In Fear of Three Little Words

Hey hey! As I promised a couple more chapters. I don't know how good they are cause I only wrote them today. I usually like to have my beta go over them and I like to let them stew a while, but this is fun too. It's quite exhilerating really. I haven't written much fanfiction for a couple of years now and had forgotten how driven I can get when I know people are waiting to read.

Don't despair, Dark. This story could become the neverending saga. I'm not always sure that's a good thing, but as long as the characters tell me they've got something to say, I'll write it down and give it to ya'll. There's still several chapters to go, promise.


Chapter 54


“I was hoping we might talk about Logan today, Kurt,” Cassandra Martin, his therapist said. She leaned in a little and her chestnut hair fell around her face in a flattering manner.

Kurt looked away, still uncomfortable with talking with anyone about his ordeal, yet Cassie had turned out to be a sympathetic listener with good advice when he asked for it.

Still, he would have rather simply talked with Hank, but even Logan had agreed that Kurt needed professional counseling with someone who understood precisely the anguish and pain he’d suffered. Someone who could guide him towards recovering that part of himself he felt he’d lost.

“All right,” Kurt replied. “We can do that. I have no trouble talking about Logan.”

Cassie smiled and sat back. “I’m glad to hear that considering how close you two are.”

“What do you want to know?”

“This isn’t really about what I want to know, Kurt. We’re here to let you explore your thoughts and feelings about what’s happened to you and how you can deal with it and move on in life. And obviously, Logan is a big part of all of that, both past and future.”

Kurt nodded, took a deep breath and let it out, trying to clear his mind of all the many thoughts whirling around inside his brain.

“Okay,” she said, sensing his trouble grasping at a place to start. “What was your relationship with Logan before all this started? How did you feel about him?”

Kurt tilted his head and looked inward. “Logan isn’t an easy man to get to know. He is gruff and distant sometimes. Sharp tongued. Overly serious. He fills up a room, if you know what I mean.” Kurt smiled at just how much Logan’s presence anywhere filled up a room.

“These sound like negative descriptions.”

“Oh no,” Kurt replied with a hand up. “Logan is Logan. Like no one else. He can be intimidating yet when he’s around he makes me feel very safe. He’s a man of action, you could say. Someone you know would protect your back....when you needed your back protected.”

Cassie nodded. Intelligence and thoughtfulness shown in her blue eyes.

“The Professor says that I idolized Logan,” Kurt continued. “And I suppose the Professor is right. I considered Logan a mentor. He’s taught us all very well. He’s a good teacher, though stern and way over zealous.”

“Did you have a strong relationship with him prior to the first kidnapping?”

Kurt shrugged. “No more than anyone else. I respected Logan...and I still do.”

“So you would say that admiration and respect were the basis for your relationship with Logan?”

“Yes, that probably sums up our relationship at that time.”

“Then you and he were kidnapped,” Cassie said, letting the statement hin tin the air.

Kurt looked away out the window. The sky was overcast today, threatening rain. He thought about the homework that awaited him in his room, anything to put off thinking of being kidnapped, tortured and raped.

“Kurt?”

He turned back with a sigh. “Yes, ma’am.”

“Ma’am?” she said with a grin. “I’m only twenty nine and ma’am makes me feel about fifty.”

He grinned sheepishly back at her. “Sorry. It’s a school habit.”

“I’m not athorthority figure I hope because that’s not at all what I’m intending to be, Kurt. I’m here as your friend...as a counselor who knows and understands that pain you’re going through.”

“How can you understand?” Kurt asked, wishing someone could for he felt so very alone in his pain. “How can anyone who’s not endured rape understand?”

This time Cassie looked away. “I do understand. I’ve been where you’ve been. I was assaulted when I was sixteen.”

“I’m...I’m so sorry.” Raped? She was raped? The thought of this terrible thing happening to such a good person was more than Kurt wanted to contemplate. Thinking of Cassie being raped was like thinking of Kitty or Jean or Rogue being raped. He had come to like this woman very much in the last few weeks.

She shook her head and met his gaze. “It’s all right. I’m not ashamed anymore. I know I wasn’t at fault. And the ones who should be ashamed are the ones who did it. But people like that, well they don’t know shame from a hole in the ground.”

“I’m still sorry.”

“Thank you. But ultimately, that’s why I became a rape counselor. I didn’t start out that way. At first, I just wanted to forget. I didn’t want to deal with it, but someone kind helped me through my own ordeal and now I want to help those in need...like you. I can empathize when others around you can only imagine what you’ve been through.”

Kurt gave a nod, not knowing what else to say.

“So you were kidnapped and as I understand it tortured and then....”

“You want me to tell you how I feel about what happened with Logan, don’t you?”

“That’s where we’re heading, yes.”

“How should I feel? Confused sometimes. Yet, I love him and it’s difficult for me to think of him as a rapist. Because he’s not, Cassie. He’s not like that at all. Logan is a good man...a decent man and he was hurt as much as I was.”

“But he did rape you, didn’t he, Kurt.” Statement, not question.

Kurt closed his eyes. This was the issue. This was the problem, the culmination of his confusion.
“I...I...don’t want to think of him that way.”

“But you’ve never really dealt with the issue, have you?”

“No. I suppose I haven’t.” Kurt leaned forward, desperate to make her understand. “I was terrified. This was a man I respected and trusted. Then suddenly, Logan wasn’t Logan anymore and I was truly alone. Even while he was raping me, I kept telling myself that it wasn’t Logan’s fault. I never blamed him for what happened. I’m not going to start now.” Kurt leaned back and took a breath, sniffing back unshed tears. “And after it was over, he came back to himself and I heard such shame in his voice, such regret and anguish. He was so sorry and I knew he’d blame himself for it. He thinks he should be able to overcome anything, but even with his mutant powers...Logan is still just a man. He had suffered the same tortures. He had been through the same horrors. And then Trask did that to him.”

Kurt shoved up out of his chair and walked over to the window, needing space and time to gather his thoughts again. He crossed his arms against his chest and stared out at the bleak afternoon. A shiver swept over him, memories rolling through him, memories he had thought he had boxed up and shoved to a dark corner in the basement of his mind. But here they were again, cluttering up the shelves in the center of his mind and needing dusting.

“Betrayal,” he finally said and turned to look at Cassie. “To a man like Logan, that is the worst sin. And he felt as though he had betrayed me.”

Cassie gazed at Kurt and he wonder what she thought. She rose and came to stand next to him. “I’ve never encountered in anyone such compassion for another person’s pain. You are a remarkable young man, Kurt.”

Kurt bowed his head. “I don’t feel remarkable. I just feel sad...for myself...for Logan...for anyone who’s felt the depth of pain I feel.”

Cassie put a gentle hand on Kurt’s shoulder and squeezed sympathetically. “Do you feel up to continuing?”

Kurt hesitated then gave a nod. “Yes, I’m fine...really.” Moving back to the chairs, Kurt sat, Cassie adjacent to him. They sat in silence for a few long moments.

“It wasn’t over then, you know,” Kurt said without looking up.

“It wasn’t?”

“No. Trask wasn’t done with us. He wanted another show. And you should know that Logan didn’t want to take the injection that caused him to hurt me. He did it because Trask hurt me with the collar. He set it off and threatened to kill me with it if Logan didn’t cooperate. He took the injection not knowing what it would do to him.” Kurt finally raised his gaze to her, noting how she didn’t react anymore to the strangeness of his eyes. “And all he was doing was trying to protect me. Is that irony?”

“Something like that,” Cassie replied.

“Trask wanted to start it all over again. I’ve never seen Logan so desperate. I’ve never seen him looking so helpless. It was terrible. Logan is...so competent and confident. Seeing him like that...I began to lose hope for us to survive. Trask taunted him and threatened again to hurt me...he threatened....” Kurt squeezed his eyes shut, battling his own memories.

“What did Trask threaten, Kurt?” Cassie asked in a voice full of gentle concern.

“He threatened to...let his men have me. He didn’t say rape...but that’s what Trask meant and Logan knew it. Logan went crazy. He attacked the glass, trying to get to Trask and the collar went off. You can not imagine the pain of that collar, Cassie. I’ve never felt anything like it....”

Cassie reached out and took one of Kurt’s hands, holding on with an empathy lost on so many people today.

“They injected him,” Kurt continued. “And all I could think was that I was going to be raped again.”

“Isn’t that what happened?”

“No. No. Neither of us could stand that to happen again. We...” Kurt shook his head and strained for an answer. “It’s hard to call it making love since we were being forced, but Logan...that’s what it turned out to be. He made love to me. It wasn’t rape. No one had ever tried so hard to keep from hurting me.” Kurt let out an embarrassed laugh. “Oh, don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t gentle at all. And it did hurt...but then something extraordinary happened. Logan’s arms around me were such a comfort after so much pain...days of pain. And he worked to give me pleasure. And he did.
Like nothing I’ve ever experienced.”

Kurt put a hand to his mouth and glanced away. “Is something wrong with me, Cassie? Is there something dark inside of me that would let me enjoy forced sex knowing people were watching us, forcing us to do this?”

She gave his hand a reassuring squeeze. “You were in an intolerable situation, Kurt, with no way out. You had to find a way to survive. Both your mind and body found a way to live with what was happening to you.” She reached out and turned his gaze back to her. “And that Logan
managed to keep the drug at bay enough to focus on your needs instead of his own, that says a great deal about the man.”

“There’s something that I haven’t told anyone. Something Logan told me and I’m not sure if I should say anything, but I...it sometimes prays on my mind and I know that it has prayed on Logan’s. He’s had terrible dreams because of it.”

“Anything you say to me is confidential, Kurt.”

Kurt nodded. “Trask...was going to kill me. He was going to vivisect me alive.”

“Oh my god, Kurt.”

“That’s the sort of man he is. I was nothing more than a lab animal to him. He told me he would cut my heart out and show it to me before I died. He hates mutants.”

“Professor Xavier has told me about him,” she said with a look of disdain crossing her pretty face.

“We had to escape. Right then or I was going to die horribly. Logan has these metal claws.”

Cassie nodded as if she’d been informed of their various mutant abilities.

“Well, he slid them under my collar and tried to cut it.”

“And obviously it worked.”

“Yes, but Logan was going to kill me, if it didn’t work. He was going to cut my throat so they couldn’t cut me up alive.”

Cassie let out a gasp. “And he’s had nightmares that he’s done this?”

“Yes. It’s better now that he’s told me. But sometimes I think he still has the dream.”

“Do you believe that he would have done this?”

Kurt thought for a moment. “Yes, I think he would have to keep them from killing me slowly. It haunts him I think.”

“Does it haunt you?”

“I don’t have nightmares of it. And to tell you the truth, I would have welcomed it if those were my only choices in how I was to die. But I would never wish such a terrible choice on Logan or anyone for that matter.”

Cassie sat back and blew out a breath. “My god. You two definitely have issues.”

“Yes, don’t we,” Kurt said with sarcasm.

“So.”

“So,” Kurt repeated waiting for the other shoe to drop.

“Why do you think you fell in love with Logan?”

Good question. Why had he?

“Why does anyone fall in love with another person?” Kurt shot back. “Because I was attracted to him. Because...I...don’t know that I have an answer to that question to be honest. I just know that I am. I’m attracted to his strength, his courage, his passion. His body, his mind. Is any of that an answer really?”

Cassie grinned at him. “As good an answer as I’ve ever heard. Who does know why we fall in love with someone?”

Kurt grinned back. “He’s a very sexy man.”

“Ah, I see. I haven’t had the pleasure of his acquaintance yet. Is that deliberate or just happenstance?”

“Oh...probably because Logan is uncomfortable with delving into one’s emotional issues. And those who do the delving.”

“Ah, I see,” she said again. “Then what are my chances of speaking to him?”

Kurt restrained a snort. “Not likely is the closest you’re likely to get.”

“But he doesn’t mind you seeing a therapist.”

“That was up to me and he did encourage me this time...after this last...ordeal.”

“I’d still like to meet him and see if he’d talk with me.”

“Good luck, is all I can say.”

“I like a challenge,” Cassie said with a glint of steel in her eye.

Yes, Kurt definitely liked this wom If If she was willing to take on Logan even after being warned, she had his admiration. “Oh Logan is definitely a challenge.”

“Do you mind if I try to talk to him?”

“Me? No, I have no problem at all.”

“And if I do manage to talk to him, do you mind if some of what we’ve talked about overlap?”

“How could it not overlap?”

“Hmmm. Yes. How could it not.”