In Fear of Three Little Words

Chapter 32


Logan drove till two in the morning, heading for the coast. The overcast night offered nothing, but that same emptiness he felt inside. A road side motel came into view and he wheeled in, mildly surprised it was open after season.

The room was clean and nothing fancy, basic cable the most frivolous accommodation. He thought of taking a shower than gave up the thought, undressed and climbed into bed. He flipped channels, trying to distract himself from the reasons he was lying in a two bit motel room, miles from home...miles from the warm embrace of his lover.

He’d been a complete shit, treating Kurt like he was just a quick fuck, someone to toss away after being used. No wonder the kid felt dirty. He had done that to Kurt. Him and his fear of three little words.

But those words held such power and Logan didn’t know if he was up to wielding such power as that. Yet, his fear had done more damage than the utterance of those words might have done.

Logan let out a frustrated growl. He just wasn’t ready. He cared for Kurt, probably more than anyone he’d ever cared for. But saying those words was like sealing a door, inflexibly final.

Would Kurt be willing to wait for him? Yeah, the elf would wait, maybe longer than he should. The kid deserved better than that, yet Kurt seemed content with whatever Logan gave him whether time or affection or harsh words that still burned on Logan’s tongue like acid.

And all Kurt had asked in return was simple love.

I’m not ready.

Logan shut off the television and rolled to his side, trying to get comfortable. Images flashed through his head, thoughts of Kurt at the forefront reminding Logan of all they’d been through and how he’d made the first advances towards relationship once they’d escaped Trask’s clutches. He’d started it, but Kurt had taken it to the next level with such ease of mind and eagerness of body.

Daylight creased the sky and still Logan had not slept. He stared up at the ceiling, lost in memories and dreams, desires and fears.

Rising, Logan grabbed a shower and hit the road once more, just driving along the coastal highway, running north as if something was there for him when all that meant anything lay back the way he came.

He stopped at a diner for breakfast, sipping coffee and reading the newspaper, but his mind wasn’t on the day’s headlines. His thoughts kept wandering back to the Institute, wondering what Kurt was doing and who was running the morning’s training session. Forcing back the errant thoughts, Logan ate then threw down a twenty without waiting for change.

The Jeep ate up mile after mile until a park came into view with a shoreline just beyond the trees. Logan wheeled into the empty parking lot and climbed out. A brisk ocean wind swept his hair back, the smell of salt cleansing his senses. He walked down to the water’s edge, the waves crashing up over his boots and washing away again.

A vast expanse of emptiness lay before him and for a moment Logan wanted the ocean to cleanse him free of the conflicting feelings built up inside of him, complicating his life. He swallowed down the pain lodged in his throat and knew that complication was of his own making. He was the one who couldn’t manage three little words that would have been a gift to his young lover. But in his selfishness and fear, he had refused the one thing Kurt had the right to expect.

“Love,” Logan muttered. “Damned four letter word.”

He sighed and began walking down the shore, hands stuffed into his pockets, boots kicking out at rocks and shells. He walked until the cold penetrated his leather jacket ans fas face felt raw from the sting of wind and salt spray. The walk back did little to resolve his turmoil and he climbed back into his Jeep and went looking for a bar to warm up in.

The place was just better than a dive, long dark wooden bar and few tables and chairs and two pool tables. The late afternoon hadn’t brought in many people and Logan ordered a beer at the bar and carried it to a corner table, putting his back against a solid wall. He guzzled half the content then sat back and absently watched the television sitting above the bar. It droned on about some college football game, not enough to distract him from his thoughts.

Logan tried to remember if there had ever been anyone he cared about before Kurt. Surely, there had, but so much of his life was closed off to him, whether by accident or deliberate intent, he might never know, but what if there had been someone he’d loved once?

Where was she now? What did she think had happened to him?

But he knew nothing for certain. Maybe there had never been anyone and this was his chance for love. Ae wae was blowing it big time.

He shook his head absently and drained his beer.

“Another?”

Logan shot up a sharp glance. A woman stood there, early twenties, blond and pretty. She smiled down at him and raised her eyebrows.

“Another beer, mister? Or maybe something else? Burger...fries? We’ve got some specials too, but you can’t beat Al’s burgers.”

Logan took a deep breath and let it out, smelling her perfume and the scent of her shampoo.

“Yeah, another Miller and one of those burgers. Thanks.”

“Anytime,” she said with a wink and strolled away. She had a nice walk, long legs encased in tight jeans, cowboy boots clicking on the floor. She sauntered back with his beer and Logan couldn’t help noticing her bare midriff, bellybutton pierced with a ring. She leaned in close and set his beer down before him. “Haven’t seen you in here before. New in town?”

“Just passin’ through.”

“That your Jeep out there?”

“Yeah.”

“Nice.”

She sauntered away, glancing behind her to see if he was watching.

Logan forced his gaze up to the television and slugged down half his beer.

She came again, with his burger and a third beer and this time, instead of leaving, she settled down across from him and smiled her pretty white-toothed smile.

“You know, you’re kinda cute. Real strong. I like strong men. I’m Patti O’Neal. What’s your name?”

He eyed her, thinking her way too young to be working bars and men like him. “Logan.” He bit into his burger and tried to ignore her watching him.

“Logan. I like that. Goes with the Jeep.”

“Hmmm.” He ate while she jabbered on about taking classes at the local community college and how she’d done some modeling, but wasn’t sure what she wanted to do with her life.

Great. Come into a bar for a quiet drink and end up with Chatty Cathy.

Logan downed the rest of his beer and wiped his mouth.

“So you up for some company tonight, Logan? I bet we could have a real good time together.” She leaned in again and her low cut shirt showed way too much cleavage. Her leg moved down his suggestively.

Too tempting. Pretty blond, all legs and breasts, too stupid to know not to mess with men she didn’t know.

She reached out with a slender hand, nails painted a maroon and traced her fingers over his wrist and hand. Her scent wafted over to him again and her femininity almost overwhelmed him.

It would be so easy to lay with this girl and forget his commitment to Kurt. Forget the words his lover had said to him only a night ago before he’d run from the truth.

He wasn’t ready to say those words. Not even now. But he wasn’t ready to throw away what he and Kurt were building either.

“Don’t think so,” he said and pulled his hand back, reaching for his wallet.

She looked stunned and chewed her lip. “Why not? Aren’t I good enough for you?”

“Don’t make somethin’ out of nothin’, sister. I’ve got someone at home and he don’t like sharin’.”

She sat back, even more stunned than before.

He rose, chair scrapping back and dropped some money on the table. “That should cover everything.” Logan gave the girl a wink and made for the door.