In Fear of Three Little Words

Ah, it's wonderful when the muse is working!! Hope this chapter floats okay. I was bad and didn't have my beta read it over. Sometimes ya just gotta plunge into the stream on your own. Ya know? Sorry for taking so long to post, but the next several chapters should come along fairly quickly now that I got this puppy done. Enjoy!!


Chapter 47


....Footsteps echoed down the long hall and the terror rose up inside of Kurt, filling him up till his entire being was soaked with the horror of this never ending ordeal. Cowering against the floor, shackles holding him down, he waited for thevitavitable, the pain and the helplessness...and the despair consuming all his courage.

The door swung open and Sabertooth stood dwarfing the entryway. The man’s tongue licked at his fangs and strode forward, reaching for Kurt. He flinched away, but had nowhere to go. Sabertooth’s leering face grew huge and the clawed fingers sank into his flesh....

Kurt sat up with a gasp and the edge of a scream still lingered on his lips. He had bitten off the cry, sinking his teeth into his own tongue in the process. The metallic taste of blood washed his mouth and he swallowed hard, nausea rising up and threatening to empty the contents of his stomach.

With effort, Kurt dispelled the nausea and shoved at the dream, yet a residue of filth still sat heavy on his spirit, anxiety taking up residence in place of the nausea. His heart beat wouldn’t quiet, skipping and jumping and refusing to settle down to anything close to normal. And the irrational desire to climb under the bed and hide rolled over him like a tidal wave.

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly, trying to calm the panic. Doing so helped...a little.

Looking around finally, Kurt searched for something to grasp, something of normalcy, but the infirmary just reminded him of what had been done to him and why his body still hurt without pain medication.

After breakfast, he had sent Logan away, the poor man about to go stir crazy inside these four walls. And Hank didn’t need to baby sit him now that he was off the morphine. At least, that’s what he had told them.

Kurt lay back and stared up at the ceiling, listening to his racing heart pounding in his chest, trying with some success to crawl up his throat. He ached from the pain of it, breath still labored and knowing that this feeling that something terrible was about to happen was nothing, but an irrational fear brought on by the anxiety. Yet, he couldn’t make the feeling go away.

Do something!

Kurt threw off his blankets and sat up, slowly sliding off the bed till his feet touched the floor. Weakness still wrapped around him like a cocoon, but he was tired of this filth all over him, tired of his own helplessness.

He could do this.

One slow step at a time, Kurt made for the bathroom, snagging a clean gown on his way. He closed the door behind him, locking it as if afraid Sabertooth might find him here alone and vulnerable.

He sat on the closed tt lit lid, head in his hands and sucked in ragged breaths, now not nearly so certain he’d made a good choice at trying to shower without assistance.

No! He could do this.

He pushed up and forced his body to do what anyone else would starstart the shower. Climbing in, he let the hot spray cascade over him from his filthy hair to his filthy feet.

For a moment, Kurt felt like he was floating, the hot water washing away some of his fears and the panic inside of him. He stood, lulled by the comfort of the heat and closed his eyes. He turned and let the spray slide down his chest, his face turned up like he stood beneath a spring shower on an April day.

The panic again rose up inside of him, but Kurt shoved at it with a hissing curse and grabbed up the shampoo bottle. He washed and rinsed and washed again.

Would this dirty feeling ever leave him...this filth that sank deeper than his skin and hair?

He scrubbed at himself angrily, ignoring the pain of tender skin harshly treated. He felt his body starting to weaken, but Kurt ignored the warning signs, hisic bic building up inside of him.

“Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!” With a fist, Kurt beat the shower wall, tears of rage and terror and shame mixing with the shower’s spray. “Stop it!”

From far away, Kurt heard a voice, concerned and fearful. Rogue’s voice called to him, but she couldn’t reach the despair lodged so deep inside of him. If he couldn’t reach it, why would he think she could?

Kurt slid down the wall, his legs giving out on him. He hunkered beneath the shower’s cascade and sobs broke through, rocking his body. He bowed his head unsure if he should pray to God or curse him for allowing this nightmare to happen.

“Someone make this stop!” he screamed and covered his head with his arms, trying to hide from his own agony of spirit.

He heard the door rattle and heard Logan’s voice calling his name. But Kurt couldn’t find the will to respond.

Oh Logan, I’m sorry. I’ve tried to be strong...but it’s all gone.

The sound of wood shattering reverberated in the small room. The shower’s spray ceased and Kurt felt Logan beside him, a hand sliding over his wet hair.

But Kurt flinched violently away from his lover’s touch. “Don’t! Don’t touch me!”

Logan pulled back as if he’d been shocked.

“Elf. Come on. It’s me.” Logan’s voice was gentle with that usual gruffness just beneath. “Whataya, doin’ here, sweetheart? You weren’t ready to do this by yerself.”

Kurt said nothing. He slowly rocked and the sobs spilled out of him like a dam had been opened.

“Let me help you,” Logan said clbesibeside him. “Please, baby let me help you.”

Kurt just leaned against the wall, folding in on himself further. Shivers swept down his spine and deep shudders rolled out of him with each sob.

“Make it stop!” he cried. “Just...just stop it!”

“Stop what?” Logan’s tone was desperate, trying to understand Kurt’s demands.

But Kurt didn’t know how to tell Logan...that his mind was in such turmoil he couldn’t even put a name to the confusion and the terror banging around inside of his brain.

A vision of Sabertooth reared it’s ugly head, remembered pain at the man’s hands and then the vision changed....the scene inside his mind’s eye turning to Logan, eyes glazed and mouth pulled into a snarl...reaching for him, grabbing hold of him and the rape that followed.

Kurt let out a wordless cry and pulled himself into a ball, his tail banging furiously against the porcelain tub.

“Doc!” Logan yelled.

“Move back, Logan,” came the Professor’s calming voice tinged with urgency.

“But---”

“Move back,” the Professor said gently.

Logan’s presence receded, but that did nothing to calm the tempest that had taken hold of Kurt’s mind and body.

Then the Professor’s voice sounded inside of Kurt’s mind. ‘I’m here with you, Kurt. I see your turmoil. I understand your pain. Let me help you gain control again of the memories and the chaos inside your mind.’

Kurt shuddered inwardly, but let the Professor touch the horror inside of him, helping him solidify his shattered walls. The Professor’s presence soothed Kurt’s ravaged spirit, a balm of peace on his wounded soul.

His mind started to drift, that floating feeling lifting him up as if he were on a cloud of cotton softness. Little by little, the pain faded and the turmoil ceased and Kurt slid into sleep without a thought plaguing his battered mind.


**********************


Logan hovered beside the shower door, his hands balled into fists. His anger rose at his own sense of helplessness in the face of Kurt’s urgent need for relief. But from what? What did Kurt want to stop?

Easy question, you idiot. The kid needs for the pain to stop. For the memories to stop.

He watched with his helplessness wrapped around him like shackles and chains. Nothing, at first, was happening outwardly, but Logan knew Charles was inside Kurt’s mind, trying to calm the turmoil inside the elf’s brain.

After a few long minutes, Kurt started to unwind, his body slowly unfolding, slowly relaxing. His tail had stopped thumpiaddeaddening against the tub then Kurt’s head started falling back in unconsciousness and Logan shot forward, catching Kurt’s head before he banged it on the wall.

Logan lifted Kurt from the shower, cradling his lover against his chest.

“I need towels,” he said, heading for the bed. Gently he lay Kurt out, pulling a blanket over the elf’s nakedness. Rogue was beside him in no time with an arm load of towels.

He sensed Rogue’s need to be of help, catching her eye with a grateful gaze. He saw tears glistening in the girl’s eyes.

“Can you dry his hair some while I work on the rest of him?”

“Yeah. Sure,” she said in a shaking voice and with a gentleness born of love, Rogue tenderly dried her adoptive brother’s hair, carefully wiping the moisture from Kurt’s face and injured neck and shoulders.

When all was done, Logan wrapped Kurt in a blanket and held him while Hank and Rogue changed the bed sheets and blankets.

Charles sat watching them, but his gaze was turned inward and Logan knew Charles had touched the depth of Kurt’s ordeal...not from Trask’s perverted, sadistic point of view, but from the point of view of the victim of torture and rape.

He settled Kurt back in bed, his hand resting on Kurt’s still damp hair, smoothing strands with a tender touch.

Logan sat on the edge of ted aed and turned his attention to Charles. “What just happened?”

Charles was quiet for a moment, gaze still inward. Then with a slight shake of the head, Charles met his gaze. “He became overwhelmed by everything that has happened to him. He had a severe anxiety attack and tried to overcome it...but it overcame him instead.”

“What was he doin’ in the shower?” Logan asked.

Again, Charles was thoughtful before answering. “He wanted to wash off the filth. He couldn’t stand the feeling of being dirty any longer...and he needed to try to do something for himself. Unfortunately, the anxiety triggered an overload. His mind became confused what with his ordeal and the painkillers. He’s in a weakened state and he simply could not defend himself against the overwhelming emotional turmoil that rose with the anxiety attack.”

Charles’ troubled expression worried Logan. Was there something else the Doc wasn’t telling him?

“Wha hol holdin’ back, Doc?” Logan asked.

Charles’ gaze flicked over to Rogue. “Rogue, would you please give us a moment?”

Rogue stood on the other side of the bed. She folded her arms against her chest and a stubborn expression crossed her features and stayed there.

“Isn’t it time we all stopped pretendin’ that anything in this place is a secret? You think we don’t understand what happened...with Logan and Kurt that first time Trask snatched them?”

Logan’s heart gave a hard thump and he closed his eyes.

Time to face the music.

“What exactly do you think you know, Rogue?” Charles asked.

“I know Logan hurt Kurt. That Logan couldn’t help hisself cause he was drugged. Kitty and I talked the other night before she left for the holiday. We put a lot together. We’re not dumb and we’re old enough to understand that two people don’t just get together like Kurt and Logan did unless somethin’ serious happened. We think Logan was forced ta...ta...” Her gaze moved to Logan and he met it, battling the desire to flinch from her scrutiny. But her gaze was soft and caring...understanding even. “You were forced to rape Kurt, weren’t you?” she said.

Logan felt as though his heart had been ripped out and set on fire, his shame burning him, but he nodded. “Yeah. You’ve figured everything right, Rogue. You and Kitty. And probably everybody else.”

Rogue gave her own nod. “And I know Kurt don’t blame you for any of it,” Rogue continued. “He wouldn’t be with you if he did.”

She turned back to Charles. “But maybe when you were inside Kurt’s head while ago, you saw somethin’...maybe somethin’ Kurt couldn’t hide. Is that what you want ta talk ta Logan about?”

With admiration and sadness, Charles stared at Rogue. “All of you have grown up so much. All of you have grown in ways I had only hoped for and dreamed of. And in some ways I w hav have never wished upon you for anything on earth.” Charles looked down at his lap then back up again, focusing his attention on Logan. “Kurt was having trouble sorting out the two ordeals. They were mixing and melding, his ordeal with Sabertooth reminding him of what happened between the two of you, Logan.”

Logan let out a held breath, despair trying to lock on and get it’s claws into him. They couldn’t get beyond one ordeal before another made everything worse.

“What if he casepaseparate them?” Logan choked out. “What if----”

“He can, Logan. He does,” Charles stated with emphasis. “Kurt knows the difference between what happened between you and him and what happened with Sabertooth. The confusion was brought on by the severity of his anxiety. Time will heal.”

Logan didn’t meet Charles’ gaze, but he nodded and turned his attention back to Kurt. Charles’ hand on his arm brought him back from his own memories.

“Kurt should wake in a little while and Hank will have something for him that he can take when one of these attacks threatens.”

“Good,” was all Logan could think to say.

“Do not think that Kurt doesn’t need you, Logan or that your presence is in any way detrimental to his health because of this one event,” Charles said, forcing Logan to look at him with a thought. “I can’t emphasis that enough. In spite of everything, he knows that you love him and he knows that you’d do anything to help him. He is a strong young man who has been weakened by a terrible ordeal. Understand that and heal as Kurt heals, my friend. Embrace the love you two have found. It’s too late to doubt now.”