In Fear of Three Little Words

Chapter 51


Kurt stared out of his bedroom window, staring out over the twinkling Christmas lights blinking on the lawn. He and the others had rang in the new year just as Rogue had wanted, popcorn, soda and Indiana Jones. The Professor had even opened a bottle of champagne, letting them have a small glass to celebrate.

He thought Americans silly for their attitude towards alcoholic beverages. In Germany and much of Europe, wine and beer were a staple of most meals and no one was excluded because of age.

A slight buzz thrummed in his veins, a combination of his meds and the small amount of alcohol he’d consumed.

Behind him, Kurt felt Logan approach. He drew a deep breath and let it out, forcing his body to relax and allow Logan to enfold him in strong arms.

His body quivered ever so slightly and Kurt thought Logan noticed, yet said nothing. He wanted Logan’s touch, but his body remembered pain so readily.

“Happy New Year, elf,” Logan murmured in his ear.

“Happy New Year, Logan.”

“It’s gonna be better.”

Kurt nodded though his soul ached and his hopes were like a roller coaster, constantly rising and falling with his mood. “I’m sure it will be.”

“Let’s go to bed. You’re dead on your feet.”

Kurt nodded again and let Logan lead him to bed. Logan’s arms wrapped around him and Kurt rested his head on Logan’s shoulder, willing his body to relax, something easier said than done.

How long had it been since they’d done this?

“Been a while, huh elf?” Logan said, hand randomly stroking Kurt’s arm.

“I was just thinking the same thing,” Kurt replied. “I’m afraid I’m not up for much of anything.”

“That was the farthest thing from my mind.”

Kurt rose up and stared down into dark eyes. “You are a liar. I know your body. It stirs even now.”

Logan let out a frustrated growl. “Well, maybe not the farthest. But that don’t matter. I’ll get over it.”

Kurt let his gaze stray from Logan’s and ran a hand over Logan’s tee-shirt covered chest. “I could maybe...help you with that,” he offered, but the thought sent a shiver through him that Logan must have felt. “I don’t want you to be disappointed.”

Logan pulled Kurt down into his embrace again. “I’m not here for sex, sweetheart. I’m just here to sleep and give you comfort. That’s it. There’ll be time for that when you’re better...when you’ve healed and we both can enjoy makin’ love again.”

For a long time, Kurt lay, listening to Logan’s heart beat, loud and strong, feeling the soft rise and fall of Logan’s chest with each breath taken. “I’m scared, Logan,” Kurt said in a dread-filled whisper.

Logan shifted and leaned up over him. “What are you scared of?”

Kurt shook his . “. “I’m scared Sabertooth gave me something, some disease...or if not that, then that he’s damaged me too much...or that I won’t enjoy sex again. That Sabertooth has ruined it for me.”

Logan’s hand trailed across Kurt’s cheek and smoothed his hair, a comforting gesture full of love and devotion. A look of anguish and helplessness fought against rage and despair on Logan’s face.

“All we can do right now is keep having you tested each month. We’ll do that for a while and then we’ll know, but Sabertooth is pretty healthy. I’m doubtin’ he’s carryin’ anything. Maybe that’s wishful thinkin’, but we’ve got to keep good thoughts on this one, elf. As for the damage, the Doc says yl hel heal. Just give it time.” Logan glanced away and sighed. “But I don’t know what to tell you about the other, sweetheart. When you’re ready, we’ll try it. We’ll make it work. We’ll take our time.”

“I’m sorry,” Kurt said, reaching up to trace Logan’s jaw line. “I know this is difficult for you too. I feel like such a burden to you.”

“Don’t think that again,” Logan said in a stern voice. “Cause this is my burden too. I’ve taken it on because I love you...because I was a part of it. I can’t do any less. I just wish I could do more.”

Kurt smiled up. “Then lie down and hold me. That’s what I need. That’s what I want.”

“Then that’s what you’ll get.”

*********************

Kurt shot up from bed, staring into darkness. His heart raced and his body shook, breath heaving in gasps.

What had he dreamed? He couldn’t remember and he should be glad for it, but fleeting images and whispers nipped at his subconscious, trying to tell him something important...something vital that he needed to mbermber.

Beside him, Logan stirred, sitting up and laying a gentle hand on his back. Kurt flinched away as if the touch shocked him.

“Easy, sweetheart. It’s me.”

“I know. I’m...sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Logan’s hand returned, gently rubbing through his tee shirt and Kurt let Logan comfort him this time. “Nightmare?”

Kurt hesitated. “I...suppose. I can’t remember.”

“Not remembering is a good start towards not having them.”

Kurs dus dubiou Log Logan’s philosophy, but he nodded anyway. He took a deep breath and slowly let it out, trying to calm, but the anxiety didn’t leave him, nor the feeling he was overlooking something that was imperative he recall.

“You need one of those pills?” Logan asked.

Kurt shook his head. “I had one just before bed. I better not just yet.”

“Then come on, elf. Lay back. Let me hold you.”

Kurt obeyed, snuggling close into Logan’s embrace. But he continued to stare into the darkness, searching for his missing dream. And he couldn’t relax, his body tense with needing to know.

“Do you remember any of it?” Logan asked.

Kurt hesitated again. “I....” He shook his head when images came. “I was in the cell, chained to the floor...and Sabertooth was there, standing over me, laughing. “But that’s not what the dream was about.”

Logan leaned up over him, the darkness obscuring Logan’s features. “What’dya mean that’s not what the dream was about?”

“I don’t know, Logan,” Kurt said with frustration. “I mean, that the images are the same as my nightmares, but this time...I feel like my subconscious is trying to tell me something and I can’t grasp it.”

“It’s okay. Relax. It’ll come to ya when you’re not tryin’ so hard.”

“But then it might be too late,” Kurt replied. Too Too late for what? You’re losin’ me here, sweetheart.”

Kurt pushed up and sat again, his hands going to his face. He rubbed his eyes and flashes of the dream appeared before his inner sight.

But maybe it wasn’t a dream he was trying to recall. Maybe it was a memory.

“Elf.” Logan slid an arm around Kurt’s shoulders. “You need to get some sleep.”

“Wait! Let me think.” Kurt fought beyond the fog of painkillers, searching for clarity of memory. He his his thoughts play out, seeking the memory of that first time in his cell when Sabertooth raped him.

‘Don’t kill him, Creed.’ Kurt recalled Trask’s voice sounding through an intercom. ‘I’ll have your head if you kill him.’

Kurt let out a gasp. “Camera! Oh, mein gott!”

“What?!” Logan moved to face Kurt, grabbing him by the arms and staring into his face. “What are you talking about?!”

But Kurt thought Logan understood, simply refusing to admit it.

“Trask had a camera in...in my cell.” Kurt heard his own voice shaking. “He watched when Sabertooth....”

“Shit!” Logan spat out. He let go of Kurt’s biceps and drove a fist into the bed. “That perverted son-of-a-bitch recorded it! Just like before. God, I’m an idiot. Why didn’t I think of it?”

“It’s not your fault, Logan. I should have remembered before now.”

“You’ve been pumped full of drugs for days, elf. You’re lucky you remember your name.”

“What are we going to dWoulWould SHIELD have them?”

Logan nodded. “Yeah.” He rolled out of bed and headed for the door.

“Where are you going?” Kurt asked, following after him.

“I”m gonna make a call to Fury,” Logan said, stalking down the hallway, heading for the telephone table at the top of the stairs.

“It’s three in the morning,” Kurt stated, but Logan ignored his words and punched in a number.

A door opened and Rogue stood there in her pajamas, leaning on the doorsill and staring at them sleepily. “What’s goin’ on?”

Kurt put out his hands, unsure what to tell her. Another door opened and the Professor rolled out with a look of concern on his face.

“Fury. It’s Logan. Yeah, I know what time it is. We’ve got a problem.”

Kurt listened to Logan explain the situation and Hank came out of his room just in time to hear most of it. Leaning against the wall, Kurt covered his face with his hands. Humiliation washed over him again, the thought of anyone watching those recordings enough to make Kurt physically ill. His stomach hurt like something was trying to eat a hole through him.

Rogue came to him, an arm going around his shoulders. “Logan’s gonna take care of this, Kurt. It’s gonna be okay.”

Kurt didn’t look up. He couldn’t face her or the others, not with this feeling of humiliation coating his soul. Would this horror ever end?

Logan hung up and blew out a breath. “Okay. I’m goin’ to SHIELD headquarters in the mornin’ and look through the discs they confiscated from Trask.”

Kurt felt Logan near him, lifting his chin. He met Logan’s gaze and saw determination in dark eyes.

“It’s gonna be okay, elf. I’m gonna destroy anything that has to do with you.”

Kurt nodded, but all he felt was despair and a pain lodged somewhere so deep, he couldn’t get to it. He feared he never would and the pain would fester, eating him up from the inside out.