Unchained Instinct ( Complete)

Chapter 64


The darkness outside echoed the darkness Logan felt in his soul. If only he could empty himself out and start over, fill himself back up with something besides this rage and lust.

But he couldn’t. This part of him was just that...a part of him that he’d suppressed for years, had kept hidden away, controlled and let out only when he needed the primal beast to act.

Now, things were ass backwards. It was at the forefront, wanting to lash out, to take and possess. And he seemed to have little control over the animal inside of him.

A breeze fluttered the drapes, the smell of the earth and wind stirring Logan’s senses, drawing him to something outside this room, his self imposed prison.

The elf sat on the bed with his earphones on, head nodding to the beat of music.

Logan turned enough to watch his lover, the kid’s golden eyes closed, mind lost in the melody...if that noise Kurt called music had a melody.

He watched that expressive face, lips moving silently with the lyrics. Ever so often a little hum escaped from the elf and almost made Logan smile.

Almost.

The innocence of youth played on Kurt’s face, tragedies forgotten, memories of pain displaced with the purity of sound. But behind that momentary mask was a boy who’d grown up too fast...a man now who’d suffered more in one year than anyone should endure in a lifetime.

And now the kid had to put up with this beast that had possessed his lover.

Not fair. Never is. Never was.

Answers. Logan turned back to the night breeze and sniffed the air.

He had to get out of here. And not just for a moment...not for a night. He had to go or someone he loved was going to get hurt.

Someone like the elf.

Logan’s heart ached with the thought of leaving his lover, but the fear of hurting Kurt was driving him half crazy, particularly after the way he’d treated Cassie. He’d almost lost control of his rage, annoyance wanting to turn murderous.

He’d scared her, yet Logan doubted Cassie had known just how close she’d come to the darkness eating him up alive inside.

So. What if he lost control with Kurt? The kid annoyed him on occasion, even though he loved the elf with all his heart and soul. What if annoyance turned to something uglier? What if he lost control completely? What if he did permanent damage...or worse?

Shaking the image out of his head, Logan stepped out onto the balcony, staring out across the manicured lawn.

Where to go? What to do?

A fleeting thought of Mystique crossed his mind and Logan flinched from its allure. No. She’d expect him to come after her and he wasn’t ready to face her.

Now, all he wanted was to run...go...somewhere...nowhere. Just away from here. Away from the memories of what Mystique had done to him in the guise of these kids.

Until he faced himself, he’d never be able to face Jean or Rogue, Scott or Jamie or Kitty. Until he got control of himself, he’d never be able to forgive himself for the weakness of his flesh...for the beast inside of him that had escaped its chains and now stalked every fiber of his body and every recess of his mind.

Logan turned back to gaze at Kurt and as if the elf felt him watching, golden eyes opened and locked with his. A smile came to the elf’s mouth, trying for normalcy, but the smile lacked conviction.

Logan forced a smile of his own, playing this game that neither of them believed in.

Kurt punched the off button on his disc player and pulled off the earphones. In a flash, the elf was beside him, snuggling into his arms as if the kid didn’t have every reason to be afraid of what his lover might do or how he’d react.

“What are you thinking, Logan?” Kurt asked, golden eyes trying to see passed Logan’s mask of stoicism.

“Nothin’, elf. Tryin’ not ta think.”

“Hmmmm.” Kurt took a deep breath and let it out in a long sigh. “I’m here for you. Please remember that, okay?”

“How can I forget, sweetheart?”

Kurt didn’t reply and Logan felt Kurt’s hand warm against his back, felt his lover’s nearness as keenly as if they were one person instead of two. He drew in a deep breath and let the elf’s scent wash him with reassurance that the elf was real and in his arms.

The beast rose, pushing up from deep inside. Logan bent and sniffed again, smelling all that made his lover unique. His hands moved over Kurt, up under shirt to feel the luxuriousness of soft fur and the supple muscle beneath.

A purring rumbled of a growl rolled out of him, low and vibrating.

Kurt’s muscles tensed and relaxed, tensed again with a hard grip of Logan’s hand moving up into silky hair.

Logan let out a shuddering breath and pushed back the beast.

Control, you damned animal. Control yerself. You can’t do this every time you’re near him.

He leaned in with all his restraint and kissed Kurt’s forehead then pushed away and out of the elf’s embrace.

“Logan?”

“It’s okay, elf. Just need some room.”

He sensed Kurt’s doubt, but refused to explain further. Beside him, the elf yawned and stretched, an unassuming sensuality exuding from Kurt.

“It’s getting late. We should go to bed...don’t you think?”

Logan shrugged. “In a while.”

Kurt gave him one of those side long glances, brow furrowing into a line of worry.

“It’s okay, baby,” Logan said, reaching out and drawing a line down the elf’s cheek with two fingers, a longing caress of desire. He dropped his hand away and turned from that concerned gaze. “Go on ta bed. I’ll be there in a while.”

Logan felt Kurt gazing at him for a moment longer then with a sigh turned and went about the business of readying for bed.

Mentally, Logan clicked off what he’d need, a change of clothes, a few personal items. He’d already checked on the Norton when nobody was around to catch him out of his room. Mystique hadn’t damaged his favorite bike and though he’d need some gas in a hundred miles or so, that was enough to get him away from here...on the road to no place in particular.

The desire to run, to escape, pushed and pulled at him, yet when he glanced over his shoulder to where the elf was changing into his night clothes, the ache slammed into his heart, threatening to shatter from the inside out.

Squeezing his eyes shut, Logan turned away again, hands gripping the balcony railing, knuckles straining. His claws shot out involuntarily and Logan hissed at the pain and unexpectedness.

A growl rumbled in his throat and Logan forced a deep breath and willed his claws back out of sight.

“Will it bother you if I turn out the light?” Kurt asked from the bed.

He shook his head. “Nah, won’t bother me at all.”

“Goodnight, Logan.” The light went out and Logan sighed in relief. “I love you.”

“I love you too, elf. Get some sleep, sweetheart.”

Logan listened, filtering out the night sounds and concentrated on Kurt’s breathing, waiting for his lover to fall into a deep sleep. The elf slept like the dead, difficult to wake at the best of times. Now, he intended to use that against Kurt, to slip from the room and the mansion without waking the elf.

The low even breath of sleep came in a few minutes and Logan moved to stand over the bed, staring down at Kurt.

That heart ache rolled over him once more, but leaving was for the best. He couldn’t hurt Kurt if he wasn’t here.

Yet, Logan knew he would hurt the elf, hurt him emotionally when Kurt discovered Logan had left. His imagination conjured the elf’s face, the devastation of Logan leaving him behind etched on those elfin features. He shook off the image and stalked to the desk, scrawling a note on a pad of paper.

Words couldn’t explain his reasoning, just that he had to go...for Kurt’s own good. For the good of the Institute...until he got control of himself again.

Logan left the note laying on the desk in plain sight.

Going to the closet, he grabbed up his backpack and stuffed a pair of jeans, a couple of tee shirts into the pack, grabbing up other items as he went.

He left the pack on the balcony and quietly went to gaze once more on his lover.

“Sweetheart...my elf,” Logan whispered. “I love you. I swear to god, I do. But I gotta go, elf.”

Logan reached down and gently stroked black hair. He bent and lay a kiss on Kurt’s temple. Kurt stirred ever so slightly then settled back into sleep.

Emotion pushed up Logan throat, threatening to choke him.

God, ya gotta get outta here or yer gonna start bawlin’ like a baby.

He turned away and headed for the balcony.