One Man's Worth (previously Where there's a Will)

* Hey gang! I got hit with some muse dust and cranked this one out early!  It may get edited later if I find mistakes. Have fun, and remember to review!*

 

When Steve began training it was obvious he stuck out.  The other men stood head and shoulders taller, their muscles bulged, and Steve felt horribly out manned.  The drills were harder for him. Where his bunk mates would scale rope walls and leap hurdles, Steve seemed to fall, stumble and invariably end up in the mud.  There was always mud.  The other privates made it clear he did not belong, that they hoped he washed out.  One in particular, Hodge, tormented him.  From stealing his clothes while Steve was in the showers to breaking the post that held the barbed wire just inches from Steve’s head during an evaluation drill, Hodge went out of his way to make Steve miserable.  Whispers surrounded him, always low enough that the sergeants could claim they hadn’t heard them.  The worst were the accusations that Steve went the wrong way, sexually.  They cut the deepest because he knew in his heart it was true, that he was in love with Bucky.  He felt sick in his gut, from knowing that if anyone found out, not only would he be declared insane and immoral, but Bucky might get hit with it too.  He really didn’t want Bucky to endure the bullying.  Bucky had never been bullied before, he was too popular.  He had no idea what it was like, and more than once offered Steve the most useless advice.  He wouldn’t last a day under the pressure of what Steve dealt with constantly.  It was odd and uncomfortable to think that his hero might be weaker than him in some ways.

Boot Camp was beginning to make changes in all the men. The others were getting stronger and faster and more obedient.  Steve was getting tougher and smarter.  He had to learn toughness just to handle Hodge and his buddies, physically to endure the “accidents” that happened when Steve was around, mentally to endure the whispers and jokes and thinly veiled accusations, and spiritually he had to make peace with his desires, to find a way to love himself, while still loving Bucky.  Steve was not progressing any slower than the others physically, but his starting line was really far back.  So he had to compensate.  He read all the books, he thought about the way the Nazis were spreading across the world like a disease, like the TB that killed his mom.  He thought about how you fight diseases, and how that could be applied on the ground.  He was particularly proud the day he got the flag none of the larger men could.  He knew the pole was too tall and slick to climb, so he didn’t try.  When the others gave up, he popped the lock on the base that kept the pole vertical.  With the flag at ground level it was easy to get.  He felt a rush of smug pride as he climbed into the car with Agent Carter.

He did manage to make some friends.  Peggy Carter was in charge of many of the training sessions, so he had to treat her with the respect a private in the army gives someone of superior rank.  But he also felt compelled to treat her with the respect a gentleman gives a lady.  His mom may have died young, but he still knew that was just what you did.  After they interacted, even just a gear inspection, she furrowed her brow just a bit.  It was the same expression she got when trying to solve a puzzle.  Hodge remained a thorn in Steve’s side, and it became fairly clear he was intent on staying that way.  After an incident with a dummy grenade, most of the other men backed off.  Their reasoning behind the retreat was that a guy who would dive on to a grenade to save the lives of people who tormented him was either: a. just plain crazy or b. insanely noble.  Either way, poking fun at him was now a bad idea.  Only Hodge was persistent, primarily because after that, the rumor was he and Steve were the last two in the running to be picked at the end of the week for the first trial of the project Erskine was working on. 

Once talking to him couldn’t get anyone else targeted, Steve made a connection with another private, Dalfon Berkowitz.  Dalfon was interested in art, much like Steve, but he preferred sculpting.  Berkowitz was hesitant to talk about his hobby, because it wasn’t very masculine.  He was very large and strong, from being a stock boy at his family’s butcher shop, but he was naturally peaceful and wanted to avoid conflict, which led to many of the same rumors that once circled Steve, although in this case, they were untrue.  The only reason he enlisted was because his mother insisted he go help their people.  “It's my name, you see, dalfon means raindrop in Hebrew.   And my mother has always told me that even a raindrop can tilt a scale.  You can’t ever tell what one man is worth.”  Steve understood his problem. It was the exact opposite of Steve’s problem.  Dalfon had the body to fight, but not the motivation and conviction.  Steve wanted to fight, to stand up to bullies; he felt righteous anger when he read the info packets reporting the anti-Semitic laws and the racial cleansing.  Only, Steve’s body would never survive combat.  Steve knew his physical limits weren’t high enough.  He was the weak link.

It is no wonder, then, that Steve had the living daylights surprised out of him when he was selected to be the first to receive the super-soldier serum.  Given the General’s opinion of him, which was no secret, Steve thought Gilmore Hodge would get it.  Dr. Erskine came to him the night before the procedure, and Steve had just one question he had to ask “Why me?”

“I suppose that's the only question that matters.” Doctor Erskine nodded, as if approving of the line of thought Steve was on.  The man had already given Steve more than he had ever hoped for, and tomorrow would give Steve something beyond his wildest dreams, and he approved of him!  Steve’s carefully hidden delight was interrupted by a bit of a non-sequitur that Dr. Erskine used as an ice breaker.

              He displayed a bottle of schnapps, as if it were a precious and irreplaceable item. “This is from Augsburg, my city. So many people forget that the first country the Nazis invaded was their own. You know, after the last war, they... My people struggled. They... they felt weak... they felt small. Then Hitler comes along with the marching, and the big show, and the flags, and the,” Erskine made a gesture that was clearly a disrespectful parody of the German salute “And he... he hears of me, and my work, and he finds me, and he says "You." He says "You will make us strong." Well, I am not interested. So he sends the head of Hydra, his research division, a brilliant scientist by the name of Johann Schmidt. Now Schmidt is a member of the inner circle and he is ambitious. He and Hitler share a passion for occult power and Teutonic myth. Hitler uses his fantasies to inspire his followers, but for Schmidt, it is not fantasy. For him, it is real. He has become convinced that there is a great power hidden in the earth, left here by the gods, waiting to be seized by a superior man. So when he hears about my formula and what it can do, he cannot resist. Schmidt must become that superior man.” The vibrant personality of the Doctor seemed to have drained out of him as if telling the story unburdened him of his strength as well as his conscience.

For the first time Steve noticed that Erskine was in fact elderly.  He felt shame at not seeing it before, and felt the sharp pain of not just wanting, but needing the procedure to work so he could be worthy of the affection of two men he loved above all others.  He wanted Bucky to love him, and he wanted to make Dr. Erskine proud.  He now had another question, “Did it make him stronger? “

With slight hesitancy the answer came carefully so as not to startle; “Jah, but... there were other... effects. The serum was not ready. But more important, the man. The serum amplifies everything that is inside, so good becomes great; bad becomes worse. This is why you were chosen. Because the strong man who has known power all his life, may lose respect for that power, but a weak man knows the value of strength, and knows... compassion.”

Hearing he had be chosen for weakness stung.  He knew he was the weak link, and apparently so did the one man on base he wanted to approve of him. Saddened he said, “Thanks. I think”.

Steve was slipping away mentally; it was a strategy he developed initially to cope with physical pa, but it also helped to deal with the insults and rumors, when something hurt him, it triggered the defense mechanism, leaving him to go through the motions.  So he barely heard Dr. Erskine’s voice instruct him, “Whatever happens tomorrow, you must promise me one thing. That you will stay who you are, not a perfect soldier, but a good man”. Feeling much better as he went to sleep, he wondered if he could request to be in the 107 with Bucky.