Running to Stand Still

She celebrated her 18th birthday that spring in April, only 11 months after her arrival at the school. All her friends showed up (hell, pretty much the whole school showed up) to celebrate with her and to give her small gifts.

Kitty and Jubilee had gotten together to buy her a silver rose they’d seen at the mall. St. John Bob Bobby’s gift was a crystal ice flow with little black penguins on it. Rogue bought her a necklace, a green stone in the shape of a heart.

But it was Logan’s gift that surprised and delighted her the most. It was a woman, carved from a dark, shining wood. The figure was obviously a fairy, wings stretching from her back. Her long haas tas twined about her body, eyes closed and face upturned in an expression of pure joy.

Logan’s dark eyes watched Kat as she opened the box and took out the figure; the look on her face more than made his day.

She looked at him in surprise. “Where’d you get it, Logan? It’s beautiful!”

He grunted. “I carved it on my own out of a piece of wood that I found by the lake.” His voice was soft as he reached out to touch Kat; he thought better of the gesture and gently tou one one of the figure’s wings. “I wasn’t sure what I was going to do with it, but she kind of appeared out of the wood, like that’s what it was for.”

Kat bit her lower lip, eyes stinging a little. That was the longest speech she’d ever gotten from Logan, and the effort was well worth it. She stood on tiptoe and kissed his cheek. “It’s wonderful, I’ve never gotten anything like it.” She was even more surprised when, as he turned to leave, he bent down and kissed the top of her head.

“Happy birthday, darlin’.”

She stared after him, an odd smile on her lips as she was led to see the birthday cake made for her. “Happy Birthday Katherine” was written a bit squiggly (Jubilee’s contribution to the cake), and Bobby had made ice roses that sat around it on the plate.

St. John created a flame from the tip of his finger and lit the candles, all 18 of them. “Make a wish, Kat.”

Kat looked around at all her friends; her fellow students, her teachers, and Professor Xavier meant the world to her. With a smile, she closed her eyes and blew out the candles.

“What’d ya wish for?” Jubilee asked, bouncing at Kat’s elbow.

“If I told you, then it wouldn’t come true,” Kat replied.

She stayed among her friends for a little while, curling up on the couch to watch the latest episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, every once in a while looking over her shoulder as if she expected someone to be there.

After taking her gifts up to her room, she went back downstairs and followed the trail out to the lake, where she found him sitting cross-legged, face turned towards the setting sun.

“Hey,” she said softly, sitting down next to him. “You missed the cake.”

Logan grunted. “I hate cake, it’s too sweet. It’s like eating straight sugar.”

Kat laughed. “I used to eat straight sugar, when I was little. Still do, if the mood hits me.”

“No wonder you’re so hyper all the time,” Logan commented.

She poked him in the side, causing him to open his eyes and look at her. “There’thinthing wrong with being hyper, but if youe are around me enough you’d notice that I’m only that energetic when I’m with my friends.” She dropped her gaze from his, fingers idly drawing designs in the sand.

He watched her for a moment, feeling some faint tug on his heart. He’d always been a loner, someone who could keep to himself and never feel any loss for it, but being with her made him want things he’d never thought he could have.

Granted, she was barely 18, but there was something inside her that called out to him, made him wonder if maybe he wasn’t as alone as he thought.

He reached out tentatively and put his arm around her shoulder, pulling her in close so that her head rested on the upper swell of his chest. His hand moved instinctively to her hair, running his fingers through it.

Kat stiffened slightly when he touched her, then moved into his embrace, feeling like she belonged there. Her hand dropped onto his knee, playing idly with a rip that was forming there in his jeans.

“Did you have a good birthday, darlin’?” he asked softly.

“It was the best ever. Hell, I think it’s the first party I’ve had in years. My stepdad wasn’t too keen on loud, obnoxious teenagers in the house.”

He chuckled. "He ain't seen nothin' yet," he said, his head nodding towards the woods in the direction of the mansion. "It's enough to drive a crazy man sane sometimes."

She tilted her head slightly, moving so that she could see his face. "Do you ever wish you could just leave here?" she asked seriously.

A few moments passed before he answered. "Sometimes, I do, just because I don't remember what it was like to have a family. Everything around here is so goddamned close-knit, like you can't walk five feet without seeing a good deed, and it's all cozy. I don't know what that's like.

"I think the only reason I stay sometimes is because of the X-Men, and the way I can go on missions and kick some ass for the good of society." He snorted derisively. "Whatever that means. But other times …"

Logan's hand stilled on her hair for a moment, his free hand moving up to tuck a long strand behind her ear. "Other times, I see that maybe I belong here, that maybe the home I've always wanted is right in front of my face and I'm just too blind to notice it."

Kat smiled. "Yeah, I think I know what you mean." Her hand stilled aed along his knee, pulling at the loose threads of his jeans. She could feel his skin beneath her fingers, smooth beneath the dark, wiry hairs that sprang up on his legs. "Before I came here, I --" She paused for a moment, long lashes fluttering down to hide her eyes.

"I used to live with my grandparents, when I was little. It was me and my mom, with my grandparents and my three aunts, in a huge house orthorthern Alberta. My was was gone before I was born; my mom was only eighteen when she had me.

"When I was eight, she married this guy, Jonathan, and I hated him from the beginning."

"Why'd you hate him?" Logan asked, his fingers once again combing through her hair. "Was it somethin' he did to you?"

She shook her head. "Nothing specific, just that he punished me for every little thing he could think of, and even some things that I think he made up. I had always felt like something wasn't quite right with him, even from the first time I'd met him. And then he started getting really affectionate with me." She coughed softly, trying to hide the fact that tears were forming in her eyes.

Logan lifted her chin so that he could see her face. "Listen, darlin', you don't have to tell me any more if you don'nt tnt to."

Kat shook her head again. "No, I think it's something I have to tell you. I feel like I need you to know."

He brushed a tear away even as it fell down her pale cheek. "Go on, then. I'm listenin'."

She took a deep breath before beginning again. "Like I said, he got really affectionate with me, touching me and stuff. It wasn't really bad until I was about 12 or so, and my body started changing from a girl's to a woman's. He only did it when my mom wasn't around, cos I know she would have stopped him.

"I don't really remember the first time he drugged me, because I didn't realize that I'd been drugged to begin with. I just remember waking up and feeling like something wasn't right. He didn't try anything major that first time, but the second time …" Kat's hand tightened on his knee; Logan dropped his other hand onto hers, lending her silent comfort.

Her voice shook a bit. "He raped me. I think that maybe the healing part of my mutation was beginning to develop then, because the sleeping pills he was drugging me with didn't work right. I was mostly uscioscious, but I had moments where I knew what was going on.

"It happened maybe once every other month, up until the time I was 16. I wonder sometimes how no one noticed; I was so sick and thin that it should have been obvious. And then, the last time he ever touched me …" She let out a choked sob. "I killed him. My powers manifested and I killed him. I came here a little over a year later."

"Oh, darlin'." Logan gentlyokedoked her hair as he brought her into his arms, letting her cry her pain out. He could feel his claws itching to release. "He's gone now, Kat, and even if he wasn't, I'd hunt his ass down and rip him into pieces."

Kat stiffened in his arms. She pulled away slightly to look at his face. "You're just saying that because of what he did."

Logan shook his head. "No, darlin', I'm sayin' that cos he hurt one of the most beautiful creas ons on earth, and no man should be allowed to commit that crime."

She stared at him, eyes wide and glittering with tears. "Do you mean that?"

He smiled softly. "I mean it, darlin'. Anyone who hurts you is gonna have to go through me." He was almost as surprised as she was that he'd said it; she watched him with big green eyes, a shy smile trying to curve her trembling lips. "I'm the best at what I do."

She laughed a bit shakily. "So I've noticed." She settled back into his embrace, watching the way the dying sun created shadows around them. She could feel the tension run out of his arms as they held her, subsiding into a contained sort of awareness that shubteubted he even noticed anymore. It was just a part of him, like the claws and the adamantium skeleton.

Logan sighed when the last of the sun melted down below the trees, leaving them in twilight and silence, perfectly in tandem with the forest at their backs. He smiled as Kat turned and nuzzled hece ice into his neck; his hand slid to her back to rub in lazy circles that caused her to make this sort of snuffling noise, almost sounding like a dog trying to make itself comfortable. The smile turned to a grin.

Kat's hands slid around Logan's sides, coming to rest on his broad back. She ran her fingers up and down the taut muscles, laughing softly when his arms tightened slightly around her. She could feel the warmth coming off of him, seeping into her perpetually cold body until she felt like she was burning.

He pulled away suddenly, holding her at arm's length, hazel eyes gone dark with confusion and desire. He acutely heard her sharp intake of breath, saw the blush creep up from her neck to wash over her face, her teeth trapping her lower lip.

Before she knew what happened, he was on his feet, looking down at her. "Logan?" she asked softly.

"I'm sorry, Kat, I didn't mean to …"

"Mean to what?" She got to her feet, brushing the sand from her jeans. Instead of backing away from him as he'd expected, she took a few steps towards hgreegreen eyes nearly glowing in the rising moonlight. "What happened, Logan?"

The self-proclaimed wild-man growled softly. "After everything you were just tellin' me, I was holdin' you in my arms, and you smelled so good." He shook his head, another growl emanating from his lips. "I never thought I'd feel so disgusted in my life."

Kat stumbled back a few feet. God, how often had she worried that if people knew about her, they'd feel disgusted by her? How many times had she worried that people, most likely men, would think of her as damaged goods? "I can understand that you'd feel that way." She couldn't believe she was accepting his disgust, but the part of her that was still hurting wanted nothing more than to do just that. She deserved his loathing.

She turned and ran back through the forest, eyes tear-blinded, but she threw herself through the trees as if she knew where each branch or root was. Her power was activated, her magic seeking safe passage for her unknowing body.

The mansion came into view, a dark, hulking beast with lighted windows for eyes. Kat sprinted the last few feet and almost flew through the front door. Her momentum carried her into Scott, who called after her even as she moved past him and towards the elevator that led to the Danger Room in the bowels of the mansion.

The elevator couldn't move fast enough for her; she paced the small confines restlessly, letting out a growl of trattration as the doors opened. She ran into Hank McCoy as she passed the medbay, but he didn't seem inclined to stop and and inquire as to her current mental state.

The Danger Room was blessedly empty. She'd been half-afraid that someone would be using it and she'd have to go and destroy the equipment in the gym again. She slipped inside the anteroom, stripping off her clothes in favor of a more form-fitting uniform of black pants and a halter-top. She fished in the back of her cubicle for a hair elastic to catch her long hair in; it had grown to mid-back since she'd come to the Institute.

"Computer," she called out as she entered the empty Danger Room, "execute program Maximus Beta Chi. Add in Kat's Mix, starting with the first track."

The room seemed to shimmer as it changed into a dojo, a mat covering most of the floor. She padded barefoot over to it and began her stretches, long legs spread slightly as she reached her arms high, then slowly brought them down again until her palms were flat on the floor.

She dropped to the mat in a V-sit, touching her nose to each knee and feeling the wonderful pull of muscles at the backs of her thighs. When she felt warmed up and ready, she bounced easily to her feet. "Computer, Level One Opponent. Safety off." A female hologram appeared before her, dropping into a fighter's crouch. "Begin music."

Kat bowed to her opponent and then launched herself at the holo as a gravel-worn voice led led from the speakers in German, spitting out the words "You hate me."

The holo took the blow easily, turning into it and using Kat's momentum to bring her onto the ground. Kat kicked up and caught the holo in the chin with a boot heel, simulated blood flying from the holo's mouth. The holo went down and didn't get back up.

Kat cursed. "Computer, Level Four Opponent. Safety off." She watched as the body shimmered away to be replaced by a male holo who looked too much like her stepfather to be mere coincidence. "Advance music to track six."

A more mellow song came on as she began to circle her new opponent, the sounds of battle surrounding her from the speakers. Neither one attacked until the guitar began, mournful but angry, determined.

The holo made the first move, a roundhouse that moved for Kat's midsection and changed into a tornado kick at the last second. She'd brought her own leg up in defense of the roundhouse and took the brunt of the kick in the knee; she heard a crunching noise and cried out, not feeling the pain at first because of the shock of the blow. She hit the floor, shouting, "Computer, end program!"

The dojo shimmered and disappeared, the music cutting off abruptly as the room restored itself to its natural stark whiteness. "Son of a fucking bitch," Kat swore as she tried to get to her feet. She stumbled and had to catch herself hard on the palms of her hands. Pain was beginning to radiate from her knee and gentle probing with her fingers confirmed her suspicions that it was shattered. "This day couldn't get any fucking worse," she whispered as tears began streaming silently down her face.

"Computer, locate Dr. McCoy."

There was a chirp, and then the pseudo-voice of the computer said, "Dr. McCoy is currently in the medical bay."

"Page him, tell him to go to the Danger Room."

"Acknowledged."

Kat sat down hard on her butt, wiping hard across her face as the doors opened and the blue-furred doctor came in. "Kat, are you alright?"

"Do I look alright, Hank?" she asked testily. "God, I'm sorry," she apologized as he kneeled next to her and lifted her easily in his arms. "I didn't mean to snap at you, Hank, I just …it really hurts." Not physically, it's something you can't heal by medical means.

He carried her to the medbay and set her down on a bed underneath the body-scanner. "Normally," he told her, his tone conversational, "I'd just take an X-ray, but this is much quicker. Lay as flat as you can."

She caught her breath as the machine came up over her and enclosed her completely, the lights coming on as the scan began. She heard Hank making sympathetic noises as the machine came back down.

"I'm afraid you've shattered your patella, my dear," he said. He was in the middle of informing her that surgery was in order, when the door to the medbay slid open and Logan stood there.

"What happened?" he asked, almost stalking over to the bed Kat lay on.

"I'm fine, Logan. Go away," she replied softly, cringing as Hank gently probed the wounded knee.

He looked to the doctor. "Hank?"

"Patient confidentiality, my friend. If Kat doesn't want you present, I have to ask you leave." Despite the words, the blue furry doctor's tone was apologetic. He could see the concern Logan had for the girl.

Logan looked sharply at Kat, confusion in his eyes. doesdoesn't she want me here? He wondered if it had anything to do with their conversation by the lake.

"Please, Logan," she whispered. "Just go." She looked away from him, listening as he walked out. She looked to Hank. "Do the surgery now."

"As you wish."