In Fear of Three Little Words

Well, I had every intention of posting this chapter sooner, but I spent most of Saturday afternoon and Sunday trying to get the sasser worm out of my computer! I'm not all that computer savy, but I am smart enough to have McAfee and that's what saved me although it took them till yesterday to clean the mess up and allow me back on the internet. Still cleaning up this morning actually. And now I'm going to have to clean up my Dad's computer as well. Damn those assholes. If I got my hands on those sons-of-bitches that think this is funny...well you know what I'd like to do to them. Just ask Kurt!

Thanks Warconq for your review. I don't really think of this story as smut...though I've been known to write some smut in my time. And that you think I've made the characters so real...well, that's one of the highest compliments I can think of. Thanks, sweets!

And thanks Tana for your concern. I'm really sorry I took so long, but I want to post good stuff and not get in too big a hurry. That's where most fan writers get in trouble, getting in too big a hurry with their stories.

Enjoy.


Chapter 59


The wind blew Kurt’s hair back around his helmet and he hung onto Logan’s waist, snuggled close against Logan’s back. The thrumming of the motorcycle beneath his thighs sent a thrill through his body not unlike the sexual pleasure Logan induced in him. Kurt snuggled closer and felt Logan’s hand reach back and squeeze his thigh.

Logan had rented them an ocean side cottage for the weekend and they were making good time on a Good Friday morning. The air was crisp and Kurt hoped this good late April weather would hold up and that they wouldn’t end up riding back to the Institute in a cold downpour.

They rode to the coast, intending to enjoy a few days away from the Institute, away from studying for finals, away from graduation plans, away from dark thoughts and bad dreams...at least, Kurt hoped so.

He knew Logan was still worried about him and he knew Logan had reason. Agent Fury, as of that morning, had not called about locating Sabertooth and that niggling fear ran up Kurt’s spine and back down. He stiffened involuntarily and again, Kurt felt Logan’s hand on his thigh, giving him a reassuring pat.

But Kurt had his cell phone and Professor Xavier had promised he’d call if he received any word from the SHIELD agent.

Kurt forced himself to stop thinking and turned his gaze to watch the Spring scenery go by. The lush greens and flowering trees calmed his mind and eased his aching soul. He was safe with Logan, Kurt was sure and slowly let his guard down, determined to enjoy this time away alone with his lover.

Yet, the night ahead sent a flutter of anxiety through Kurt.

Would he? Could he? It had been so long since he and Logan had really made love and only once had he let Logan touch him intimately since Sabertooth and Trask had tried to break him. He had enjoyed making Logan come, enjoyed touching his lover’s body, remembering when the loving had come so easily. But letting Logan bring him to climax had been more difficult.

Why? Kurt didn’t understand that reluctance inside himself. What was he afraid of...his own vulnerability while in the throes of passion?

He remembered a sense of powerlessness rolling over him, that he wasn’t in control of his body and maybe that was the problem. He had felt that powerlessness acutely while Trask tortured him and while Sabertooth raped him. Perhaps his mind didn’t differentiate between while his body was occupied.

No. Kurt refused to believe that. His mind and body knew the difference between being assaulted by Sabertooth and being loved by Logan.

These conflicting thoughts whirled around inside Kurt’s head, giving him no relief nor answering any questions.

Finally, they came to a small town, the sort Kurt had seen in his mother’s books and magazines.
New England at its quaintest. The smell of the ocean wafted on the breeze and the neat rows of houses with pretty gardens graced the tree lined streets.

Logan pulled into a strip mall parking lot and parked outside the door to an office marked Seaside Rentals. Climbing off, Logan pulled off his helmet and Kurt did the same, glad to remove the confining headgear. He rubbed his cramped ears and climbed off as well.

“Why don’t you wait out here and keep an eye on the bike, elf?” Logan said. “I’ll only be a minute.”

“Uh...well, okay,” Kurt replied reluctantly. He glanced around, flinging a look over his shoulder.

“Hey,” Logan said, tracing Kurt’s cheek with a gentle touch. “It’s okay. Nobody’s gonna hurt ya.”

“I know that,” Kurt said and heard his own defensiveness. “I’m fine. I’ll wait right here.”

Logan offered him a wink and Kurt watched Logan enter the office and close the door. Anxiety instantly washed over Kurt and he swallowed down a lump in his throat, trying to remember his exercises for dealing with sudden panic attacks.

No. He was not going to have a panic attack. Logan was right through that door and what did it matter that he was miles from the Institute, in a strange town he’d never been in before? He was going to enjoy this trip if it killed him and he would prove to Logan that he was making progress...that he was strong enough to face the world on his own.

Yet, that unreasoning fear rose up and clutch at his throat and pounded in his chest. Kurt took a deep breath and walked around the motorcycle, pretending he was checking the storage bags and looking for scrapes on the paint.

The door opened and Logan came out with a set of keys dangling from his finger. “Ready?” he asked.

“I was born ready,” Kurt stated, faking confidence.

The house was far too modern to be called a cottage, all slanted roofs and glass windows lining the ocean side. But Kurt liked the look of it and the feel of it and even without a window open the sound of the ocean was a constant neighbor.

He walked around the kitchen, finding coffee maker and supplies and the necessities for a few days. The living area had a sleek metal and stone fireplace, very different than the one at the cabin, yet invoked the same cozy feeling.

Wandering into the bedroom, Kurt ran a hand over the geometrical design bedspread, his thoughts going wistful.

Could he? Would he? The questions came to him like a haunting melody. He wanted to remember the sweet savory taste of making love, but too often all his body remembered was the pain and the humiliation of what was done to him.

He felt Logan behind him, that warm presence of his lover familiar and yet, since the kidnapping, a distance lay between them as wide as the ocean just outside the cottage door. A distance he needed to bridge for no one else could do it for him.

Logan’s arms went around him in a gentle embrace and a light kiss touched his ear then his cheek.

“You okay?” Logan asked.

“I’m...fine. It’s very different than the cabin, but I like it here.”

“I hoped ya would. The cabin would’ve been great, but they had a big snow just last week so I thought this would work better.”

“I’m tired of snow.”

“Me too.”

They stood there for a few long moments and Kurt relaxed, enjoying Logan’s arms around him.

“You sure you’re okay?”

Kurt turned in Logan’s embrace and offered his lover a smile of reassurance. “I am okay. Stop worrying so much, Mr. Overprotective.”

“Look who’s talkin’.”

“But you need worrying about,” Kurt countered.

“Yer a brat, ya know that?”

“But you love me anyway.”

Something changed in Logan’s expression, something rich and deep and full of emotion. “Yeah, I do, elf. If I could only tell ya how much. If I could only make up for not sayin’ it sooner. For bein’ afraid to say it.”

Kurt leaned in and kissed Logan. At first he kept the kiss chaste, closed mouthed and gentle, but a wave of intensity washed over Kurt and he opened his mouth against Logan’s and deepened the kiss.

Logan groaned and melted into Kurt. At that moment, all Kurt wanted to do was give Logan anything and everything he ever wanted in life.

Finally, they parted and Kurt gazed into his lover’s eyes. “You’ve more than made up for it, Logan. Everyday I feel more loved than I ever dreamed anyone could love me.”

Logan pulled him close, holding on as if Kurt would disappear.

“I’m...not going anywhere,” Kurt offered.

Logan let out a sigh and loosened his grip. “I know.” Logan turned him and they headed back into the living room. “How about we take a walk on the beach?”

“That would be wonderbar.”

The cool ocean breeze caught Kurt’s hair as soon as they step out onto the small patio, but the sun beat down, warming his fur. He caught Logan’s hand and they walked towards the water and along the rocky shoreline.

“This is beautiful.”

“As beautiful as the mountains?” Logan asked.

“In its own way, yes. But I was raised near the mountains and that’s where my heart lies.”

Logan leaned into him and whispered. “I thought I had your heart.”

Kurt turned a smile to Logan, his hair blowing around his face. He gathered it and held it back. “You do and I know it is safe in your keeping.”

“You little blue romantic you,” Logan said, snatching a kiss from him, obviously not caring if anyone saw them.

“That’s me,” Kurt replied against Logan’s lips. He slid his arm through Logan’s and they resumed walking.

“How about we go out for dinner?” Logan suggested. “I know a little place not far from here and they’ve got great fresh lobster...crab...shrimp.”

“You’ve been here before then,” Kurt said.

Logan shrugged. “Yeah, a few times...when I need a place to relax or think. It’s a nice little town. Quiet. Clean. Friendly enough without people messin’ in your business.”

“Sounds like paradise.”

“For the short term. It’d get boring after a while.”

Boring sounded pretty nice...at least, for a little while.

************************

The fire glowed in the fireplace and the television chattered on with some sitcom that made Logan’s nerves quiver with irritation. Luckily, Kurt changed the channel before Logan’s last nerve snapped. The elf flicked through channel after channel, surfing more than watching.

Shifting, Kurt snuggled in beside Logan and together they pretended to care about the latest martial arts movie on HBO.

What did they call it? Deja Vu?

Yeah, that’s what the night felt like...like a moment Logan had already lived a few weeks ago when he and Kurt had laid together watching a movie on TV. He couldn’t now even remember what movie had been playing.

Kurt’s fingers slid along Logan’s thigh and Logan stroked a hand down Kurt’s hair, lightly playing with the silky strands. He sniffed and smelled shampoo, the fragrance enticing yet subtle and an essence that was Kurt and Kurt alone.

“This movie sucks,” Kurt stated. “I can’t believe people actually get paid to act this bad.”

Logan chuckled. “It’s amazin’ what people get paid to do.”

Kurt looked over at him and the bright eyes were wide and glinted like polished amber.

“What’s on your mind, sweetheart?” Logan asked.

Kurt didn’t reply, but leaned into him and soft lips caressed Logan’s, mouth opening against his. Logan pulled Kurt closer, his hands moving over clothing and wanting to touch fur and feel that sleekly muscled body against his.

“Oh baby,” Logan purred into Kurt’s ear. “You up for this?” Kurt pulled back and Logan saw doubt in Kurt’s eyes. “Don’t do this for me. We’re on your time line, not mine.”

Kurt looked down. “I wto..to...really I do, but....”

“I know...but. I’ve gotta idea. Why don’t we just go to bed and see what happens? We’ll do what you wanna do and no more.”

Kurt’s gaze rose and his expression was grateful. “You are so good to me,” he said and traced a finger over Logan’s lips and across his jaw.

Logan winked at Kurt. “Come on. Time for bed.”

Kurt turned off the television and checked the door lock while Logan banked the fire. Logan met Kurt at the bed and reached out, pulling Kurt to him. Kurt didn’t stiffen in his arms and that was a good sign. Hopefully, they were on the right side of the curve for the evening.

He ran his hands down Kurt’s body. Golden eyes closed languidly and a sigh of appreciation seeped out.

Kurt reached for Logan’s shirt, pulling it out of his jeans and up over his head. Logan reached to do the same for Kurt, but asked a silent question first and Kurt nodded his agreement.

Both now bare chested, Kurt stood close to him, letting Logan stroke fur and hair, allowing kisses along his neck and shoulders. A shiver swept over that lithe body and Logan eased back, trying to be sensitive to Kurt’s body language.

Logan hadn’t realized how hard this would be, every move a calculation, every touch needing deliberation before execution. He reigned in his frustration while his body screamed at him its own needs.

He was already hard as stone, his cock throbbing. Letting out a long breath, Logan put out his hands and offered Kurt the next move.

Kurt gave him a little smile and with a coy tilt of the head, reached to unbuckle Logan’s belt, the button and zipper of his jeans following. He had already kicked off his boots earlier and Kurt made quick work of dragging the jeans down Logan’s thighs. Logan stepped out of them and stood naked before his lover.

An expression of worship and lust crossed Kurt’s face, his mouth opening and pointed tongue darting out to moisten lush lips gone dry.

“Oh Logan,” Kurt sighed.

“Com’ere,” Logan said and drew Kurt to him once again. He pressed a kiss to Kurt’s mouth and Kurt responded with an eagerness that surprised Logan.

Kurt put a hand to Logan’s chest and looked up with a smirk. “You haven’t finished undressing me.”

“Well, that can be remedied,” Logan shot back with a matching smirk. Kurt’s pants slid down slim hips and off. Logan knelt before Kurt and he nuzzled his lover’s hard cock. “This is a good sign.”
He let his tongue lick out, sliding along the stiff rod, but Kurt caught his chin and made him look up.

“We can’t do this, Logan. It’s too dangerous.”

“I’m not gonna get nothin’, elf. There’s nothin’ wrong with you.”

Kurt knelt to face him and the sadness Logan saw there made his heart hurt.

“We don’t know that,” Kurt replied, the calm in his voice belying the intensity of emotion in his eyes. “So far the tests have come back negative, but you know I need to be tested for a year before we can be sure Sabertooth did not infect me with anything. We can’t have oral sex...and we can’t have intercourse without a condom. I know we haven’t talked about this and I’m sorry I haven’t been up to dealing with it. But now we are very close and we both must face reality. I will not risk your life.”

Logan gripped Kurt by the arms and stared into that beautiful gaze, his teeth gritted together with his own desperation. “My healing ability will take care of anything like that. And you don’t have AIDS. I know you don’t.” The thought of this bright beautiful unique man wasting away from that terrible disease tore at Logan’s soul. He shoved the possibility away, refusing to allow it consideration.

“Logan, please. You don’t know that. And I’ll not take that chance. Not with your life. I love you too much to let you take that chance. Now stop arguing with me.”

Logan gazed at Kurt and saw a young man confident in his decision, a mature decision that even Logan was unwilling to make. He let out a sigh noddnodded his acquiescence.

“Yer so brave....” Logan choked on the words and he turn away to hide his despair.

A touch of a furred hand brought his gaze back. “I’m not brave at all, Logan,” Kurt replied, swallowing hard. “I’m terrified. I didn’t know what terror was until this all happened.”

Logan drew Kurt into his arms, holding tighter than he should have. “Bravery isn’t lack of fear, elf,” Logan murmured into his lover’s ear. “Bravery is bein’ scared witless and still having the guts to do what’s hard.”

“Then I...am not a...coward?” Kurt said, voice catching on suppressed tears. “That I...am so scared? Everyday...I’m scared.”

“Oh sweetheart,” Logan sighed. “Yer no coward. Yer braver than anybody I’ve ever known.”

Kurt pulled back and surprisingly had banished the tears before they could fall. “I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“Well, yer not gonna find out either, cause I’m not leavin’ ya. We’re gonna get through this together, you and me.”

Logan pulled Kurt back into his arms and they held onto each other until Kurt kissed Logan’s neck and said, “you know, we’d be a lot more comfortable in bed.”

Logan let out a chuckle. “Good call.” He stood and drew Kurt up with him and soon they were snuggled in each other’s arms.

Kurt lay against Logan’s body, stroking his skin with a loving touch and Logan did the same, enjoying the feel of Kurt’s sensual body, the sleek fur and supply muscles beneath.

A hand moved lower, sliding down Logan’s chest and stomach, strong fingers moving to grip his hard needy cock.

He groaned and swallowed hard, his head falling back against the pillows. Warm lips caressed his jaw then neck, sucking deliciously while Kurt’s hand began to pump him. He groaned again and absently stroked the base of Kurt’s tail.

Ecstacy rose up inside of Logan, filling his body, every nerve ending quivering with the delight of Kurt’s sensual touch and kisses. He was helpless with pleasure, drenched in elation and Logan came to the realization that Kurt was the only person who had ever made him feel willingly helpless.

Kurt sucked behind his ear, teeth gently grazing the skin. Logan’s coming washed over him like a tsunami, a tidal wave of sheer, unadulterated ecstacy that bordered the most exquisite pain.

He washed up on the shore of release, panting hard and licking his lips. Kurt leaned down over him with a pleased smile on his face. Logan pulled Kurt to him and the kiss sparked fire, consuming reason. Yet Kurt didn’t stiffen in Logan’s iron embrace. Instead, Kurt moved against him and Logan felt his lover’s need hard against his stomach.

“Hey baby,” Logan murmured. “Where’d you learn to do that to a man?”

“Oh, someone...I don’t recall who...taught me very well.” A grin spread across those elfin features, obviously pleased with himself.

“Well, thank him for me next time ya see him.”

Kurt gave him a mock shove and slid down into the fold of Logan’s arm.

Now was the time. If he was going to do this, this was it.

Logan pushed to one elbow and opened the bedside table drawer. He felt Kurt’s eyes on him, watching him place a tube and a condom package on the table.

“Logan, I don’t.... I’m not...sure....”

Logan turned back to Kurt and saw wariness and a tinge of anxiety on Kurt’s face.

“Hey, hey, hey. It’s okay,” Logan said, reaching out to caress the anxiety from Kurt’s face. “The condom’s not for me. It’s for you...if you want to.”

Confusion marked Kurt’s expression and Logan suppressed a grin at how funny and cute Kurt looked.

“What do you mean...for me?”

“For you to use on me.”

Kurt still looked confused and his gaze strayed away concentrating hard to understand Logan’s meaning.

“Do I have to spell it out, elf. You put on the condom and lube me up and you do me. That’s not hard to understand.”

Kurt’s expression went from confused to startled. “Oh Logan...would you really let me do that?”

Logan let out a frustrated growl, not at Kurt, but at himself. “Man, I really have dominated this relationship if you don’t think you even have the right to screw me once in a while.”

Kurt gave a shrug. “I...well, I never thought...well actually I have, but I didn’t think you’d let me.”

“Why not? You think I could say no to you? I’ve been completely selfish and unfair and you should have said so. You’re not here for me to use, elf. We’re equal here, in bed...in our reonshonship. I may have to give you orders on a mission or in trainin’, but that does not give me a right to order you around in our love life. Got that?”

“All right,” Kurt said, appearing taken aback by Logan’s vehemence on the subject. “I’d...love to screw you. Okay? But....”

“What’s there to but about?”

“I’ve never done this before. It’s...like I’m a virgin all over again.”

Logan’s heart lurched at Kurt’s confession. He had known that Kurt had been a virgin when he’d taken Kurt that first time, yet to hear Kurt say it like that after so many months of them having sex seemed alien to his mind. “That’s okay, baby. So am I...as far as I know.”

Kurt smiled at that and a look of excitement stole across Kurt’s face.

“So, ya want to?”

The smile broadened and Kurt nodded. “Yes, this is so thrilling. I...I...haven’t felt like this in so long.”

“Yeah, me too. So, you never put on a condom even for practice?”

Kurt turned a shade darker and his gaze dropped in embarrassment. “Not really. Amanda and I never reached that stage of consideration.”

“How far did ya get?” Logan asked in a mischievous tone.

“Logan,” Kurt chastised. “That wouldn’t be gentlemanly of me.” Then he grinned again. “Second base and nearly third, but her parents almost caught us and they didn’t even want her seeing me.”

“No home run, huh? Well, we’re gonna remedy that right now...if you want to right now.”

“I do...yes, I definitely would like to...now...if it’s okay with you.”

“I wouldn’t have offered otherwise.”

“Okay, then,” Kurt said, a new eagerness in his tone. “Show me what to do.”

After three tries and three ripped condoms, Kurt was successful. “So you knew I was going to insist on condoms,” Kurt said, looking over at Logan with an eyebrow up.

“Yeah, I figured you would, but I didn’t figure you givin’ me such a hard time about givin’ ya a blow job.”

“Hmpf,” was all Kurt said. “How do you want to do this?”

Logan got to his knees and turned to face the headboard. “You seem to like it like this. Why don’t we give it a try?”

Nervousness exuded from Kurt as he reached for the tube of lubrication and began to spread some onto his fingers.

Logan felt Kurt’s hand run down his back and over his buttocks. He spread his legs further and gave Kurt access to his most private area.

Kurt’s breath was almost ragged as if their positions were reversed. Wetness stroked over Logan’s hole and he worked not to over react to Kurt’s touch. A finger slid tentatively into him, the feeling mildly uncomfortable.

“Yer not gonna hurt me, sweetheart. Don’t baby me. I can take anything you can dish out.”

The finger moved in and out of him, loosening him up then another pushed in with a harder thrust and Logan grunted in surprise.

“How’s that?” Kurt said into his ear, tongue licking out to trace from top to lobe.

“Great...just great.” The fingers thrust into him going deeper and sending a shooting pain up through him. Logan grunted again and felt the angle shift and on the way back out, Kurt’s fingers stroked down. A sensation shot through Logan unlike anything he had ever experienced. He thrust his hips back, seeking that momentary ecstacy again.

“You like that?” Kurt purred against his cheek.

“I like. But what I’d really like...is your cock doin’ that to me.”

“Oh, you are going to make me come,” Kurt ied,ied, voice husky. “Talking dirty like that.”

Logan turned his face to Kurt’s and the expression of lust and sensuality in that golden gaze made Logan catch his breath and sigh. He reached with his mouth and caught Kurt’s lips with his. With tongues dueling, sparks lit a wildfire of desire and for the first time since December Logan felt as though all was right between them.

Kurt moved up close behind him, fingers spreading Logan’s ass cheeks apart. Logan waited trying to keep his breath even and when Kurt pushed in Logan let a breath out, relaxing his muscles.

Still, pain shot up his rectum and a hiss escaped his suddenly clenched teeth.

“Relax. It will hurt... if you don’t...relax.” Kurt murmured soothingly, but Logan heard strain in the elf’s voice. “Oh mein gott, Logan. This feels so good...just being inside...you. Oh mein gott.”

“Try movin’...why don’t ya?” Logan gasped out. The pain wasn’t really all that bad. He’d tolerated much worse and he wanted to feel that ecstacy again before Kurt exploded from sheer sensation.

And Kurt did move, awkward at first and Logan let Kurt find his rhythm, fingers dug into Logan’s hips. Once done, Logan began meeting Kurt’s thrust with a backward move of his hips. He almost shouted when Kurt finally hit his prostate, stroking it on the way in and the way back out.

He growled and panted and now understood what Kurt got out of their lovemaking, the sensation unique and overwhelming.

Fingers brushed up through Logan’s hair and got a hold, tugging his head back and to the side. He felt Kurt’s mouth latch onto his neck and suck hard. In a couple of hours nobody would ever know he’d had a hickey the size of Manhattan on his neck. But that didn’t stop Kurt and Logan was just as glad for that additional stimulus just compounded his enjoyment.WithWith a cry, Kurt bucked hard, three, four...a half dozen times and Logan met every thrust with one of his own. They came down to earth in a slow spiral until Kurt leaned against Logan’s back, breath coming hard.

“You have such a handsome body,” Kurt whispered, hands moving down Logan’s sides and down his thighs. “And it’s all mine.”

Logan swallowed hard and leaned his forehead against the wall, not wanting to move yet. “Can I use...it once...in a while?”

Kurt laughed, breath ruffling Logan’s hair. “You can use it...when I’m not...okay?”

“Deal. But I think I’ve...created a monster.”

Kurt gave a growl and sucked Logan’s neck again.

Finally, Logan shifted and stretched. “Gotta move, elf.”

“I know,” Kurt replied wistfully and pulled out of Logan.

He helped Kurt dispose of the condom and reached for a towel to clean them up. Kurt snuggled into the crook of Logan’s arm and stroked his chest languidly.

“Thank you, Logan.”

Logan pushed up and gazed down on his lover. Bright eyes glowed with satiation and there was an easiness in Kurt’s expression Logan hadn’t seen in far too long.

“Thank you. I think I could enjoy this once in a while.”

“Once in a while?” Kurt replied with expectation of revision of Logan’s statement.

Logan ran the back of his hand over Kurt’s cheek and along the jaw, fingers tracing lips and nose. “Well, maybe more than once in a while.”

Kurt nodded, obviously pleased with the compromise. Logan settled back down and gazed up at the ceiling remembering the feel of Kurt inside of him. He smiled and closed his eyes, happy in the moment and that would have to be good enough.