptoeing so as not to disturb him, she continued down the hall to the bedroom to change clothes.

The door to Liese's room was open. Her heart in her throat, Jenny went inside. Remy must have worked himself to exhaustion. It was completely empty and the cutesy fish border was scraped from the light blue walls. No more empty aquarium. No toys scattered on the floor. No clothes in the closet. No furniture. Nothing to say the green-skinned amber-eyed little girl, the daughter of her heart if not her body, had lived here.

It was what she'd wanted, what she'd asked Remy to do, but it hurt. It hurt so much.

She wanted a drink. Remembering her resolve from that morning, Jenny went to the bathroom, got out her cleaning supplies, and scrubbed the entire room until it gleamed and beyond. When she finished, she sighed in satisfaction. A dirty bathroom was just disgusting and she didn't know how she'd lived with it for so long.

Going into the backyard and sitting at the picnic table, Jenny then smoke several cigarettes and made out a grocery list. Half of it was cleaning supplies, but she really did need food. Her clothes were almost falling off her from all the weight she'd lost. New clothes went on the list too.

Unsurprised, she didn't jump when Remy sat beside her. "Been busy, chere?"

"I guess there's some things that need to be done." Not looking up from her notepad, Jenny continued writing. "Thank you for what you did. It means a lot to me."

"Remy gon' paint it tomorrow," he said easily, not wanting her gratitude.

"I'll have some time before work, we can get some new furniture so you'll have a bed to sleep on," she suggested. "Or you can have your old room back and I'll move in there."

"Whatever you want, chere."

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A pattern had been established. In many ways, Remy assumed the role of a domestic. He knew what to leave for Jenny and what to do himself. Mostly, Remy cleaned up after himself, the room he was using, and cooked for her. Also, to ease her burden of grief, he removed the traces of her lost loved ones as she asked him to, with her always saying he didn't have to if he didn't want to.

Willing to help her, he didn't balk at anything she asked. Some things he too found hard to do, though. Without telling Jenny, Remy called Logan to assist in cleaning Kurt's clothes out of the closet, scrape the walls of the bedrooms, and paint them. There was a whole school of people who would have helped if asked, if even given a hint of what was needed, but Logan had been Kurt's best friend. He deserved to be the one called.

Not because he wouldn't be welcomed by her, Logan only came while Jenny was working for two reasons. First was because both men knew they wouldn't be able to help reminiscing about Kurt. He had been their friend, it was bound to happen. The other reason was Logan wasn't willing to leave his daughters behind, his living reminders of his own dead wife Jubilee. Neither man thought Jenny was ready for a house filled to overflowing with four little girls. It would be cruel.

Two weeks went by and Remy became restless. He was ready to move on, needed a distraction. It happened that way for him. He was waiting for Jenny's day off - she wasn't like Harry and didn't keep the bar open every day - to let her know.

That particular conversation didn't happen. His grief issues come to the fore instead of hers.

It came about innocently enough. Jenny checked her mail. They were sitting at the kitchen table chatting, Remy working up to what he wanted to say, when she froze staring at an envelope.

Immersed in his own thoughts, Remy didn't notice her glance at him apprehensively through lowered lashes while she opened it. Swallowing, Jenny considered not telling him, but immediately discarded the idea. She knew it would be her turn to help him with his demons.

"Remy," Jenny said quietly. "I think you'll want to see this."

His brow furrowed, Remy accepted the thin offering she held out. Slowly, her attitude influencing him, he took out the folded sheet of paper first. It didn't say much, but Rogue's handwriting was all he comprehended at first anyway. He had to read it twice before understanding. Simply put, she was sorry for not writing in so long and wanted to show off her children. Rogue had sent pictures. Her son's third grade school photos and snapshots of her daughter, now three years old.

Fingers trembling as he dumped the pictures onto the table, he forgot he wasn't alone and just stared at them, drank them in like a man dying of thirst.

You didn't have to be a mutant to feel the warring mixture of pain and joy rolling off him in waves. Or maybe it was just that Jenny knew him so well. She stood behind him, kneading his shoulders, offering the same comfort he had given her. Someone to be there.

"Dey beautiful, non?" Remy whispered. "De boy look just like her, 'cept he don't have her skunk stripe in his hair. 'Can't tell wit' de girl, maybe she too young. Remy t'ink she gon' be a beauty. Do you see de one wit' Roguey holding de bebe? She so happy. Remy remember when she scared to hold Zelig. Now, she got her own bebes in her arms."

Unsaid was that they weren't his. Jenny heard it all the same. Rogue had sent other baby pictures of her son shortly after he was born. Remy hadn't been here then, she had sent him copies. Jenny hadn't felt it was right to wait until he might come back, only hoping he didn't do something stupid when they arrived.

"She not forget Remy, Jenny. She use de names we picked out." His voice broke but he continued. "It weren't supposed to come to dis. We were goin' to find a way. When we did and we had our bebes, dey would be Reynaud and Elise. Dat who dey are. She not forget her Remy, but she don' know he alive. She can't know. If Rogue know Remy not dead, she wont be happy no more."

Not entirely sure she agreed, Jenny knew this. Long before Kurt died, Remy had come to them drunk out of his mind saying the same thing. Rogue had a happy, normal life. Remy didn't want to take the chance of ruining it for her. He wanted her happiness at the expense of his own life. So Rogue continued to live that normal life, while Remy grieved for what might have been. Often at the bottom of a bottle.

The parallels were easy to see.

"You let Remy make copies?" He made it a question but both knew she would have done it anyway. Such images were his comfort and personal hell at the same time. Since she was behind him, Remy couldn't see her nod. He didn't need to. "Remy need to leave. He need..."

"Give it a couple days, Remy," she said softly. "Just a couple more days. Don't leave like this so I worry about you more than usual."

"Don' need worry 'bout Remy, he survive. Dat all he do." He lifted one hand to rest it on hers, still rubbing his shoulders. With the other he touched Rogue's smiling face in the picture. "But Remy wait."

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That night Jenny woke from a deep sleep to find him lying beside her. She knew it was Remy instead of the husband she dreamed about because Kurt's tail would have been wrapped around some part of her. Also Kurt had never come to bed with the smell of liquor on his breath.

A strong arm draped over her as he moved in his sleep. It wasn't sexual. If he wanted to lose himself that way he wouldn't have come to her bed, there were plenty of women available to him whenever he wanted one. No, she knew a different need had brought him there.

Remy wanted to feel he wasn't alone.

After everything they had been through, Jenny couldn't have denied him that. But it would have been nice to have been asked. However, she woke alone.

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A new pattern emerged, or really an amendment to the original. Remy went on as before, cleaning and doing odd jobs here and there, spending time with Logan and visiting his old haunts, but now he went to sleep in Jenny's room every night.

Sometimes he would drink first and sometimes not. Somehow he felt the need of 'Dutch courage'. Either way they held each other, each lending strength as the other needed it.

After a week passed, it got that Remy was the one waking alone while Jenny started becoming more of the conscientious person she had been for most of her life. She began making breakfast for him and keeping the house neat as a pin. She no longer had to force herself out of bed to go to work, but did it naturally.

He started feeling the restlessness again, while contentment tried to creep in. Remy didn't want to feel content. This wasn't the life he needed or wanted. But he also wasn't ready to leave, not yet. Jenny may have found a new lease on life, he just wanted to be able to go on.

Still they said goodnight in one part of the house and during the night ended up together.

For her part, Jenny had come to realize how much she had missed having someone sleeping beside her. For more than thirteen years, she had her husband cuddled against her back, his breath on her neck, his arms around her. There was no mistaking one man for the other, but it was a reminder of what she had lost and a comfort at the same time.

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It came to the point that there were no more favors for Remy to do, no more reminders that Jenny couldn't live with. His reminders were more intangible, except for those few measly photographs. They were his memories and he couldn't let them go. He thought he could live with them now, at least as well as he ever had.

But he needed an impetus to make him go. It was too easy to stay and bask in the knowledge that Jenny did care for him. It wasn't love on either side, or not the true and lasting kind, but it was more than he'd accepted in the past and more than she had felt free to give him.

Like so many things in his life, the push he needed came in the night. A wish on his part and a memory on hers, a need neither would have admitted aloud in the light of day.

It began with a kiss, a simple kiss while they were still asleep. They didn't know who initiated it. In the dark, they continued to touch, falling into a pattern much like they had years ago when Jenny first learned there was more to sex than fucking from Remy and Logan.

His skin was smooth instead of the velvety softness Jenny had become used to over the years but she wasn't willing to stop. Remy knew her scarred body wasn't the one he had dreamed of for so long, nor a one night stand he usually lost himself in. He couldn't find the willpower to let go when he could tell she was willing.

Their hands roamed, exploring each other's bodies. An expert hand slid up her smooth thigh. Nails dug into his strong shoulders.

Remembering who he was with, Remy didn't try to remove her shirt. The light was nonexistent and he couldn't have seen anything if it was gone, but he respected Jenny's known wishes. Only her husband had ever seen all her 'imperfections' and he didn't doubt she wanted it to stay that way. But he noted dimly as his hands explored her back through the nightshirt that the scars had softened over the years.

Growing bold, more sure of her actions, Jenny licked his nipple and let her breath caress it. A happy sound came from her throat as his nipple became erect and a shudder of need wracked his body.

His hand slid down her belly to her plain cotton panties, but before he went further Remy had to ask, "Are you sure dis what you want, Jenny? Remy stop, he understand."

Jenny gripped his head, kissed him deeply, her tongue doing a timeless dance with his. At the same time, her other hand grasped his and pressed it against her most intimate area. "I don't want you to stop, Remy. You're not Kurt and I'm not Rogue, but we both need this right now."

Senses swimming, Remy had to catch his breath in order to speak. This wasn't a casual occurrence and he didn't want to make a mistake. "Remy worried 'bout later. You Remy's friend, he don't want to ruin dat."

Letting go, Jenny moved away enough to strip off her panties, then went back to his waiting arms. "You won't. You can't."

Taking her words to heart, Remy's reservations melted away. His mouth, lips, and body went into overdrive. He kissed and caressed her like he hadn't made love in years. Knowingly getting to all her erogenous zones, from her delicate clitoris to that spot on the back of the knee, the inside of her elbow, the underside of her breast. His hands were everywhere, eliciting gasps and moans.

Not alone in this exchange, Jenny did the same. Her long strong nails tickled their way over his buttocks. Her hands firmly caressed his belly and back. Her lips explored his manhood from the crowning tip to his tightened testicles. Jenny hadn't had the lovers Remy had, but she had learned from the best and had a more than healthy sex life with her fuzzy and mischievous husband. She didn't need to be taught anymore, she knew what she wanted.

The tone of their lovemaking changed, becoming more urgent. Unsure of her preferences as they had never gone this far in their long ago past, Remy didn't press her into the mattress but allowed himself to be put in that position, his upper body leaning against the headboard. He relaxed as Jenny parted her thighs and slid him into place.

Setting a fast pace, Jenny worked her hips while his hands came up to tease her breasts. She moaned as she felt his penis flex inside her, her entire body shivering at the sensation. Closing her eyes, Jenny felt him do it again and again. Her vaginal muscles contracted as she felt the first waves of orgasm upon her and she could no longer move.

Releasing her breasts, Remy grasped her hips in both hands, holding Jenny still while he arched his back and pumped his cock in time with her contractions. Not ready to let go, but also not wanting to stop.

Sitting up, he held her close so his penis wasn't dislodged. Then he rolled them over, trading places. Jenny's legs wrapped around him, unconsciously protesting, afraid he was leaving before they were done. But Remy plunged deep, making her cry out. He set a hard rhythm, going as deeply as he could and sliding out almost all the way before plunging back in again.

Then he stopped, pausing to catch his breath. And did it all over again, and again, showing Jenny a stamina she should have guessed at from the rumors she'd heard from before they had even met.

When they were both almost insane with need and Jenny had come twice, she engulfed his nipple in her mouth and bite down just as his cock pressed into her cervix.

The pain coming at that particular moment, pushed Remy past his control. He started coming, his spurting sperm coating her vagina as he collapsed in her arms panting.

Holding each other, they fell asleep, tears falling from both their eyes.

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Waking alone, Jenny stretched, her body aching in places she had almost forgotten existed from disuse. She knew without checking that Remy wasn't just gone from the bed but also from the house. Having sensed the restlessness in him, she wasn't hurt or surprised.

He would be back. It might take a while and his travels would take him far, but he would be back.

Jenny didn't regret the night. They weren't in love and it hadn't been lust. They hadn't become 'fuck-buddies'. They had been two friends who needed comfort in their respective grief. She understood that.

Kurt would never be forgotten, she had loved him too much to ever do that. In the same way, Remy would never forget Rogue.

Long ago, once upon a time, Remy had said "Friends have needs." It was true and that was what their encounter had been more than anything else.

It might or might not happen again. Either way they would help each other in whatever manner they needed. When Remy did come back, she would be there for him. That was what friends did.

Now it was time to touch base with other friends. There was much to do and many people to see. Others she had forgotten about more often than not.

Logan had lost Jubilee but handled it better because his daughters needed him. He didn't need the same comfort she and Remy had, but he did need to be reminded from time to time that his little family wasn't alone in the world. He tended to hide from the world otherwise, both himself and his girls.

Similarly, Hank needed a kick to get him out of his lab every so often.

Her son should be told his mother was alive.

She hadn't visited Harry in the nursing home in a long time...

Grief never completely went away, but they could live with it. She had learned how to live with her grief. Hopefully, Remy had too.

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The End? Not necessarily, but that's it for now. Hope you liked it. I think fits well with "Human and the Demon", "A Friend in Need", and "What Might Have Been", but ultimately that's also for you to decide.
~dizi