In Fear of Three Little Words

Chapter 50


Kurt sat at his desk, trying to concentrate on his work assignments for school, but his mind refused to wrap around World Economics and Chemistry. Winter break would soon be over, but Kurt wasn’t yet ready to go back to school.

What excuse would the Professor give his counselor this time? What would the principal say?

Kurt shivered and his body ached more than usual, probably brought on by the six inches of snowfall and the temperature dropping into the frigid zone.

Hank had promised the aching would get better, that Kurt just needed to give his body time to heal. And he understood that. He’d just expected after a week he’d have recovered from the worst of it.

And Kurt supposed he had...at least physically.

He shoved his books away and rose, making his way across the room to the closed balcony doors. Outside the frosted window, the world was dressed in a shroud of bride’s white. Kurt wrapped his arms around himself and stared out across the lawn.

Last night had been the first back in his own room and Kurt hadn’t slept well, had hardly slept at all. And when he had slept the dreams came, dreams too horrible because so much of what he dreamed had been a reality only days before. At least, none of the dreams had been about Logan. His heart felt heavy today, his mind muddled still from pain killers and anxiety medication and memories that overwhelmed him at times. He shrank from a flash of Sabertooth, flinching from the remembered assault and wondered if he should take another Ativan.

A knock at the door startled him, but Kurt was grateful, the interruption jolting the memory away.

“Come in,” he called and turned.

The door opened and Rogue stood, a silhouette against the hallway light. “Hey there, bro.” She strolled in, looking around. “The studyin’ not goin’ so good?”

Kurt offered a shrug and headed towards his desk. “It’s hard to concentrate. I...didn’t sleep well last night and the meds keep my mind scattered.”

“Not to mon oon other things, huh?”

Kurt shrugged again and flipped through his Chemistry book absently.

“Can I help you with anythin’? I’m lousy at Chemistry, but I can help you study if ya want.”

Kurt didn’t look up. “I’m...all right. Don’t you have plans for New Year’s Eve or something?”

“Nah. With everybody gone home until breaks over there’s not been much to do. Even Scott’s gone to see his brother. But I thought I’d just hang around here. Maybe we could make some popcorn and watch a movie.”

“I don’t know...maybe.”

Rogue stepped closer, a gloved hand going out to touch his arm. Kurt fought not to flinch away.

“Kurt. What can I do to help? I’m feelin’ real helpless here.”

Kurt sighed and settled into his desk chair, feeling suddenly tired. “I don’t know, Rogue. I don’t know what you can do.” He looked up at her, finally meeting her gaze. “I don’t know what I can do. I have good days and bad days. Today isn’t so good.” He offered her a slight smile. “Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow is a new year. We can all start over and pretend this year didn’t happen perhaps.”

Rogue grinned. “Yeah. I’m sure that’ll work.”

Kurt’s smile broadened. “I’m completely confident in my strategy.”

Patting his arm, Rogue said, “let’s plan on that movie, okay? We’ll rope Logan in and Hank. Maybe even the Professor. We don’t need to go out to have a good time.”

“Thanks, Rogue. You’re the greatest sister anyone could ask for.”

Rogue shrugged shyly. “I don’t know about that, but I know I don’t want to see you fall into too deep a funk. It’s a hard hole to climb out of. Believe me. I know.”

“I know you do,” Kurt replied. “And I appreciate everything all of you are doing to try to make this...this...situation, oh I don’t know...tolerable? Livable?” A wave of anguish washed over Kurt and he pressed a hand to his eyes trying to hold back tears. He swallowed down a lump in his throat. “I’m sorry,” he choked out.

Rogue put an arm around his shoulders. “There’s nothin’ for you to be sorry about, Kurt. You’ve been through hell after hell after hell lately. No one thinks less of you for sheddin’ some tears because of it.”

“I should be...stronger. I...endured so much and now...I feel like...I’m falling apart.”

“Accept that you are and then let your family help you pick up the pieces. We’re here for you, Kurt. Don’t ever think you’re alone.”

Kurt nodded and sniffed.

“Do you want me to find Logan for you?”

He shook his head. “No. Logan does not need me constantly crying on his shoulder. I...will be fine.” Kurt took a deep breath and let it out in a rush. Rogue moved to the bedside table and retrieved a couple of tissues.

“Here,” she said, pressing the tissues into his hand. “Pull yourself together and when you’re ready we’ll go down and see how dinner’s comin’. Okay?”

Kurt looked up at his adopted sister, seeing a woman, not a girl anymore, one who’d been through hell just as he, a different kind, but hell all the same.

If Rogue could come back from where she’d been, couldn’t he come back from his own trip to hell?

Kurt gave up a meager smile and said, “Okay, sis.”

*******************

“Charles, can I talk to you a sec?” Logan asked, poking his head into Charles’ office.

“Of course, Logan. Please come in.”

Logan came, uncomfortable about asking favors, but this one needed asking. In fact, it was something he was gonna insist on. He stood before Charles’ desk and tried to find the words he needed to make his case.

“Please...sit.” Charles waited with his hands clasped together, fingers steepling.

Logan sat, leaning forward. “Doc, I’m concerned about Kurt sleepin’ alone right now. He’s havin’ some pretty bad nightmares. He hardly slept at all last night.”

“I’m aware of Kurt’s nightmares. It will take time for him to adjust to being in his room again. But I sense you have a solution.”

Why do you do this, Chuck? You know very well what I’m gonna say.

“Just a temporary solution,” Logan offered. “Let me sleep in his room with him. He needs to know somebody’s close. A few nights might do it and the other kids aren’t due back for a few more days. Rogue won’t care.”

Charles nodded and a restrained smile pulled at the Professor’s lips. “I’m certain she won’t and neither will Hank nor myself. If it helps Kurt, then by all means spend the night in his room. Offer him what comfort you may.”

Logan let out a sigh of relief. No argument. No fight. That’s the way he liked it. He rose and brushed at his jeans. “Thanks, Charles.”

Searching, Logan found Kurt in the kitchen with Rogue and Hank, making homemade pizza for dinner.

“Looks good,” Logan said, peering over Kurt’s shoulder. Hanedaned in and kissed Kurt’s temple. “How ya doin’, sweetheart?”

Kurt shrugged.

“He’s had a bad day,” Rogue said, sprinkling cheese over the tomato sauce.

“Yeah, I know,” Logan replied. “Didn’t get much sleep last night, did ya, elf?”

Kurt stared at the pizza and Logan wondered what visions lay amongst the pepperoni and mushrooms. “Not much,” Kurt said absently. “I don’t know if I’ll be able to stay awake for the new year.”

“You’d better,” Rogue stated. “I’m countin’ on havin’ somebody to spend New Year’s Eve with. And you guys are all I’ve got.”

“Well, that’s that then,” Hank replied with a chuckle. “We must entertain the lady of the house tonight, gentlemen.”

“We’ll pick out some movies and make some popcorn,” Rogue said.

“She’s determined we have popcorn,” Kurt injected, sounding more like himself. “Us all agreeing on a movie will be something else all together.”

“How about some classic horror movies, Frankenstein...Murder in the Rue Morgue? Or perhaps some Hitchcock?” Hank suggested.

Rogue wrinkled her nose. “How about somethin’ like Indiana Jones?” She glanced over to Kurt in expectation.

Kurt shook his head. “I really don’t care. Anything will be fine.”

“I’m with the elf,” Logan said. “You two hash it out. When’s dinner?”

“A half hour,” Hank stated. “I’ll call.”

“Good. We’ll catch up with you then. Come on, elf. We need to talk.” Kurt went without protest, too quiet, too listless. “I know yer havin’ trouble sleepin’.”

“Mostly last night,” Kurt replied. “It wasn’t as bad before. I don’t know. Maybe I felt more secure in the infirmary. I feel...vulnerable in my room. I shouldn’t,” Kurt rambled as the walked. “But I do. I can’t help it.”

“I think I’ve got a temporary remedy for that problem.”

Kurt stopped and looked at Logan. “I don’t want to go back to the infirmary. I would feel as though I was stepping backwards.”

“Th not not what I had in mind and of course, this is your choice, but how would you like if I slept in your room with you?”

Kurt tilted his head. “Would the Professor allow that?” He sounded hopeful.

“I’ve already talked to him and he gave the thumbs up. Not forever, but at least until the others come back from break.”

Kurt said nothing, evidently deep in thought by the look on his face. “Would you sleep in bed with me or have your own bed?”

“Which would you prefer?”

Kurt leaned against Logan and he pulled Kurt closer into his arms surprised Kurt allowed him to do so. Not since the first day Kurt had awakened had he seemed to want full body contact, partarlyarly after that little breakdown in the bathroom.

“Sleep with me, Logan. I want to know you’re close to me. Maybe that will keep the nightmares away. I’m...so tired today.”

“I know, sweetheart,” Logan kissed Kurt’s hair. “There’s gonna be days like this. But, we’ll get through them one day at a time.”