Running to Stand Still

Six months found Kat falling into a comfortable routine. She shared most of her classes with Kitty and Rogue, enabling them to spend nearly the whole day together.

But her nightmares were suddenly getting worse. She'd wake up in a cold sweat and nothing could calm her down except for a session in the Danger Room followed by a hot shower. Bobby and St. John spent most of their time watching out for her, while Kitty and Rogue did their best to keep her comfortable.

Professor Xavier grew increasingly worried about her health, both mental and physical, watching her body shrink from 120 pounds to 100, not good for her height of 5'4". Her grades started slipping as well, though they hadn't been stellar to begin with.

And so it was that Kat crossed paths with Logan again. It seemed that he had his own problems with nightmares and had taken to meditation. Xavier talked him into teaching her what he knew, hoping that it would help her to sleep.

The first session was nerve-wracking for Kat. She trusted Xavier's judgement, but she didn't know Logan very well and therefore didn't trust him. They spent the hour arguing, followed by pummeling holo-figures together in the Danger Room.

They kept this pattern up for about a week, meeting every night, and it ended the same way. By the second week Kat was more tired than she'd ever been and just sat in front of him.

Logan watched her wearily, wondering if she'd try to beat the crap out of him again. For such a small girl she packed quite a punch; when he asked how she'd learned it, she simply replied, "Necessity."

They sat cross-legged across from each other, a ring of candles surrounding them on the gym floor. Logan had turned the heat up after seeing her shiver upon entering; now, the large room was suitably warm. He took off his flannel shirt, leaving him in a white T-shirt and jeans. He was barefoot.

Kat was in her usual outfit, nearly matching Logan's, but she kept the flannel and her socks on while she waited for her body to warm up.

"Ok, it's like this. Relax your body." Logan rolled his shoulders and placed his hands palm up on his knees, loose and open. "Now close your eyes, let your thoughts go, and find a place inside you that's calm." He did as he'd told her to, and after a moment she followed suit.

The first few times she didn't get it. Her thoughts kept creeping back in, making her agitated and restless. Logan figured it would go away, but after a week nothing had changed.

He caught her at dinner, sliding his tray onto the table next to hers. "About tonight, I don't know how you feel about it, but why don't we try someplace more private? Would you be okay in my room with me?"

Kat mulled it over while she took a sip of her milk. "Um, I guess it's worth a try. Same time?"

Logan nodded. "Same time. I'll see you then." He didn't talk to her any more, instead digging into his plate piled high with food.

She shook her head, smiling.

She had a couple of hours before her session with Logan and spent the time trying to teach Bobby some tae kwan do, which was nearly hopeless. He didn’t have any grace or finesse. They collapsed giggling on the mats in the gym until it was time for Kat to go.

Her stomach was roiling on the way up the stairs to the teachers' wing, and the hallway seemed to never end. Logan's room was on the far end; she knocked softly, her hands trembling slightly.

The door opened and revealed Logan, wearing jeans and a white T-shirt. Kat wondered briefly if he ever wore anything else. Hell, at least he had a shirt on. "C'mon in, darlin'."

Kat nodded and took a step forward, glancing around at the very few furnishings in the room. His bed had a scattering of pillows and a tangle of sheets, having obviously not made it after sleeping in it. His desk was bare save for a small wooden box. Other than that, it was spartan and surprisingly clean. Kat could smell the faint scent of leather and cigars.

"Let's get started," he said, gesturing to the floor where it raised up a few inches near the window in a sort of platform. He had the candles lit, one at each corner of a square, the smell of roses and hyacinths making the air sweet.

Logan sat down cross-legged and gestured for her to join him. When she went to sit down, he shook his head. "No, with your back to me. I want to see if not having me in front of you helps."

She swallowed hard and stared at him for a few moments, then sank down in front of him, her body tight and rigid. She hated having people at her back.

He immediately smelled her fear and a sort of alertness and reached out to touch her; he found himself sprawled in a heap against the wall, Kat on her feet, her eyes flames of black.

"Kat?" he asked, getting to his feet. He hadn't seen her move or felt him hit her; the impact wasn't too bad, his adamantbonebones taking most of the stress.

She stared at him, black eyes wide and fearful. "Oh, God, I'm so sorry. I'll go, I shouldn't--"

Logan caught her before she could leave. "Hey, I'm fine, you didn't hurt me." He watched her eyes bleed back to green. "What was that all about?"

"It was my power, my magic." Kat searched his face. "Are you sure I didn't hurt you?"

"Not a scratch," he assured her. "Sit at the desk, I'll sit on the bed."

Kat nodded and sat in the chair. "I wasn't expecting you to touch me, I--" She played nervously with her ring, not looking at him. "It's a reflexive action, after my stepfather."

Logan frowned, not quite following. "What's your stepfather got to do with this?"

"He abused me for five years, and it's just a reaction I have that I don't want people to touch me. It makes me feel --"

"Hunted?"

She looked up at him.

"I can understand the feeling." He flexed his hands and the claws sprang out with a metallic sound. "The people who gave me these, they wiped my memory after grafting adamantium to my skeleton. I have nightmares about it, about them standing over me, cutting into me …" He caught her gaze and smiled slightly. "I can imagine that youghtmghtmares are just as bad as mine."

She nodded. "In their own right, I guess they are. It's like, you can never remember, in your waking hours, what happened, but the memories are always at the surface waiting for you to close your eyes."

"Chuck was crazy puttin' us together, y'know."

"Why's that?"

Logan chuckled. "We've both got some major issues in our pasts, things that haunt us, and he put us together hopin' that we'd build each other back up."

Kat managed a smile. "Ca giv give it another try?"

"O'course, let's just get settled again." They sat in the same positions as before, Kat a little more relaxed than before. Their tentative sharing had eased her fears somewhat, but she could still feel the tenseness in her muscles.

"Can I ask you something real quick?" Logan said.

"Go ahead."

"When you hit me with your power …does it always feel like a physical blow?"

Kat shrugged. "As far as I know. I've never been hit with it."

She couldn't see him smile. "Ok, now close your eyes and relax. Count your breathing, in with four, out with six, just take your time…" Logan's voice became a soothing buzz in her mind, the scented candles taking her away from the darkened room and into a place of childhood memory.

She was with her grandma, listening to her read from her favorite series of books, The Chronicles of Narnia. They were in the window seat in the kitchen, the old woodstove warming the room against the Canadian winter. Her grandpa was sitting at the kitchen table reading the paper.

Then the memory skipped ahead seven years, and her stepfather was there.

Kat cried out, trying to break the trance she had fallen into and finding that she couldn't. She sobbed, balled up in a corner, trying to get away from him.

Logan reacted quickly, gathering the girl in his arms and pulling her over to the window, opening it one-handed. A cold blast of air hit them both and blew the candles out. Kat came to, gasping from the harsh winter air.

"Shh, Kat, it's ok darlin'," Logan whispered to her, keeping her cradled in his arms. Kat buried her face in his shoulder and cried the pain out. He rubbed his hand on her back in soothing circles, feeling seriously uncomfortable with her clinginghim him but somehow knowing that she needed someone to just hold her like this.

When the tears subsided and she could talk again, she noticed that the window was closed again and that Logan was sitting on the bed. She glanced at the wet spot on his T-shirt. "Oh, God, sorry about that," she said, laughing softly. "I always feel horrible when I get someone wet from crying."

"It's nothing," he replied. "It's good to see you smilin' again, though." He raised an eyebrow. "That didn't seem to work too well. I think we should maybe stop with the meditation."

Kat nodded. "That's a good idea, but …" She ed aed away, blushing. "Could we still maybe talk? It felt kinda good to tell you some of my problems."

Logan nodded. “Yeah, I’d have to agree with you there.” He didn’t argue when she pulled away from his embrace to sit next to him on the bed. “As much as I have a badass reputation around here, it’s nice to be able to talk about that shit with someone.

They sat in silence for a few moments until Logan broke it again.

“Can I ask you somethin’, Kat?”

She shrugged. “Go ahead.”

“Where’s your stepdad now?”

Kat stiffened. “It’s not important,” she said softly. “He can’t hurt me anymore where he is.”

Logan nodded. “Okay, that’s good enough for me. I don’t wanna push you any farther than you’re ready to go.” He watched her get to her feet. “Look, Kat, I’m here any time you need me. Just come find me.”

“Thanks, Logan. Sleep well.”

“You too, darlin’,” he replied, sharing an ironic smile with her. “See ya tomorrow.”

Kat nodded and made her way back to her room. She slept soundly for the first time in years.