Lust and Cookies

Logan growled at Myth and Taser who were approaching him carefully.

*Snikt!*

All his claws were now extracted and his fists, equipped with 3 claws each, were pointing at each them. "Come to Poppa", he told them.

Melee shot him a mocking look and turned each of his hands into a katana. Apparently the guy's gift was to turn his arms(maybe legs too)into melee weapons-hence the name. Melee bolted at him, but he also warned him by giving a highly cliche battlecry.

Logan easily blocked his attack and tried to cut the katanas in pieces with his indestructible adamantium claws.

*CLANG!*

Apparently, Melee’s katanas were also made of adamantium, because they both withstood the blows. Melee shot him again his mocking look and then surprised him by shoving one of his katanas through Logan's guts.

Logan fell to the ground, only anxious to win a few seconds before his healing factor kicked in.

But Intoxicator probably was beginning to do something to Logan's body, because he started feeling sleepy...

"Don't worry baby, Intoxicator is only using his gift to drug you. You will sleep for some hours, then wake up in a much better and entertaining place. Heh. My place." She playfully licked her lips.

Right then, Ororo and Jubilee came out of the mansion, the latter going straight at Zazelle, while Storm used some wind first to throw Melee away from Logan. They both stood 10 feet away from Zazelle, both giving her an evil, angry look.

"What have you done to Logan, you freakin bitch...",Jubilee threatened.

"Watch you tongue, young woman" Storm snapped at her, then cocked her head to the sex-manipulating mutant. "You better undo what you have already done and get out of here, before I force you to..."Dark clouds started gathering above the mansion, confirming her threats.

"OH MY GOD, LOOK BEHIND YOU, A THREE-HEADED MONKEY!!!", Zazelle screamed at them, pointing behind them.

"That's an old trick, bitch-",Jubilee attempted to answer, but was interrupted by the huge Three-Headed Monkey behind her, who grabbed both hers and Storm's heads and smacked them together, rendering them unconscious. They both fell to the ground, the grass getting filth on their beautiful hair.

"Ha. I always wanted to say that. Thanks for giving me the chance, Myth",the bikini-clad mutant said to the Three-Headed Monkey.

Myth changed his form back to normal. What he could do was shapeshifting in the forms of inexistent or mythical creatures. That was extremely useful when you needed the advantage of surprise.

Then Kujo neared Zazelle, still carrying her unconscious brother. "Here, I got him."

"Nice. Can you read his mind and find out any useful information about this place and those still inside?"

"Oh yeah. I already did it on the way back here, cause it was a long way and I was bored. Phoenix, Rogue, Cyclops, Beast, Iceman and Sweetheart are inside, probably on their way here. Iceman and Sweetheart have a fling."

"I already knew that. Something else?"

"Rogue has a thing for your baby brother here. Not confirmed, just what he thinks."

"Oooh, interesting. What else?"

"Cyclops has a phobia for fictional killers from splatters and other B-movies."

"Now I could make use of that", she said, but Rogue came flying behind her, and grabbed her from the hair, hovering her on the air.

"Ouououououch!! That hurts, you stupid-"

"Ah knew Ah would take ya by surprise. Leave Davone,one, ya fat jerk!"

"So you were right, Kujo. She *does* have a thing for him. Throw him in the lake", Zazelle said through clenched teeth, because her hair was in pain at the time.

"Right away", Kujo said, and threw the unconscious man with force towards the lake. Dave even bounced once on the surface, before finally splashing in the lake.

"Noooooo!", screamed Rogue, as she left Zazelle fall to the ground and flew to the lake. She dived in and swam her way to the depths where Dave was sinking. She quickly reached him, and she stretched her hands to grab him. She then flew upwards, getting out of the lake in a glorious splash, and finally put Dave by the shore. Then she panicked because she realised that she couldn't give him C.P.R, she couldn't even touch him!

Thankfully, he came into consciousness by himself, coughing a little water.

In the meanwhile, Hank and Jean were already out of the mansion and battling with Kujo and Myth respectively. Myth had turned into Nessie, the monster of Loch-Ness, and was slapping Jean with his huge tail.
Zazelle just stood and watched, because if she interfered she might mess the whole battle up, and she didn't want that, since everything was going as planned until that time.

"Shit! Ah gotta go help them out! Ya'll be okay?"

"Sure" Dave said, out of breath. "I'll be fine."

Rogue got up from his side and started flying above the lake, towards the ongoing battle. Unfortunately, she didn't see Captain Poop who was flying towards her from the other side of the lake.

The little piece of shit caught her mid-flight, gloriously splashing himself all over her face.

"Ewwwww, GROSS!" Rogue yelped, realising what the material on her face was. The shock of having crap on her face made her lose her balance and fall in the lake, as Captain Poop recollected himself and flew back to the battle.

Rogue splashed into the water, and at the time she thought it was good, because the water cleared all the crap off her face.

But while Rogue was cleaning herself in the lake, Taser approached the lakeshore, dipped his hands into the water, and shot lots of electric bolts into it. Rogue instinstantly electrocuted, and the lake started boiling.

Rogue was now out cold, her unconscious body semi-floating on the lake.

The boiling lake drew Hank's attention and gave Kujo the chance to tackle him and send him with force on the ground. Right then, Melee came into the picture with one of his hands transformed into a pan, and gave Hank's head the complementary blow with the pan. Hank now lied unconscious on the grass.

At the same time, Myth/Nessie sent Jean flying on the mansion's wall.

Scott came running out only to find every X-Man unconscious and two familiar faces amongst the attackers. Myth had instantly formed into Freddie Kruger, while Melee had turned his hand into a chainsaw, resembling Leatherface.

They both neared a terrified Scott.

"No, no, this can't be true... It's a dream...a bad dream!» Scott rubbed his eyes and pinched himself.


Freddie and Leatherface were still there and smiling at him.

Scott fainted.

"Ok, that might sound a bit convenient, but only the 2 people I need into consciousness are missing now...watch it, guys" the bitch said. "Oh, speakin of the Devil...",she added, as she saw the remaining mutants coming out of the mansion, Sweetheart only clad in a huge towel.

Iceman came up to them on his ice-slide. He saw Rogue sinking in the lake and he froze the whole lake, making sure Rogue's face was above the surface so that she would be able to breathe.

Sweetheart started throwing badly baked, rock-hard cookies straight at Zazelle's head." You will pay for making me lose my job, you slut!", she yelled.

Zazelle ran for cover from the deadly cookies, as Captain Poop came up to Paula and started shooting a beam of diarrhoea at her. She blocked it with a beam of whipped cream, and now both beams were blocking each other, none of them overpowering the other.

Bobby in the meanwhile was fighting Myth, still on his Freddie Kruger form, and he was doing pretty well. But then, Myth formed into a badass dragon, and before Bobby realised why the hell the man couldn't stay in a constant form, the huge dragon blew fire at him.

Iceman's ice slide melt, and so did his ice-form, as he fell on the floor, not really harmed, but semi-conscious.

In the meanwhile, Paula had been headbutted by Kujo and rendered useless too. Kujo, however, had got in the shitbeam's way while he headbutted Sweetheart, and was now covered in crap.

Zazelle finally had her chance to the classic "Villain explaining her schemes" speech. She nodded at Taser and Intoxicator to get to work.

Taser started giving little electroshocks to the unconscious X-Men(except for Wolverine and Rogue, who was in the middle of a slippery, iced-up lake) in order to bring them back to consciousness, so that they would be able to listen to Zazelle's speech.

When they would start coming back to consciousness, Intoxicator would release tox toxin inside their bodies to have them in a nirvana situation, so that they still wouldn't oppose any threat.

Then Zazelle spoke up, looking down at Paula.

"Does any of you have the slightest interest to know how I located this mansion you have been hiding into?"

Paula, Bobby and Hank shook their heads between others.

"Your friend here was bugged", shed, pd, pointing at Paula.

They all glared their eyes on Sweetheart, but she looked as surprised too.

"After doing what you did at the bank, I thought I should place a bug on you, in case I ever had the desire to get back at you for being a naughty little bitch.", she continued.» Now this should need a little explaining. One of my abilities is to create organic sex-bugs."

Everyone gave her a strange look, thinking she was mad or something.

"I'm not kidding. I can create tiny organic bugs, which can be implanted on targets easily and never be noticed." Zazelle looked at bar bare shoulders of Paula." Remember back at the bank, when I pinched your little bitching shoulder? The pinch you felt was the bug implanting itself. It looks like a hair."

Paula stared at her left shoulder. Now that she knew it was there, she could barely make out a tiny hair, which was somewhat darker in colour than the others. She pulled it out, feeling a little pinch as it left her skin. The root of the hair seemed slightly bigger than the ones that normal hair had.

Zazelle continued her speech. "Unfortunately, for the bug to start giving me the host's position, the host must have sex."

Half of the X-Men looked at her with surprise, thinking she must have been totally nuts. Bobby, Paula, Jean and Jubilee however began to understand.

"Thankfully, the bug takes care of it itself.It creates great sexual heat and desire in the host, making them ry dey desire the first decent member of the opposite sex they see."


Bobby and especially Paula blinked in realisation. She remembered how she had wanted him from the first moment she saw him. That longing was caused by a tiny bug?

"It forces them to take advances to the other person, making them quickly know they are desired, and when even the most innocent kiss takes place, the other person also begins to grow feelings."

She had kissed Bobby when she found him singing in his room. From then on he had began thinking about her too.

"The attraction and the final success can be ensured by things as immense horniness or imaginary inner voices.", Zazelle kept on.

Bobby's eyes grew bigger in realisation. That’s what that stupid irritating voice was all about! That's why it stopped pestering him after his encounter with Paula!


"When the other person kisses the host back..."

Bobby had kissed on the forehead her when he asked her out.

"...the lust finally kicks in and they both get it on, no matter where they are."

Thank God he hadn't kissed her in a public place.

"During the whole process, any logical thought such as 'This is going too fast', or 'he can't possibly want *me*'will be diminished by happy thoughts and convincing inner voices."

That had happened to both of them. They both looked at each other. Bobby had his mouth open by now, lost in the shock. Paula’s cheeks were watered with tears. Could all this, love, this desire, have been just an illusion?
Were they possessed when they were so much into each other?

"I am happy to see that you're crying, filthy bitch", she said at Paula with a grin. "I guess I managed two important things today by planting you that bug; I got back at you *and* I got myself a permanent sex-slave", she said, cocking her head at Logan, who was still unconscious.

"Look at all this testosterone" she said, stroking Logan's exposed hairy chest.» He’s gonna make me powerful beyond my wildest fantasies...since those fantasies will soon be fulfilled thanks to him."

She got up and theatrically bid them goodbye. Then, she waved to her lackeys.

"Get the growly man and let's beat it. Oh, and Captain Shit-"

"It's 'Poop'!"

"-Captain Poop, you won't be coming with us. With Wolverine coming along the ride, we can't all fit in the minivan, and we certainly don't want your smelly presence in such a restricted place, we can't stand your stink anymore!"

"WHAT?!? YOU WILL-"

"Oh, quit your whining", she said, using a bit of her natural charm on men(even those whose mutation turned them into a flying piece of shit). "You can have the mansion for yourself"


can?can?", the shit said, enthusiasm colouring his voice.

"Sure, you'll just have to kill the guys who live here to claim it, and guess what, they're all here, out cold, waiting for you to bury them under tons of shit, and believe me, they won't stay drugged like this for a long time! You have a quarter of an hour by the time we leave to do your thing with them! Just don't kill my brother, he doesn't live here anyway! Have fun, darling!"

And with that, she followed the others who were carrying Logan towards the exit, where their minivan was parked.

Captain Poop turned his inexistent head to the X-Men, all drugged, unconscious and under his mercy.

"Bwahahahahaha!!! Now I, Captain Poop, will kill you all, and then claim this magnificent mansion and turn it into the second Playboy Mansion!!!"

The mental image of legions of Playmates cuddling with a fist-sized piece of shit brought Dave into full control of himself. He hadn't been drugged like the others, but almost drowning had taken it's toll on himself. He quickly glanced around as Captain Poop kept giving a patented pre-death speech at the X-Men and saw that Rogue was close to him, trapped in the iced-up lake, and barely conscious.

He then remembered that when Kujo had been reading his mind,the information flow was not one-way.

He also remembered that Rogue hadn't been drugged.

He realised there still was a chance.

Running to the lake, Dave slipped on the icy shore and crawled his way on the cold surface of the ice. He reached Rogue, only her head exposed by the ice, grabbed the sides of her face, and kissed her lips, while his hand was feeling her forehe
I
It began to hurt after a few seconds.

The flow of energy eventually made Rogue flutter her eyes open. Then, Dave let go. He fainted, his body falling on the icy surface.

Rogue woke up and felt the combined shock of restored energy, renewed memories and the coldness of the ice surrounding her body. Using her ultra strength, she broke the ice trapping her and ran to her fellow X-Men, after making sure Dave would be okay.

The flow of new memories gave her some information that surprised her. Dave had acquired them after his encounter with Kujo and it showed that the enemy had a weakness.

On her way to her endangered team-mates, her eye caught something. It was a magazine, thrown in the grass beside a big tree.

A very colour shi shiny magazine.

It was a porn magazine.

It was named "Lesbian Bitchez XXX".

"Perfect!» she shouted, and grabbed the magazine, making sure it wasn't stained.

She flew towards Captain Poop, who was finishing his speech until then.

"...and this is how I, Captain Poop, beginning by this mansion, will eventually use all the fellow crap in the sewers all over the world to eventually conquer the planet!!!"

"We're gonna die! OH SHIT!", screamed Bobby, while hovering between conscious and unconscious.

"Exactly, oh *shit*",Captain Poop answered back with a nasty voice.

"Gone a little far, haven't ya?" she shouted at him.

"Huh? HEY! I killed you!!!" he said as he turned his body towards Rogue.

"Naah. Ah would have known it."

"Do you really expect to beat me by yourself, little powerless girl?"

"Ah'm not powerless. As you know, knowledge is power. And Ah have knowledge. And the knowledge Ah have is of your greatest fear, your massive weakness, the only thing that can kill ya..."

"no...no...noooooo..."Captain Poop whispered in total panic...

"...ASSWIPE!" Rogue said, menacingly revealing the porn magazine she hid behind her until then. Yes, the specific porn magazine mentioned many times earlier.


"NOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Of course this is not your normal, politically correct way to wipe shit, but Ah think it'll do in your case!"

"AAAAARRGHHHH!!!", the shit screamed.

Captain Poop attempted to flee, flying over the mansion's roof, but Rogue flied too and reached him. She slapped him with the magazine, sending him to pin on the ground.

Once landed, Rogue wrapped the naughty magazine around Captain Poop, trapping him for good. She even found a plastic bag and wrapped it around the magazine and Captain Poop, making his entrapment more secure.

"Here ya go. All wrapped up, like a Christmas present". She winced at the mental image of someone being given a piece of shit for Christmas.