Wicked Game

“What are ye doin’ out here kid? In your nightie and all … You know it’s in the middle of the night and – “

Logan. She should’ve known, or maybe not. However as it was, she wasn’t the least bit surprised.

“So?” she answered but refused to face him. He mustn’t see her like this.

“So … shouldn’t you be in bed, Rogue?” he asked.

He was smoking one of those cigars, she could tell, and smell for that matter.

“I could ask you the same. What are you doing out here? Following me?”

“No … no I’m not, I just …”

“Then what? Did someone tell you to? Bobby?”

“Yes … and no. Listen, I just happened to be awake and I went down to the kitchen to get something to drink, the heat, you know … It makes it real hard to get some sleep around here.”

“So you ran into Bobby Ah take it”, she answered, made sure she sounded cautious enough. Cautious was good around people like Logan.

“Yeah, well, let’s just say I was sippin´ a cold beer when he showed up asking for ye, goin’ on and on about not knowing where you were.”

She caught a glimpse of Logan through her hair, he was dressed for the occasion, more or less, wearing his usual faded and worn jeans, combat boots and a white t-shirt. Oh so typically Logan.

“This should be a good one, Bobby asking you to help him track down the mutant freak queen.” She couldn’t help but laugh out loud at that, Logan – Bobby’s new best buddy.

“Kid …”

She rose to her feet, faced him, angry and determined to let it show. If he was surprised it didn’t show much, he arched an eyebrow and blew a couple of smoke rings towards her.

“Stop that … just stop ...”

“What do you mean?” He looked puzzled, he actually managed to look puzzled.

“Calling me that like it’s … Ah’m not anymore, so just drop it.”

“But …”

She took a couple of steps in his direction, and hoped to make a point. “Look, you’re not mah father and you’re not mah boyfriend, you’re just … you’re just …” She hated that he made her angry without even trying. And she was even more annoyed about that casualness coming from him, like they were just chattering about the colour of the sky or something just as meaningless.

Logan folded his arms, and that casualness slowly left his appearance. “What? What am I?” he asked, a lot more solemn than before. He was still coming off a touch negative, but that wasn’t unlike him, it was just typical Logan manner. Grumpy – and asking for trouble.

She sighed and turned her back. “Never mind, just go, and leave me alone.”

“Not until you tell me what’s wrong k …”

Good, good, he actually was paying attention to something, she noticed.

“No, just leave me the fuck alone. You can’t help me, no one can.” She hated herself talk like that, offensive and unpleasant. Logan, however, she noticed, didn’t seem to be bothered though.

“I never said I would.”

“So then you’re just checking up on me? Spying for Bobby? Well stop that, okay?”

He shrugged. “Have it your way, kid, I just wanted to … Look, he was worried alright, I just came looking for you, and to see that you were okay that’s all. Okay?”

She turned around, tried to sound as calm as she could be, calm as a water lily. “Well, now you know, don’t ya Logan?”

“You don’t seem to be okay, something’s bothering you, I can feel it”, he said softly.

“Yeah, you know, wolves tend to gather around the weak and crippled”, she replied, and didn't bother to hold back on the sarcasm in her voice. It made her throat feel tight, and her eyes sting with unshed tears.

“Now, what’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means Ah don’t need your sympathy.”

Logan’s face softened for a moment. “Think ye’re confusing it with care. I care, Bobby cares, Storm cares … you know that”, he said and took a drag on the cigar, careful not to blow smoke in her direction.

Their eyes met, and looking into Logan’s eyes she almost told him she believed every word. It took some effort to tear away from that gaze.

“No you don’t Logan, you don’t know me, and don’t worry – Bobby can’t make me feel any colder than Ah already am”, she whispered, and turned her back on him again.

“But it’s really hot outside …”, he began.

“Don’t make jokes.”

“Listen kid, I – “

“Stop fuckin’ calling me that!”

“I’m sorry Rogue”, he said and hesitated before he finished the sentence, “I know how you feel, I really do.”

“Do you? Do you really?”

“Yeah and I …”

A shiver ran through her body, it held no heat, no nothing, just … emptiness … and yet it felt like liquid ice. She hugged herself, and felt goose bumps appear on her bare arms. “Ah’m so cold … I … I … I’m so … so cold.”

“Cold? You’re sweating …”

She stared at the pond with its lilies on the surface. “Ah’m so cold Ah don’t think there’s anything that can make it better, no way to melt the ice”, she whispered and sank to her knees.

Logan knelt in the grass behind her, the clothing made a soft noise when he did. “You don’t mean that. And I do care, as I always have ever since I found you hiding out in the back of my trailer, but you have to talk to me. You have to talk to me, Rogue.”

“No. No you can’t, Ah won’t let you waste that on me.” It was difficult to breathe. No air, and she was frozen.

“Marie …”, Logan said softly. This was a side of him that rarely came through as she knew – Logan trying to comfort someone.

“Go away … just go back to bed Logan. Jean must wonder where you are”, she said, and felt drained all of a sudden.

She could hear him draw breath as if he was about to say something. He was silent before he finally spoke again, then with a touch of concern in his voice.

“Don’t worry about her, I came here to ask you to come back to the house, to see if you were okay.”

“And now that Ah’ve told ya, please …. Ah need to be alone … Ah …” She fell silent, all out of words, the ice nearly covered everything, made every breath painful.

“Rogue, please …”

“Don’t touch me Logan, ya don’t want to touch me, please … don’t ya remember … don’t ya know anything about mah ability … this curse?”

“It’s not a curse, it’s a gift …could be a gift.” With him it could be a little bit easier, his healing factor considered, she knew that, and he knew.

“But it makes me an outcast. Unwanted. A freak. Ah can’t touch a person the way you’re supposed to or can do, Ah can never allow mahself to have a lover, to be that close to someone, Ah can’t even allow mahself to fall in love or even fantasize about someone because it would create too many difficulties and … and a need that can nevah be fulfilled so … please go, Ah’ve said more than Ah should have.”

“Hush, Rogue, it’s okay …”

“No … no it’s not okay, but Ah’ll live. Ah just cannot be what they want me to be, not while Ah … no … Ah cannot do this, Ah cannot be saved. Stay away from me.”

“Listen to me …”

“No, no you don’t understand, you cannot even begin to understand what it feels like to have identities of several people constantly present within you, knowing that you’ll never experience the touch of someone else’s skin, to really touch another person – “

“Don’t say that sweetheart, you can have all the things you’re denying yourself, you just have to trust Charles on that”, he said and fell silent for a while before he added: “And me.”

“You don’t believe that.”

“And I can touch you.”

He spoke softly, his voice felt like velvet against bare skin, and while stroked her hair and trailed those dark curls with his fingers, she couldn't help but lean into his touch

“No … please”, she whispered.

“You can learn how to control it, I know you can, darlin’.”

“But it’s a dead end, can’t you see that? Haven’t you been paying attention to the things that are said about me? Ah’ve put one guy into a coma, Ah’ve killed people because of my ability, and Ah can’t take it anymore, you know. Bobby will understand.”

“Stop talking like that, you know damn well it’s not true Rogue.”

She turned to face Logan, found him too close for her to feel entirely comfortable. He just looked at her, but what did he see, she wondered. She was so weak. She was nothing. “It’s not? Why don’t you enlighten me about me Logan, as you seem to know me so well.” She had to force the words from her mouth, deliberately made them sound mean. For some reason she wanted to hurt him, and again the very thought made her sick, that she even wanted to in the first place. Logan was being Logan, she had no real reason to hurt him.

As expected he reacted, frownedat her while he chewed on the cigar. “Don’t be a smartass …”

“Why not, it’s true, you don’t have the slightest idea who Ah am, other than the freak girl you call kiddo all the time”, she hissed, and fed the fire as she could see him get angry. Oh, he was gonna lash out at her. “What do you know about hurt? What do you know about killing people you care about? You don’t know or you don’t care? And why would you, you’re not me, you don’t know mah secrets, mah heart, mah thoughts. Everyone I know or start caring for goes away in the end anyway so you see, there’s no fuckin’ point … no point in knowing me, Logan. Don’t waste your time on me, save it for your precious Dr Grey. She … she … loves you.” She held Logan’s gaze, watching those eyes, watching him change - she so badly wanted to touch him. Ice and fire.

Before she had the chance to react, Logan leaned into her. He was going all Wolverine on her now, so maybe that could put a stop to things. He pointed a finger at her. “Be quiet”, he growled, “just shut the fuck up Rogue. No one’s leavin’, not you,” he pointed her in the chest and at himself, “not me or anyone. And another thing, don’t ever lecture me about pain again, because I meant what I said earlier, I DO know what it’s like, how it feels like to have your entire world ripped apart, to be hurt, to feel like you don’t belong anywhere. And as for trusting and caring … you just have to take the chance.” The anger had faded from his voice, left it more like Logan than his alter ego. He raised a hand to stroke one of those white streaks in her hair, “You know why I had to leave, darlin’, but I came back didn’t I?” he said quietly.

She shook her head. “But you did leave, Logan, and you didn’t even bother to say good bye, I had to rush after and make you say it, so don’t make promises you cannot keep, in the end it won’t last”, she said, sounding weak and hated it. She tried to pull away from his gaze, dark flames hinting at things he’d never shared with anyone, something he was protecting, building a stonewall around. He suddenly scared her, it was like looking down a bottomless well, there was nothing but darkness, shadows, and it reached out to her, tried to drag her down, pull her under. It frightened her even more that she didn’t want to close her eyes – she wanted to linger there, to be inside those dark crystals she stared into. They were so beautiful it made her chest tight with angst.

Logan hesitated before he let go of her hair. If he had noticed what her thoughts were he didn’t show. “I know you well enough to tell if you’re lying, I can smell a lie coming from you. I know you want to trust me, and I’m tellin’ you … Damnit Rogue, ye can trust me, because I’ve been there. You know at least some things about me. I haven’t’ forgotten when you came into my room and I … I still have nightmares about it, seeing you dead because of me. You’ve seen what’s beneath my skin, darlin'. You know what I am.”

She lowered her head ashamedly. “Ah’m sorry Logan, Ah’m just so … so tired, Ah feel worn out sort of … and I …”

“It’s okay kid, I’m not mad at ye, I know you’re hurting, you’re practically radiating it”, he said, just barely touched her cheek with his fingertips.

She turned her head at the sudden feel of him against her skin. Her lips brushed feathery across his fingertips. They stared at each other, and for a split second it felt like he knew everything about her, like there was no need for words. He rushed through her, a tidal wave, and it wasn’t the first time she’d experienced that with him, and Logan wasn’t only one that had left his imprint inside her head. The sensation of it, as the ice gave way and replaced it with liquid dark fire, made her struggle for breath. The air whirled, colors were spinning inside her head, and then it was all gone. Judging by Logan’s reaction, his eyes had slightly widened, and he let out a loud gasp - he had felt it too. She closed her eyes for a second, sought self-control, before she spoke.

“You’re nevah gonna stop using that nickname, are ya Wolvie?” She forced herself to meet his gaze, relieved to see him flash her one of those rare smiles.

“Nope, not unless you make me, Rouge”, he answered, the smile turned into a grin. Somehow he looked a bit embarrassed.

“I don’t know why you put up with me. You should ‘a left me by the side of the road that day”, she murmured. “Jean … she must think you’re crazy, and you wouldn’t want crazy added to your rep so I’ll just leave instead.”

“Rogue don’t … damnit, don’t be like this …”

Logan grabbed her swiftly by the shoulders, for the moment he was safe as she wore a kimono over the nightie. Still, his touch made her want to close her eyes.

“Logan …”

“What?” he said hoarsely.

Rogue reached up and entangled her hands in his hair. To be this close to him, and alone, made it hard to breathe. Logan hadn’t removed his hands from her shoulders, and he still held her gaze, with a grim look on his face, but said nothing and did nothing to prevent her from touching him. She loved that unruly hair of his, and it seemed she couldn’t stop touching him.

“You think Ah’m stubborn?” Rogue murmured after a while.

“You know what I mean …”, he grunted, probably not aware of that twitch in corner of his mouth. He frowned slightly at her. It was that facial expression that was so typically Logan, the way he’d looked at her when they’d first met and were in his trailer leaving Laughlin City.

She managed to smile at him, but the ice was still there, eating her from the inside. “Good night Logan”, she said and left without looking back. She could feel Logan’s eyes following her, but he didn’t call her name.

~'~'~'~'~'~

Later that night…


“So this is where you’ve been hiding out.”

Jean’s voiced reached him through the mist. He’d been thinking about the conversation with Rogue. It still bothered him, no concerned him, they way she took off just when she seemed to be opening up to him. He knew he had let her down, leaving her they way he had. Luckily something still told him that she knew why, or at least that she was okay with it. Was she? Is she really? But her eyes, the pain had been raw and … he sighed, shaking his head to himself. Someone had to talk to her, someone else but him. Yes, that would be best.

Logan glanced at Jean as she sat down on the end of the couch. She looked tired, but smiled lazily at him.

“Jeannie …”

“I woke up and you weren’t there, and so when you didn’t come back …”, she began, and touched his arm. “Is something wrong?”

“No … no I’m okay, I couldn’t sleep, this damned heat …”, he made a gesture with one hand and placed the other on one of her thighs. “I had to cool off … too hot to stay in bed.”

She cocked an eyebrow at him. “So have you?”

“What?”

“You really are distracted tonight. Are you coming back to bed? It’s still several hours until sunrise.”

“I’m not tired anyway so I’ll just stay here, have another beer or so”, he said and kissed her fingertips. “I’ll be with you later okay?” He could detect her disappointment, even though she hid it well, it still showed in her eyes. Somehow it just annoyed him. Well, he’d had enough of that particular experience for the night, so he just ignored it.

“Are you sure? You seem really bothered by something darlin’”

“No Jean, I just can’t sleep, that’s all… “ He emptied the beer.

“Okay, if you say so”, she said reluctantly and rose to her feet. “Later then.”

“Later.”