In Fear of Three Little Words

Chapter 48


The rustle of newspaper drew Kurt up out of the depths of sleep. His mind felt clear, sleep dropping away instantly. He turned his head to find Logan sitting in the chair beside the bed reading the newspaper. He closed his eyes and grasped at the fleeting images flashing just beyond his mind’s eye.

The Professor had been inside his mind, helping him sort through the mess his brain had conjured. Kurt remembered the imagery the Professor had shown him, of building his walls strong yet flexible.

He reluctantly searched for the anxiety that had sent him into such a spiral and found it still lurking, ready to pounce on him again. Kurt backed away mentally from the panic and felt his repaired walls hold against the darkness.

Opening his eyes again, Kurt watched Logan’s hands holding the newspaper, hands that could be so gentle yet so lethal. Logan shifted and crossed one leg over the other still unaware of Kurt’s gaze on him. Kurt couldn’t see Logan’s face, but imagined a frown on those chiseled features, still concerned for Kurt’s welfare.

Yet the memory of his rape at Logan’s hands rose to the surface, something Kurt had thought he had dealt with months ago. Maybe the Professor had been right after all. He had needed counseling and he had refused, wanting to deal with the torture and rape on his own instead of seeking help. Hadn’t he, in fact, refused to even accept that Logan had raped him, giving it word service, but not accepting the fact inside his own mind?

Had he done Logan a disservice by not dealing with the emotional damage right away?

Kurt knew he had and now it reared it’s ugliness when he had no strength to deal with it fairly.

He cleared his throat and watched the paper lower until Logan’s gaze was on him and in those dark eyes Kurt saw doubt and fear and that terrible shame that he had thought they had buried months ago.

“How ya feelin’, elf?” Logan asked, folding the paper and laying it aside.

“Better. I’m sorry----”

“Nope. Don’t start. I won’t have it.”

Kurt let out a sigh. “Okay. I don’t have the strength to argue with you.”

“Nothing to argue about.” Logan’s voice was easy, but Kurt sensed the tension underneath, the uncertainty Kurt had put there by his breakdown.

“What happened....I...don’t know...everything just...overwhelmed me,” Kurt stammered, searching for a way to fix something inside himself that was perhaps broken after all. “Things just got...mixed up and I couldn’t deal with it.”

Logan leaned forward, hands clasp together as if to hold himself back from touching Kurt. “You’ve been through a lot in the last four months, elf. One mess after another. Anybody would overload. I can certainly see how...things...might get mixed up. Maybe stuff from the first time. Maybe stuff about me. I’m surprised it hasn’t happened sooner what with what I did to you.”

The panic tried to rise up inside of Kurt again. He closed his eyes and willed the agitation back to a manageable place inside his mind. It would hold for the moment...but not for long.

“Please,” Kurt said, raising the head of the bed up with the controls. “What happened before...I should have dealt with it.”

“But you haven’t really,” Logan replied, looking away.

“I...I didn’t mean to push you away. I didn’t mean to scream at you. I’m not afraid of your touch. I...maybe...just need a little space right now. I love you, Logan.”

Logan’s gaze returned and Kurt saw the intensity of emotion locked up tight, held back to protect Kurt from Logan’s pain and doubt. “I love you too, elf. But we need to deal with this if we’re gonna have a future together. Ya know?”

Kurt nodded. “I know.”

“And you’ll tell me if you don’t want me around, won’t you? I don’t want to hold you back from healin’.”

“Don’t leave me.” Kurt leaned forward, ignoring the pain that shot up his rectum and lodged in his spine. He reached for Logan’s hand, gripping it in both of his. “I meant what I said...that I survived because of you. Please, Logan. I need you. Please!”

“Shhhh,” Logan said, moving from the chair to bed. “I’m not goin’ nowhere. Not as long as you want me, sweetheart. But I never want to be the cause of your pain. You deserve better than that.”

“You’re not the cause. My own denial is the cause. Now...there’s so much more and I’m tired, Logan. I feel weak and I feel cracked all over. And I hate feeling this way. It makes me angry. It frightens me.”

A little smile touched Logan’s mouth, but didn’t reach his eyes. “Then things are about where they ought ta be. As long as yer angry...as long as yer scared. That just means yer alive inside...that you haven’t gone numb.”

Kurt sat back, but held onto Logan’s hand with one of his. “Sometimes, I wish I was numb. Sometimes, there’s too much feeling. It hurts in my chest and makes it hard to breath.”

“That’s the anxiety. Hank’s got something to help you out on that.”

Kurt refrained from a flinch. “It’s not an injection, is it?”

Logan offered him a sympathetic expression. “Nah, it’s just a little pill and you can take it whenever the panic starts up on you.”

“I can live with that.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way, elf.”