Carne Vale

CARNE VALE CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN (NC-17)
Disclaimers Apply


A/N Goddess Foxfeather, Queen of Mad Plotbunnies, HEAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tim, go put on the bunny ears and make her feel better! Don't give me that look...go! InterNutter, TC and Maxwell Pink, I dance the dance of joy because you archive. And I think I need to stop watching Perfect Strangers reruns... Readers/Reviewers: Cross my heart hope to die stick a needle in my eye this one is better... The Killer Kitties (tm) are recruiting, a source tells me. They're getting perfectly docile cats and drawing them into Mercenary Kitty (tm) training... The ducks are now afraid. And I do a happy little witchy dance in gratitude for feedback and your continued reading. :)



"I'm tellin' you, man, it happens to every guy at least once!" Lance tapped a cigarette out of the hard-sided pack as if bored.
"It happen to you?"
"Hell no!"1 Lance made a face of disgust as he glared at Remy.
"I can' believe I talkin' to ya 'bout dis...dis be de mos' ridiculous ting I ever do..." Remy took the pack of cigarettes from Lance and scowled, coloring fiercely in the moonlight. Behind them, the mansion sat in semi-darkness, lamplight shining from a few windows, telling tales on who had not finished their homework or who just plain could not sleep.
"It's not so bad," Todd said, waving away the offer of a smoke. "I mean...you're young. You've got plenty of time to make it up, huh?"
Remy blew out a stream of smoke into the night and sighed. "It ain't that! Why de fuck 'm I talkin' ta y'all anyhow..."
"Rather talk to Scott and Kurt?" Lance asked, taking a long drag on his Marlboro. "I'm sure they'd _love _ to hear all about it..."
Remy shuddered delicately, almost imperceptible in the night. "Non. I guess y'all not so bad, eh?" He sighed and lay back on the cool grass, the dew several hours from coming but the ground beneath him still slightly damp. "It jus' dat I caint get de image o'Evan kissin' Jubilee from ma tete. It like it stuck on autoplay or somethin'."
"So...you can't get it up because you keep picturing Evan and Jubilee together?" Todd asked, reclining on his elbows and staring at the stars. "Think of something else then...think of Asia Carerra2 or something. If you still think of Evan when you kiss Jubilee after that, I think it's time to reevaluate your sexuality."
Remy resisted the urge to punch Todd on the arm and instead blew smoke in his direction. "You one sick fuck, you know dat?"
"He don't get laid but once a month anyway...he ain't got a problem getting it up-he's just got a problem making sure he ain't gonna go off too soon," Lance snickered.
"Don't make me slime you. And we do _plenty _ of things during the rest of the month."
"Oh?" Remy and Lance asked.
"None of your business!" Todd snapped, sliding a glare in their direction. In truth, Rogue was usually too nervous about accidentally touching him to really do more than hold hands or hug unless it was one of her "safe" days, something Todd had decided he would remedy as soon as possible.
Remy snorted. "Whateveh." Flicking ash onto the grass, he said, "I jus' don' tink I kin keep her distracted much longer...I been lucky cuz she havin' her lady-time for de pas' three days..."
"Eeeeew. I prefer to think girls don't do that," Lance said, wrinkling his nose. "As far as I'm concerned, they don't go to the bathroom, have periods, or any bodily function other than breathing, eating, and orgasms."
"Amara is so going to just haul off and hit you one day, you know that? And I don't mean in that slap and tickle sort of way," Todd muttered.
Remy ground out the butt of his cigarette and cast about for somewhere to throw it, settling on shoving it back into the box it came from until he could find a trash can later. "I don' know...sooner or later, she gonna wanna do more dan jus fool aroun'."
"Worst case scenario," Lance said, taking a final pull and flicking the remains into the grass, "you tell her what's up-or not up-and deal with it. But that's the answer Scooter or Fuzz Ball would give you so don't do that..."
Todd frowned. "I don't know...Jubilee would probably get over it and figure out some way to help you out..." he snickered. "Sorry. There's just no way to talk about this without everything sounding perverted."
Remy did thump him on the arm then. "I jus' don' know what ta do...I be tinkin' de frustration be makin' it worse."
"Probably," Lance allowed, toying with the pack of cigarettes, wondering intensely what Amara was doing, if she were waiting up for him or if he would slink into her bed unnoticed. "Look, I'm gonna get to bed. I'm kinda sleepy..."
Remy nodded vaguely. "You be tellin' anyone what I say, you be eatin' de Ace o'Spades, eh?"
"Got it..." Lance nodded in return, though he knew he would tell Amara next time he saw her awake.
Remy pushed himself to his feet and bushed errant pieces of grace off his coat. "I guess I be goin' too..."
Todd sighed. "Yeah. It's almost one and I gotta go to school in the morning." He stond snd stretched on his toes, giving an experimental hop to work the kinks out of his muscles. "You know," he said suddenly, "maybe if you kissed someone else, you could get over it. You know, so you wouldn't be thinking about Jubilee getting kissed while you were kissing her."
"I ain't gonna cheat on her!" Remy growled.
"No, not cheating...just find one of the girls who'd like to kiss you, tell her it's a one-shot deal and do it. No tongue, even..." Todd shrugged. "It's the best I could come up with."
Remy was very quiet, staring down the slope of the front yard to the stand of poplars near the fountain. "Who you suggest?"
"Huh?" Todd blinked in surprise. "Oh...I guess...huh. Give me a minute..." He bit his thumbnail as his mind flitted from first one girl then another. "Got it!" he crowed. "Kitty!"
"Kitty Pryde? Homme, you be nuttier den a fruitcake!" Remy laughed.
"No, no, think about it! She and Kurt are on hold as far as kissing and stuff goes, and she's nice and won't think you're trying to put a move on her if you tell her why you're doing it..." Todd shrugged. "She's safe. Amara would slap you if not fry you, Rahne would just laugh in your face, Jean would raise her eyebrow and *think * something at you... Kitty's the way to go."
"She gonna kill me fo' dis," Remy said evenly. "I can't kiss her."
'Don't just kiss her, tell her why. Hell, tell Jubilee if you want to, but kissing Kitty would make things even and you could go back to whatever it is that you two do that makes the whipped cream disappear." Todd popped his neck and sighed. "Well, night. See ya tomorrow."
Remy lit the second cigarette he had taken from Lance and let it burn for a moment, thinking of how Jubilee would chastise him if he smelled like smoke in the morning. _I keep promisin' ta quit...mebbe one day I get to it... _He took a drag, feeling the slight tang of the smoke in his throat before he exhaled. _I kin do worse 'n Kitty...she be a nice gal and not hard ta look at...Jus' gotta do it widdout Kurt seein' or knowin'... _ Remy hotboxed the cigarette and strolled back to the house, already trying to come up with the best way to not get emasculated before he salvaged his manhood.

Kitty snuggled against her pillow, happily noticing that it did not seem exceedingly soft for once and smelled quite nice. Murmuring nonsensically to herself, she tightened her aro around it and yawned sleepily, slowly coming to an unwilling wakefulness. Yawning wider, she felt an unwelcome fuzz on her tongue. "Ugh! What the Hell..." Three things occurred to Kitty at once. Her pillow was breathing, her pillow was awake, and her tongue was covered in blue fur, as evidenced by the strands on her fingers when she pulled them away from her mouth. "Kurt!" she cr a m a mixture of shock and pleasure.
Kurt was clutching her sheet around his middle, his fingers working nervously. "Guten Morgen, Katzchen," he said somewhat shakily. "Um...oops."
"Oops? What's an oops?" she asked, narrowing her eyes. "Did we do something I don't remember? Cause sweetie, no matter how sleepy I am, I always remember this sort of thing..."
Kurt shook his head. "We didn't have sex. I didn't even kiss you. I just sort of...fell asleep when I didn't mean to." He groaned slightly and slid down to cover his face with the sheet. "Father Dominic is going to hit me with the Bible or something if I go back for a fourth time this week!"
"Four times? _Four _ times this week?" Kitty slid out of bed and reached for her robe, stopping her impulse to get dressed in front of him out of long habit. "Kurt, I know this is a huge deal to you, but I'm pretty sure whatever you think your transgressions are will keep long enough to condense into one visit to the confessional..."
"Kitty," he groaned from under the sheet, "this is not good! What's that saying, 'The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak'? It's true." He peeked out from under the pink bedclothes and said more clearly, "I'm weak, Schatz. I can't keep from you...I came into your room last night to wait for you, do you know that?"
"Kinda caught onto that one there..." she sighed, surreptitiously taking her underwear and bra from a drawer and tucking them into the pocket of her robe so Kurt could not see them. "Look, so what? We didn't do anything, we both slept well for the first time in fourtdaysdays and, aside from some blue fur in odd places, no harm done."
"Ja, harm is done! I swore not to do anything sexual with you and here I sit! Er...lay!"
"Kurt, we held each other and that's _it _! Don't get me wrong, it was nice even if I don't remember it but it wasn't sex! It wasn't even French kissing! It was a show of love and affection and I'm happy it happened!"
Kurt scowled and rolled to his feet, flinging her blanket aside. Clad in just his pajama bottoms, he began pacing, flailing his arms as he spoke, his lashing tail narrowly missing the remains of Kitty's snowglobe collection and a lamp. "You have no idea how hard this is for me, knowing this is something I brought on myself, the guilt I feel over wanting to throw it aside..." Rounding on her startled gaze, he said a little too harshly for her morning mood, "You're a temptation to me! This is so much easier for you!"
"What?" she bit out, hands fisted at her side. She stalked towards him, backing him towards the window. "You don't know what you're talking about!" Poking him in the chest with one angry finger, she said "Do you have any idea what I go through every day since you decided to give up sex? See that calendar? I'm counting the damn days until you're able to do it again just to keep from going batty! I went through a set of batteries already trying to relieve the tension!"
"You what?" Kurt felt his eyes go round and was sure that, if given the chance, they would bug out of his head like a cartoon character.3
Kitty felt a viscous happiness at the shocked expression on her boyfriend's face. "Batteries! Three D-cells! And you want to know why?" She pressed against him cruelly, slapping her hands against the window frame on either side of him to hold him in place. "Because all I've been able to think about is you. How you touch me, how you look at me, what you feel like, look like, taste like...How much I want you every second of the day and since I can't have you until you're done with this Lent observance, I have to find some way to keep form walking around in a perpetual state of arousal, about to go off if someone just touches me the right way!" She knew she was exaggerating a little, but it was proving her point. "Yes, I used that thing and you know something? _I liked it! _"
"Katzchen!"
"Don't act so shocked! You've seen me masturbate before! And it's not like I said that I liked it better than you!" she defended herself. She was starting to feel bad for tormenting him, making him stay though some part of her brain was telling her he could damn well leave if he really wanted to. "I have to go help Doctor Reyes before I go to school today. But think of one thing while you're on your way to confession this afternoon." Grinding herself against him, feeling his growing arousal and torturing her own heated loins, Kitty said, "It's twenty-six days until Easter and I'm not going to keep my hands off my own body just because you can!"
1 An old Night Court had that conversation in it...
2 Porn star. Don't ask how I know, just know that I know...
3 ha ha ha