In Fear of Three Little Words

Wow! I haven't posted a story in ages. This is nerve racking, but fun. Thanks again, anon, for the review. Encouragement is a good thing. Now, off to bed with a nasty headache.

Chapter 8


Charles forced himself not to recoil from those loathsome words...from Logan himself.

“It was the drug,” Logan said as if trying to convince himself and not just Charles. “I tried...I tried to control it, but I couldn’t stop it. It was primal, like it targeted my most base instincts. I almost broke his arm. Hell, it was all I could do not to tear him apart.”

Charles finally looked away, glancing over to Kurt lying quiet now on the bed. Ororo sat beside him on a chair talking softly, trying to distract the boy, but Kurt didn’t look distracted, his eyes focused solely on Logan.

“I sense it didn’t end there,” Charles said, turning back to Logan.

“I wish I could say it ended there, but it didn’t. Trask hadn’t gotten his rocks off enough. He wanted an encore performance.”

“Oh, Logan,” Charles sighed and rubbed his temple.

“I didn’t know what to do, Charles.” Desperation and the need for understanding overrode all else in Logan’s tone. “Trask made more threats, the kind a man can’t tolerate and I went crazy. I attacked the window. Almost got through too, but the collar...that blasted collar drove me back.”

“They injected you while you were...contained by the collar,” Charles stated, seeing where this was going.

“Yeah. Didn’t wait for my permission.”

Logan pushed up out of his chair and paced across the room and back and in his agitation Logan’s mind broadcasted images. Charles was suddenly assaulted with visions of Logan and Kurt first in painful sexual conflict then just as suddenly, in an amorous embrace. Willing yet unwilling, forced yet making the best of the situation?

Kurt’s agitation matched Logan’s. The boy sat up, drew his knees up close to his body, arms entwining around himself and Charles caught more images from Kurt, turmoil and pain, yet also feelings of pleasure and confusion about feeling that pleasure. Willing --- Unwilling.

Logan’s and Kurt’s minds struggled with the same unwinnable dilemma, a terrible battle with themselves and each other.

“It wasn’t Logan’s fault!” Kurt said. “It wasn’t his fault.”

Ororo tried to calm the young man, but Kurt would have none of it.

“Logan!” Kurt pleaded. “It wasn’t your fault.”

Logan stopped and stared at Kurt and Charles saw such tenderness in those usually hard eyes. Moving to the bedside, Logan reached out to touch Kurt’s face. Kurt’s eyes closed and he nuzzled against Logan’s palm.

“I don’t know how you can forgive so easily, elf,” Logan said.

Kurt’s swollen mouth took on a hard line. The boy’s eyes opened and glinted like gold. “I haven’t forgiven anything. Trask won’t get that from me. But you need to forgive yourself.” Kurt pushed up to his knees and took Logan’s face in his hands. “Logan, we did what we had to do. Now we just have to find a way to live with it.”

Charles watched with amazement. Kurt had been forced to grow up fast though he had been well on his way before this terrible ordeal had taken place. He didn’t blame Kurt for being unable to forgive his enemy, but that Kurt understood and empathize with Logan’s pain was a sign of vast maturity.

And yes, these two would have to find a way to live with what they’d endured togethe it it would split them apart forever. Neither seemed to want that. A strange bond had formed and Charles just hoped it wouldn’t be another problem altogether.

“Logan,” Charles said, rolling closer. “You haven’t finished.”

Logan slid to sit on the edge of the bed, gaze distant.rt srt sat beside him, not looking at all repelled by a man who, perhaps only hours ago, had raped him.

“We...we couldn’t go through that again. I couldn’t...do that to him again, not like that anyway.”

“I didn’t fight him,” Kurt stated. “We....”

Logan turned to Kurt and both fought for words to describe exactly what they had done.

“We rolled with it,” Logan finished. “We let it happen and Kurt didn’t get hurt as much.”

“Oh my,” Hank said from the far side of the bed.

Ororo’s mouth was tight with anger, her body stiff with outrage.

Silence echoed off the walls and Charles cleared his throat. “How did you two manage to escape?”

Logan glanced over to Kurt with haunted eyes and the boy nodded, some silent agreement pag beg between them.

“We were exhausted, wrung out from everything Trask had thrown at us and he wanted to start it all again. This time with a bigger dose of the drug.” Logan’s gaze moved to his clenched fist. He slid his claws out of one hand and stared at them. “I really think Trask wanted to see if he could make me kill the kid.” The claws slid back in and Logan sighed. “Then he got a message, some big wig government types wanted a show. Not the kind Trask was enjoyin’. They wanted blood. They wanted to see a mutant being cut up on a slab.”

Charles caught a queasy expression cross Kurt’s face.

“They wanted to vivisect me alive, Professor,” Kurt said and the queasiness turned to fear from just remembering. “Trask said he’d cut my heart out and show it to me before I died...if I had one. And he said he was going to make Logan watch.”

“Charles,” Ororo exclaimed. “We must do something about this madman.”

“I’m gonna do somethin’,” Logan growled and slid his claws out again. “I’m gonna cut his heart out and show it to him before he dies.”

“We will discuss strategies of dealing with Trask once everyone has had some rest,” Charles said. “Logan continue. You were telling us about how you escaped.”

Logan looked as if he’d argue the point, but sighed instead and let his claws retract.

“I talked Trask into giving us a minute to say goodbye. He thought that was real sweet,” Logan said with sarcasm. “It was then or it was too late. Time was up for tryin’ to come up with a plan. I pulled Kurt close, let my claws out under the collar and sliced as hard as I could. It was a desperate move and we’re lucky it worked. My collar went off, but the elf “popped” us out of there. Then Kurt “popped” us outside. There must be a limit to the distance cause the pain faded as soon as we were out of that place. Those things are tough,” Logan said, indicating the collars Charles still held on his lap. “I thought for a minute I wasn’t gonna cut through it.”

“One of the longest minutes of my life,” Kurt muttered.

“How’s the neck?” Logan asked. He pushed Kurt’s hair back and revealed a bandage.

“It’s okay,” Kurt replied. “I don’t mind it...at all, considering the alternative.”

Logan let his hand drop away and Charles sensed Logan’s fatigue, something Logan was seldom burdened with, but now the man had to deal wa tra trauma no one should have to face.

“Charles,” Logan said in a voice filled with exhaustion and bleak failure. “I’m so tired.”

Kurt gazed over at Logan and there was a look of pure caring and compassion on the boy’s face. Kurt seemed to feel Logan’s pain in spite of his own.

“Go, Logan,” Charles said gently. “Go rest. We’ll discuss what to do about Trask tomorrow.”
Logan stared for a moment then bent his head and rubbed his face, his fingers trailing back through his hair.

“Yeah, I need a shower. Sleep...food, maybe.”

“When did you two last eat?” Ororo asked.

“How long have we been gone?” Kurt asked in return and lay back against a pile of pillows.

“Four days,” Charles replied.

“Then that’s how long it’s been,” Logan said.

“I’ll see about getting something for both of you.” Ororo rose. “Perhaps some soup and juice.”

“I could use a stiff drink,” Logan muttered.

“That’s the last thing you need,” Ororo said and swept out the door.

Logan shook his head and rubbed his face again. He pushed up off the bed with an effort so unlike Logan. Charles watched Logan turn to Kurt.

“Get some sleep, elf. I’ll check on ya later.”

Kurt nodded without looking up, but from beneath dark eyelashes, his gaze followed Logan out the door.

*******************

Kurt woke with a groan and a gasp. He bolted up and sat staring into the muted light left on for his convenience, he supposed, a refuge in the dark of night. Nightmare visions still smoldered at the edges of his mind, tortures so intense he’d passed out repeatedly, a flurry of faces, none of which had held a modicum of empathy for his plight.

He leaned back, his head dropping against the pillows. Aches awoke and pains inside and out. His head throbbed and his cheek as well. And then there was the low burn and ache inside of him...deep.

Kurt shoved away the thoughts, of Logan, of the terror he’d felt, of the agony of rape...and the ultimate momentary ecstasy that now haunted him.

Agitation pushed him from the bed to stumble into the bathroom. He relieved himself then turning, caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. Ragged. He looked as ragged as he felt. His face was a mess, stitched cuts and swollen lip. His hair was filthy and his fur matted. He smelled dirt and blood and sex, his and Logan’s and wondered how anyone had stood to come near him.

He stripped off the gown and turned the shower on. Hot water flowed over him, boiling him and still the water wasn’t hot enough. He scrubbed his hair and body until the smell no longer assaulted his nose.

And Kurt tried not to think, tried not to imagine what the Professor ooro oro or Hank thought of him. And who else knew what had happened? Surely, this wouldn’t become common knowledge among his team mates.

“Dear god, please,” he said in German, raising his face up to the ceiling. “Please.”

He didn’t know how long he stood there praying under the spraying water growing cold with time. But a knock on the door brought him back to the moment.

“Kurt?” Hank said. “Are you all right?”

Kurt turned off the water. “I’m...fine. I...just needed a shower.”

There was a long pause and Kurt reached for a towel and started drying himself off. His ribs creaked with the effort and forced a breathless grunt from him.

“Do you know it’s 3:00am in the morning?” Hank’s voice was gentle edged with concern.

Kurt hadn’t even thought of the time. “No, I’m...sorry. Did I wake you?”

“No, I was coming to check on you anyway.”

Kurt said nothing, waiting for Hank to go away. Finally, he said, “I’m okay, but could you bring me something clean to wear...from my room, please?”

“Of course,” Hank replied. “I’ll be right back.”

Kurt slowly dried himself. He stared into the mirror trying to remember who he was, who he had been a few days ago before the tests and tortures and perverted experiments of a sadistic madman.

A knock came again and Kurt opened the door just enough to peak out and reach for the clothing.

“Thank you.”

“You’re most welcome. Uhm, are you still bleeding?”

Kurt stared uncomprehending then dropped his gaze when he realized what Hank was referring to.

“I...uh...don’t know.”

“Why don’t you check and let me know.”

Humiliation washed over Kurt and he had to clamp down on tears that threatened.

“It’s okay, Kurt. I’m only here to help you.”

“I know,” he sighed and sniffed and swallowed down a lump in his throat. “It’s hard....”

“Of course it is. Just check. Perhaps the bleeding has stopped.”

Kurt closed the door and touched himself. A glisten of blood lay on his fingers and he almost cried out. He stood there too long then washed his hands.

“Kurt?”

“I’m still bleeding a little.”

“Why don’t you put on your shirt, teleport into bed and we’ll get you medicated. Then you can finish dressing.”

Exhaustion overtook Kurt. There was no fight left in him. Not here anyway.

“Okay,” he said in a small voice and pulled on his shirt. He thought about being in bed and he was there, scrambling under the covers when Hank met him there. Turning on his side, Kurt waited. He jerked and gasped when Hank touched his hip.

“Easy, Kurt. Everything is going to be all right. You’re safe here.”

A cool wetness filled him up and Kurt sighed in relief.

“Better?”

Kurt turned over. “Better.” He looked up into Hank’s face, a face that made him feel normal here, a face that looked as alien as his own.

“Would you like something for the pain? It’ll help you sleep.”

Kurt maneuvered his pajama pants on while still under the blankets. “I...don’t know.”

“Nightmares?” Hank pulled up a chair and sat, squeezing his bulk into it.

Kurt nodded.

“Anything you want to talk about?”

Kurt shook his head then said, “who knows?”

“Who knows?”

“Yes, who knows about...what happened...with me and Logan.”

“Ah, only those who were here while Logan told it.”

Kurt twined his fingers together and stared at them. “Will the Professor tell the others? Scott and Jean?”

“I think not, Kurt. This is something that doesn’t need to be common knowledge though you might want to prepare an answer of some sort. They are your friends and they have been most concerned. You can tell the generalized truth without giving details. Tests, experiments.”

“Torture,” Kurt said without looking up. “But Jean. She can read minds.”

“Yes, but she’s not one to pry.”

“I don’t know about that. If she thought she could help, she might.”

“Hmmm.” Hank rose and went to a cabinet then to the sink filling a glass with water. “Here, these will help the pain. You need them, I can see your suffering in your eyes.” Kurt took the pills and water and swallowed them down. “Now rest, my young friend. That’s what you need more than anything.”

Kurt looked up and saw pity in Hank’s eyes...or maybe just sympathy, either way didn’t really matter to Kurt. “You think so?” Kurt asked. “I was thinking what I needed most was for this to never have happened.”