EXCERPTS

EXCERPTS (6 of 8)
Shame is for the Weak

Bobby/Logan
4300 words

Characters copyright and property of Marvel Comics Group. Story and plot copyright 2002 Blu Fiction and property of Atomic Fantasy – all rights reserved. Please contact the author for archive permission and feedback.

Shame is dedicated to the unexplainables in life.

~

"HA HAHAHA HA HA aaaahhhh HA HA HAAA!"

"Fuck you, Drake."

"Oh you SOO asked for that one!"

"Fuck. You."

"Oh, I t'ink dat li'l Wolvie's gettin' his fur mussed, den."

"Fuck you, too, Cajun."

"Really, Wolverine. Calm down. It was only a joke. Just meant in fun."

"Oh - you think so, eh Bets? How would you like it if I did that to you!?"

"You don't know me all that well. I might like it."

"You would."

Logan walked over to the garden hose that lay nearby and picked it up. With a grimace on his face he turned it on and sprayed himself off.

"It wasn't REALLY that, Logan." Logan makes no reply. "Awww come on - don't be mad." Still none. "Fine. Be that way you grouchy bit bitch."

Ooops. I guess when you find Logan's claws popped under you chin in the span of a blink and a sip it means that you went too far. Oh well. Guess I went to far. I smile, because I know it infuriates him even more.

"Listen, ya little popsicle pretty boy - I ain't old and I ain't a woman, er. r. I think those accolades go to you."

Well. You can't be friends with everyone. Some people will just never learn. Logan and I never did get along all that great, anyways. Still, it sometimes bothers me that he and I never got to be close - it seems like he's friendly with every guy on the team except me.

*****

"Heya Pete, how's it goin'?" He's pretty quiet and not sayin' much so I just sit tight for a few seconds. He'll answer me when he's done with his portrait. Except he doesn't. "Well, I'll see ya later, then."

*****

In the rec room there's a group of people playing Mario Kart. I love Mario Kart! I am ready to kick some ass.

"Move over, comin' through. Thanks Blue!" I unceremoniously shove aside my friend and squeeze in between he and 'Ro. "Geez, Cookie Monster, you are gettin' FAT. Too many Twinkies, eh?"

"You'd know, Robert."

I ignore his famously dry humor and focus on the screen. 'Ro is eyeing me in a challenge so I stare her down and we're ready to go. We don't get to have much fun like this too often. Days off are nice.

I've got Yoshi and she's taken the Princess. Imagine that. We're at the starting line and I'm ready to blast the peachy bitch into oblivion when I'm distracted by two new racers.

"Wha!? Awww come on we were gonna go!"

"Oh chill OUT, Freezerburn. You ain't the king of this game - I AM." Oh. Well it's only Jubilee. I mean the only person who could possibly have racked up more playing hours on this thing than I could have. A worthy opponent. Still. I will crush.

"Hey Sparkler. Alright. Let's go."

"Hold on." Oh GAWnow now who!? I see Wario pop up next to Jubes' Toad.

"Cyke!? Awww. Man why even bother? You know you're gonna get kicked."

"Hmmm. We'll see about that. What are you doing here, anyhow? Shouldn't you be playing at being an X-Man, Jubilee?"

"Ha ha. Funny. I thought that was my line."

'Ro and I have been silently concentrating. We take off before the other two even know the light is green.

"Heyyyy! No fair." And a grunt from Scott. 'Ro and I have small evil smiles on our lips as we round half the course before they even get up to speed.

"It's you and me, BABE." I say to her quietly.

"Bring it on," is her surprisingly competitive remark.

I sometimes think I could love Ororo if she weren't such a frightening person to look at. I mean, really. White hair? Hello? My grandma has white hair. I don't really want to be having sex with it. Of course - anyone hearing me say that, in this house at least, would say something like: "Sex? Bobby why does it always have to be about sex with you? What about love and friendship." Well. Love and friendship are all good. But hardly fulfilling my needs. Large as they are, no less.

I've gotten a little distracted by my thoughts and now 'Ro is passing me by. She doesn't know I have a bomb waiting for her. Princess goes flying.

"YEEEE HAW! Eat it! Ha HA! I just blew you outta the water!"

I grow concentrated again as I hear a lot of Toad-yelling and Jubilee snickering a she rides a mushroom to where I'm at. "Got ya."

And then I'm careening off the side, as well.

It doesn't much matter. Scott ends up winning, the bastard. I'm a sore loser so I don't say much but just toss the controller down.

"Hmmm," Hank says from next to me. I'd almost forgotten he was there. He feels nice and warm, all of a sudden. Aw but he's my best friend and I really don't think he likes guys, besides. "It looks like you lost, Robert." I give him a smack on one big furry arm and then get up and go to my room.

*****

Hey, there's Logan. What's he doing this late? I've been reading all afternoon and haven't seen anyone since my exit from the rec room. The sound of a motorcycle has brought me out of Middle-earth and now I'm curiously looking through my curtains at the dark form three floors down. Road trip.

"Didn't anyone ever tell you not to peep?"

I turn around and there's Hank, again, standing in the doorway with one arm resting on the wooden frame and a big red apple with a bite out of it in his large hand. The only thing I can think of is forbidden fruit.

"Didn't anyone ever tell you to KNOCK?" I return with as much sarcasm as I can muster.

"Oh please, Bobby. It's not as if you were in here masturbating or something."

"I might have been, though!"

He gives me a look and I know I shouldn't have said that. "Well," he says to me with complete calmness and normalcy, "wouldn't be the first time I've seen it now would it?"

I embarrassedly remember when we joined and he walked in on me. "I was 14, Hank."

"And I was 21. Your point being?"

I give up with a sigh and flop back down to my bed. "So did you just come up here to remind me of that or did you have something else in mind?"

The weird thing with Hank is, we have this odd kind of flirtatiousness between us. I can't tell when he's playing and when he's not. I just act like I am always playing, even though I know the only thing I'd want would be him - ALL OVER ME.

He arches a brow in his famous way. "Have in mind, Bobby? That should be my question to you, no doubt. As it is. No. I just thought I'd stop in and see what you were up to."

"Bored, Hank? Not enough work in the lab, tonight?"

"Oh no, there's a fair amount actually. I've made some rather interesting discoveries and there's quite a bit of backlogging to do on the mainframe. All of our files need to be updated and I have to schedule some more tests. You know, you really need to come in for an exam sometime."

"The idea of you examining any part of my body scares me, Hank. Especially the more private ones." Hank just loks at me and this time its a look that says he hasn't a clue what I'm talking about. I'm so used to all his different looks that I can read through him like glass.

"Well, in any case. You need to be looked at."

"Tell me about it."

"I'm serious Robert. It's a matter of routine health maintenance."

"PC, Beast. PC."

He sighs and gets up from where he had been hunched next to my bed. "Adieu, Bobby. Sleep well."

"Night Hank."

He leaves and I sigh and I get up and go to the window again but Logan is gone.

*****

"Why don't you like me?"

"Why d'ya think I don't?"

"Come on, Logan. You always look at me like you hate me."

"Jesus Christ, Drake. Anyone ever tell ya yer fucked in the head?"

That kinda hurts me. I think because I know how true it is. I don't have much to answer that with. "Logan, I mean it. I want to be friends with you. I'm trying to find out what makes you tick."

"Don't."

"Why?"

He leans in close to me. "You don't wanna know why."

I gulp in some air. Logan has always intimidated me. Even though I have seniority on him ... it doesn't count for much. "Yes I do."

His eyes are looking at me dark and still but there is definitely something going on behind them.

"You like to ride?" He eyes the bike next to us.

"Dunno. Never tried it."

"Yer missin' somethin'. Meet me tonight at the garage and I'll show ya all about me."

*****

I'm kinda scared and kinda anxious and a lot of excited. I don't really know what to wear so I pull out jeans and long-sleeved shirt, the heaviest I can find. Then I head out to the garage. The night is cool but damp - I can feel the moisture around me. It's gonna rain soon. The sky is clear but it won't be for long, I know.

Logan is waiting for me like he said he would be. I'm both relieved and stressed at finding him, though. He's dressed in leather. I've never seen him in so much leather. Once in awhile a bomber jacket but not ever in full chaps and a riding vest and side-zip jacket. I never really found anything that great in leather - but I have to breathe a little deeper when I see him in it.

"Hop on," is all he says. He hands me a helmet, all black, and puts one of his own on. "Take a jacket." I pull one off the wall - its not as nice as his but I catch myself in the mirror and I have to smile - cuz I shine up pretty nice in it. "Hold on to me."

"Where?"

"Around my waist, Drake. Where else?"

And then we're gone, going down the winding backroad till we hit the rural route, and then going up into the parts of New York that aren't city - which is, as I learned a long time ago - most of it. Mostly just country.

Holding on to Logan feels good, even if I'm feeling guilty about it. He's heavy and thick, and even through the leather and wind I can feel his heat. I'm a little bit scared of the bike and the speed we're goin at - it is my first time afterall - so I hold onto him maybe a little tighter than I should, and sit maybe a little closer than I should. If he notices or cares he doesn't say anything about it, so by the time we stop off the road in some woods I've got to be nearly squeezing him to death. But he still doesn't say anything.

After we are stopped I quickly take my arms off of him and scoot back a little on the seat. He gets out and pulls a pack from the back of the bike. I didn't notice it when I got on.

"I gotta piss," he says, and walks off a few feet.

"What are we doin out here?" I ask him. I'm still sitting on the motorcycle because I don't really know what else to do.

"Well as you can see, I'm peein' and your sittin'." Logan seems to be in a good mood and he even smiles while he talks to me and pees.

"Is that why you like riding?"

"Because I c'n piss?"

"No - you're smiling. Does it put you in a good mood?"

He looks thoughtful for a second. "I guess. Sometimes. Mostly I just like the feeling I get with the wind in my face and the feeling like I'm the only one around anywhere. No other people."

I can see why he'sled led Wolverine. It's not a new thought but a new angle on an old one.

"You know," I say tentatively, "I don't think you and I are so different."

He's done and zips himself back up then picks up some wood from off the ground.

"Fire?" I nod. "Why do ya say that?"

I get off the bike and walk over to where he's at. "You like bein' alone. I do too."

He eyes me in that dark sort of way, considering. "Yeah. I guess you might be right."

The fire gets going and we sit for awhile. He takes off his riding gear and lights a cigar. I stretch myself out. It feels good by the fire.

"So Drake," he says abruptly, puffing away and staring up at the sky. "Ya wanted ta know about me. We been teammates fer what - 2, three years now? Ya don't know me yet?"

"No. Not really. Would you know you if you were me?"

He lets out a laugh more like a grunt. "Ya got a point, there, kid."

"I'm 23."

"Kid."

"Old man." I smile vindictively at him.

"Might be," he asnwers.

"We don't know your real age."

"An' ya think I do?" he askes me incredulously.

"Well," I shrug. "Don't you have any idea?"

"Nope." Puff puff. Quiet. Yawn. Better to let the topic die. "Yer gay?" I'm too shocked to answer right away, and that's all the answer he needs. "Thought so."

"How did you know?" It doesn't bother me. Hank knows. He's the only one I've told.

"Smell it. Not that exactly. More like - I c'n smell yer arousal sometimes. Around guys."

"Wow. That is cool, Logan." And I really mean it. It IS. "You don't care?"

"Why should I? Ain't like it's the only thing about ya or the only thing that makes ya who ya are."

"I wish everyone was so cool with it."

"Well, it helps when you know what it's like."

I'm not really sure what he means but I think he's telling me something and I think I should be getting it but I'm not quite. He looks at me meaningfully and I just look back at him blankly. He snorts and gets up. From out of the pack he pulls a six and offers me one.

"YES. Beer! Hand it over, big guy!" I'm glad for the distraction. He opens his with one claw, the way I've watched him do it so many times before. His is gone in a few big gulps. I'm no beer slouch, myself.

"Bottoms up, Logan," I say as I tilt the can back and then drain it in one long draw. "Ahhh" I say in satisfaction when I'm done. The fire seems to feel better already.

"Another?"

"Sure."

I have one, then two more. Logan has his a second and then the six is gone. I'm feeling pretty nice but a little bit hot so I take off my shirt.

Some point between now and later, I realize drowsily that Logan's put up a tent. I watch him build it for a few minutes - but I guess the beer got to me quick because I'm sweatin' a little more than my usual cool allows, and I think I've erected my own tent between my legs. I realize this in the back of my head and sit up, still feeling a little ashamed about it even though I know it's the alcohol thinking.

Is it? Logan IS kind of attractive. Well, more than that. I guess he's pretty hot when I really take time to look at him. He shouldn't have taken his shirt off, though. I mean I know it's hot but ... he didn't need to turn up the temperature on me. He knows I like it cool.

I realize my thoughts are rambling and I'm getting that light and sort of spinning feeling that I love so much in a buzz, so I crawl over to the tent. I'm not really that drunk. I could have walked. But this shows Logan my ass from a better angle. I feel shameless and ashamed at the same time but either way I can't help but laugh as I make it to the tent opening just as Logan is hitting the last spike into the ground - with his palm. Another handy use for adamantium bones!

"What's so funny?"

"Oh nothing ... hehe ... haha HA ..." I crawl into the tent still chuckling. I really don't know what I'm laughing at but I just want to laugh.

I flop down onto the - nicely, I note - prepared sleeping arrangement ... halfway noticing that one sleeping bag is opened all the way and laying flat and the other is opened all the way and laid across. Like a makeshift bed, sorta. I chuckle some more as I strip off my jeans - feels good to get them off - and lay down on the soft padding.

Through the partly open flacan can see Logan still sitting at the fire, smoking again but lookin' really thoughtful. I kinda just watch him for awhile. I get the weirdest feeling that I know him better just watching him than if I was talking to him. But that the alcohol thinking for me, I guess. I don't like being too deep, anyways. It hurts to think about.

"Find what yer lookin' for?" he asks me.

"What?"

"Yer starin'."

"Oh. Sorry."

"Don't be."

"Uh - ok."

I yawn and lay down, not really thinking about Logan's comments. My mind wanders to Hank again for a few minutes. I'm thinking about how warm he felt next to me the day before. Thinking about his smile and those white teeth. His muscles ... arms ... blue eyes ... that smile ... butt ... eyes ... Hank ...

*****

I wake up with a wicked headache sometime later and shake my head cuz I don't even remember falling asleep. At first I think I only dozed off but I can see low embers burning in the coals of our fire. It's dark.

I'm dying for a drink - I crawl out to the ground by the fire and feel around for the bag. When I find it I'm glad that Logan packs the necessities - water in a cantine. I kinda laugh to myself under my breath. Practical Logan. The thought makes me kinda sad tho so I stop thinking about it and just drink. I save some for him, though. I'm not all bad no matter what Hank and Ororo say. I can be nice, too!

Crawl back in. Hit something - oh - it's Logan.

I can't help it - it's too tempting. He's asleep - facing my direction, I notice. My knee has just bumped him in the thigh - I think anyways - but I keep it there and, for the hell of it, just rub it a little. I get a huge rush just from that. My heart is like poundin' in a few seconds.

But now that I did that - nope. Not enough for the Iceman. Gotta go further, Bobby. So I do even though I'm screaming in my head that it's a bad idea the whole time. My other shoulder-angel is telling me it's great and to keep doing it. Well. Mom always did call me a little devil when I was a kid. SOme things just never change.

My hand touches his bared arm and then brushes his chest. The feeling of danger I get is great. I want to see how far I can take it.

I crawl back into the makeshift bed, this time, under the top sleeping bag. Logan is under it, too. Second by second I nudge my body forward towards him until I can feel his heat, and I know he's within a few inches of me. I'm feeling almost bad about what I'm doing - he's asleep for cryin' out loud! Still. I can't help myself.

I touch a knee to him ... I can't tell right where it's touching but I thnk it's part of his leg, maybe. Then the other knee and then a foot. I'm moving very slow. Finally I manage to get my elbows to his chest, and most of my forearms are touching, too. My fingers are just under his chin. I can feel him breathing on me. Logan, actually, smells REALLY good. I'm surprised. He looks so dirty and rough all the time ... I guess he DOES shower once in awhile.

My thought is interrupted with a hand clamping on my wrist and two shining eyes glaring at me. And I've got a smile on my face. Duh. Dumb, Drake. Dumb.

"What are you doing?" His voice is quiet but clear.

"Logan - I - I just ... I - I don't know. I wanted to touch you ... I guess."

"You shoulda asked."

"I know - I'm sorry ... really. I just - you said you didn't care that I was - I'm - and it's not like I can touch too many people around the mansion - not anyone actually, so ..."

"Cool it, Drake."

"Sorry." I start to take my hand away and move back but his grip is holding me. I'm confused.

"Not that. I like that. You don't need to explain. I ain't gonna gut ya."

I can't really say anything. I start to chuckle a little at first and then I smile. "Ok." And I nuzzle in closer. It's absurd, I know it is - I shouldn't be doing it.

But I can't help it.

*****

We wake up just like that. It occurs to me as we drive back to the mansion on his mototrcycle that we probably could have done a lot more if I had taken it farther. Logan never even said a word about it. For him it was a non-issue - he said so, after all. I wondered why Logan allowed it - did he like men, too? Did he even care about who he slept with at all? Maybe not. But I didn't think so.

I learned about Logan. I learned a lot. And we really didn't say much to eachother that whole night. Sometimes, though, it doesn't take words, really. I guess.

*****

We got home early. Hank was in the kitchen when we came in. Logan said nothing to him, walked by without saying anything at all. Hank eyed me. "Have fun?"

I didn't feel like I owed him anything. I did what Logan had done and walked by, up the stairs and to my room.

Hank followed me, of course. Big dumb blue furball.

"Where did you ... two ... go off to, Robert?"

I started unpacking and was silent. Hank's patience did have a limit, I knew. If I was going to tell him this he was going to have to beg a little.

"Well aren't you going to tell me anything?"

The leather jacket in my closet ... the helmet up on the shelf ... my flannel in the laundry ... jeans ... wait. They had to stay on. Where was my underwear. Come to think of it ... when did I get dressed anyways? I realized I had woken up with my pants on, then.

Hank was still staring. My face must have done something because he got his look of concern. "Robert?" he asked, stepping forward.

My under ...

It hit me all at once that there was only one explanation for my missing skivvies.

I started laughing, then. "Logan," I said aloud, laughing harder. "HA! haHA! ... Logan!"

Hank was now looking at me like I was nuts. "Bobby, ummm ... I - I'm rather at a loss."

"Oh Hank!" I gave him a big hug for the hell of it. He seemed kinda embarrassed by it and clutched his coffee cup closer to him and then looked at me strange again. "Where were we last night, Hank? We were being friends."

"Rii-iiiight. You and Logan. Friends. I see. Well Bobby I think I'll leave you alone, now." He started walking away.

"Hank," I called to him, "don't worry - you're still my number one."

"Oh - how lucky and wonderful I feel, now, Robert. Thank you ever so much for that gracious appellation."

He shut the door. I was still chuckling. "Tightass!" I shouted. "Got a nice one, to, ya know!"

Heheh.

Logan. Has my uwearwear. I unzipped my jeans and folded them up. I took out the leather jacket and put them inside it, then closed the flap over top of them. I stuck a note in the pocket.

*****

Logan's door was open a crack. I didn't get an answer when I knocked, so I stepped in. The shower was on in the back. I could hear ... singing? I stifled a laugh and set down the jacket on his bed, then left.

*****

'Dear Logan,

I'm glad we're friends now. We didn't talk much but I think we came to an ... understanding. I figured you might want the rest ... to go with what you already have. Just don't ever tell me what you do with them.

Drake.'

~