Paradise Lost

disclaimer: Don't sue me!


Feeling your voice cut into me
Feeling your cruel words lash out
Like a knife stabbed deep into my back
Spewing dark red blood leaving me gasping
As I am left in the depths of silence
Your evil deed done for the day

I am miserable. I am worthless. I am a no good piece of shit. If I died nobody would care.
That is where I am right now. It is funny how only a few months ago it was different.

Things were looking up after the Apocalypse shit. We didn’t have to fight the X-Men anymore. I hated those rich pompous pricks but at the same time never wanted to always rumble with them. Things changed with the Brotherhood. Magneto cared about Pietro and Wanda again. That bitch Mystique was finally out of our lives for good. I never want to see that bitch again. Maybe for once in my life something good will happen.

Then it dawned on me. Everyone is happy. Everyone is having the best time of their lives. Except me. What did any of this mean for me? I am still short and ugly. I still stink like a dead animal. My teeth are yellow and twisted. No girl will touch me. My “friends” in the Brotherhood still treat me like shit. I am still the Toad, everyone’s favorite punching bag.

I look around me. Pietro is happy. He thinks he is fucking emperor because of his Nazi father. He ego is even larger now that it ever was. He is fucking four or five girls at a time. He always teases me about giving me his leftovers, but never does and just laughs at me. He says I am worthless and should kill myself. I embarrass mutants everywhere. I am , sm, small, and stupid. Pietro never gave a fuck about me.

Lance is happy cause he got Kitty. They are always around each other hugging and kissing. They make me sick. Lance used to be cool. I once looked up to him but now he is just Kitty’s bitch. Just the other day Lance said he would set me up with Kitty’s 300 pound horse faced cousin. He was laughing as he said it. Fuck you Alvers and fuck your whore. I hate Lance now. He has turned into a X-geek. I wish I could stomp his brains in.

Magneto is happy that he has his stupid children back. The guy spent most of his life treating them like shit and now he is dad of the year. What bullshit. The guy hated me and thought I wasn’t worthy to be part of his little Nazi experiment.

Tabitha is happy cause she is dyking it up with a X-geek now. She bailed on us when the witch showed up. She still is on my shit list. She treated me like dirt and I am not just talking about the physical abuse with her stupid bombs. She use to always sexually taunt me and Fred. Running around in next to nothing and always saying she would sleep with me. She acted like such a whore but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t totally in love with her. To a 15 year old kid she was paradise. Of course she was never serious and loved to laugh in the face of me and Fred. I know it hurt the big guy but he didn’t say anything. The fact that she was fucking Lance made it worse. I use to hear them all night from my room. They both use to rub it in my face.

I wish I could be miserable with Fred. He is the only one who can understand what I am going through. Even among the outcasts we were the losers. He was fat and I am ugly. We never fit in with Pietro, Lance, Tabitcha, and the witch. He moved back to Texas not long after the whole mess. I miss him. We were like brothers.

I could deal with the other bullshit but I can’t deal with what that witch did to me. She killed me. I loved her so much. I would have killed for her. She didn’t care. I was alright with the abuse. She at least acknowledged me and I even liked the little roles we were playing. I was the pathetic puppy looking for some affection and she was my mean mistress. That was when we were all a big family in the Brotherhood.

That was before he came. He being an ugly little Aussie. One of Magneto’s old crew that had nowhere else to stay. Magneto made us take him in. That was when everything really went downhill. He was a real asshole and a showoff. He became best friends with Lance in only a few days and they hung out all the time getting drunk and acting like jackasses. They took over the Brotherhood. Then Wanda started liking him. Sure I use to notice Wanda looking at Lance sometimes but I know Lance was too busying dreaming about his little pink whore to ever act on anything with Wanda. This was different. This asshole started flirting back.

I would sometimes see them talking in the kitchen. Wanda would laugh at his stupid jokey Way Wanda laughing? At this retard? She didn’t even notice me anymore. No more hex bolts. No more screaming Toad! She was in love and I was nothing to her now. Then this dick started telling me to stay away from her. I got pissed and attacked him. I kicked the shit out of him pretty good. It felt good until the others came down on me. Lance wanted to beat me, Pietro wanted me to leave, and Wanda wanted me dead cause I fucked up her precious little Johnny. No one stuck up for me. Some friends. I stayed but everyone hates me now.


Sick. I am sick if it all. Last night I watched the Godfather for the first time. Michael Corleone was a short guy who people underestimated. Like me. Toward the end of the movie he take takes care of the other five heads of competing crime families. He settles old family business in one big swoop. That night I had the most surreal dream I ever had.

I dreamt I had a bottle of chloroform right next to my desk. I used it to knock out Pietro when he was sleeping and then I castrated him with a knife. I know that sounds like something out of a bad horror movie but it felt so real. I remember laughing at him now being impotent. He will never have sex again. Who is laughing now Pietro?

Then I took the bottle over to the X-Men mansion. Everyone was asleep. I went into Kitty’s room and used the chloroform on her. I then raped her. I remember being disgusted for what I was doing but what better way to hurt Lance then to do something Kitty.

I remember calling Tabitha’s dad in jail. I told him all about his young daughter licking carpet with Xavier’s blessing. Tabitha use to tell us stories about her dad. He definitely sexually abused her. Those types are always possessive so he will rush to and have a good long talk with his daughter when he gets out soon.

I saw a valley and a car parked near a dirt road. A tall man with white hair waved his hand and the doors to the car opened. After he got in and started the car, it exploded. I don’t even remember placing a bomb under the car but it happened. What comes around, goes around Magneto.

I saved the best one for last since it hurt me the most. I walked into a room and saw Wanda and Pyro making love. I felt empty. There was a loaded gun in my hand. I pointed it at Pyro and pulled the trigger. I then did the same to Wanda just as I woke up.

It was just a dream but I am finally happy.