Snowflake

Tony didn't know what to expect.

He was quite sure that Natasha had already made her way back to S.H.I.E.L.D.

Back, as if they had just left for an afternoon stroll, not spent the last few weeks sided with a super-villain.

She would return there anyhow, wouldn't she? If Cap was really with her, she would be. It was their only shot at fixing this. But then again, it was just as possible that she had bailed on him and hid, locked away under some bridge. Because clearly, keeping out of Loki's way might just be the best idea and after she had seen what Fury had done to Tony, she'd probably want to keep out of his range aswell, she was smart with a strong drive of self-preservation. That made her at least partly predictable.

But then there was the corpse.

Maybe she had spent the last couple of hours running around aimlessly, in shock. What would Tony do, if someone had murdered his... well, Loki in front of his eyes? He would have gotten himself killed right after in a doomed attempt to revenge his death. So she was already smarter than him, but then again, he had known that all along.

Fact of the matter was, he couldn't tell. You could always count on the Black Widow's ruthlessness, but if she got emotional, there was no telling what her course of action might be.

Tony opted not to waste any more thought on that, especially since the train of thought had included a romantically tragic setting of himself, holding Loki's lifeless body, out of his mind with grief and lost love. And he could not bear those affectionate feelings. Hopefully, Fury would see to their elimination once and for all.

When he entered the Helicarrier, he was attacked instantly. An EMP grenade threatened to knock out his suit, hud flaring wildly and JARVIS' warnings were reduced to nothing but a jumble of incoherent syllables, but it did not break down on him entirely. It did, however, incapacitate him a good deal and when his field of vision was clear enough to see the hammer aimed at his chest, it was too late by seconds.

His suit had regained full function a couple of seconds later, but mjölnir had knocked him back and onto the floor and was now lying heavy on his chest, rendering him incapable of any movement. He did not enjoy lying flat on his back like an iron turtle of sorts, but he knew defeat when he felt it, so all that was left to do was take of his helmet and throw it at Thor, who only threw him a sheepish look in reutrn, not getting the gesture, it seemed.

"He is admitting defeat.", Fury explained from just out of Tony's field of vision. "Aren't you, Stark."

Seemed like he would not be spared that encounter and lying flat on his back for this did not make it much better. Somehow it felt less jarring than he knew it should, but recent events would not be beaten that easily when it came to the matter of getting to him. Part of him was thankful for the thick wall that dampened blows and voices alike, but deep inside he knew he had to be sharp now.

"Gloat, if you want. I've been through hell. If that makes you happy, fine. I don't care. Be happy. But promise me you'll help me bring him down."

Bitterness was all that held his voice together at this point.

Fury simply grinned, a short display of teeth, no more.

"See you on the bridge, then. Don't think we trust you. Not one second, Stark."

Well, he probably hadn't really expected anyone to, and as uncomfortable as it made him, he slowly began unhinging the many parts of his armor, one by one. All the ones he could reach, that is, with mjölnir still holding him down.

After boots and gauntlets were off, though, Thor probably deemed it safe enough to take his hammer back and Tony thanked him with a curt nod.

He was not ready to truly look at the god. Tony Stark had never been good at admitting to his own mistakes. Never. And these last few weeks were probably the biggest he had ever made, and it had felt better than all his past slip-ups combined. There had been the usual tint of excitement over it all. Forbidden, off limits. That's what it always felt like, that's the thing that drew him into trouble each and every time. What was more exciting than siding with the villain, going up against the guys he had never liked?

Bullshit, the entire time he had told himself that it was the right thing to do, that's what counted. This hadn't been one of his reckless dives, no risk he had carelessly taken. This had been different, and the outcome was all the more devastating.

Because he had believed in what he was doing. All doubts aside, he had continued out of his own conviction. He had only himself to blame.

It was when he unhinged his chestplate that he realised he had been naked when he was thrown out of the window. Great, just great.

Luckily that was exactly the moment Cap arrived. Good old Cap. He saw the predicament Tony was in almost instantly and frowned.

"Yeah, yeah. I know."

"I wasn't gonna say anything!"

Sure, he was just going to give him righteous disapproval and disappointed puppy-dog eyes.

"I'll get you something to wear, hang on."

Thor had gone ahead to tell Fury they would be following soon after, when Cap came back. What he had found was one of the standard S.H.I.E.L.D jumpsuits. Great, he'd look just like the obedient little soldier the director always wanted him to be. Well, beats going naked, the bitemarks and bruises in suspicious places were nothing he would like Fury to see, though the man probably had a good look at some already, when he had taken his helmet off.

He had never been embarassed about these sort of things, but before it had always been a tell-tale sign of a wild night, not of being marked and owned by a psychopath and liking it.

It burned to think of it this way, but he had to hold on to that thought. It was the truth, after all.

Flush out the illusion he has woven over your eyes, there was never love there, never.

Sighing, he got rid of the last pieces of armor and slipped into the plain black outfit. At least it matched his mood, he thought grimly.

When they reached the bridge agent Hill motioned for them to proceed to the conference room instantly. They complied and found themselves in the company of Thor and Fury shortly after. No sign of the Widow, so far.

"Is Tasha not here? I thought she was with you?", he threw a meek glance at Cap, who lowered his head.

"She was, we've already debriefed her. She is resting now."

"Resting. Sedated?"

"Yes."

Tony couldn't offer anything but a grim nod, he knew it was probably for the best.

"So, Stark. Sit down and talk to me."

Fury, all business.

"Well, you already tortured most of the details out of me, so there isn't much more to tell. We moved a couple of times, ended up at my tower, finished the harness for the Tesseract and then he didn't need me anymore, or anyone else for that matter. I am stupid, naive and a traitor. Now that we've got that covered, what do we do to take him down?"

"I will need a little more detail on that. What happened after you finished the harness?"

"He got powerful. He said he had always been and had just concealed it to not intimidate us. It was... intimidating. Then Clint came in and he just killed him. Snapped his neck."

"Loki did."

"Yes, Loki killed Clint." Thanks for makin me say it, fucker.

"And then?"

"Tasha left, I assumed she would take Cap with her. I was in shock, sort of. I left later."

"Details on that?"

"Loki threw me out of a window."

"You survived."

"Apparently. JARVIS launched my new compact suit, it has a tracer. So, yeah. I fell and it came after me, wrapped itself around me and I survived. Then I came here."

"So. Loki kills Clint and throws you out of a window. I am missing a few hours here."

"Yes, seems like you are. Nothing relevant happened."

"I will decide what is relevant and what is not. So if you will-"

"He messed with my head a little, salt to my wounds and stuff. He had his fun and I was in no position to defend myself, obviously. I tried to fight him, but that was not very effective."

"So he had his fun."

"I believe he did." Yeah, rub it in.

"Stark, you know damn well I will not let you leave this room until you are fully debriefed and it is I who decided when that is the case."

Might as well get this over with then.

"He played with me. Then he tried to control me with his staff, my arc reactor interfered and it didn't work. Then he played some more, then he had his way with me... he talked some more, then I was in freefall. Is that enough?", he kept his voice as impassive as possible in hopes of adopting the view he was portraying here. It did not matter what Loki had done to him in all its cruel detail. What mattered was that he was determined to never let it happen again.

"He-... okay. Tell me more about the Tesseract. If it is to be his source of power now, we need to know everything about it."

Finally, something relevant.

"He doesn't really have access to her power yet, as far as I know. He said he was... arguing with her. He has the means to access her directly, it is only a matter of time until she gives him power, if I understand this correctly. He is more powerful than he ever was even without her, though. He was severely weakened when he came through the portal and didn't have time to replenish. Even against the Chitauri he must have been comparatively weak, that was just a couple of days after he passed out from exhaustion, so... yeah. Now he had had weeks. And he said, it would take years for him to be fully restored. I don't even want to think about what kind threat he would face then. If he manages to hide away, avoid us some time, he'd get more and more dangours, Tesseract or no."

"So what you're saying is, that he is probably getting stronger every second. We need a plan of attack, and soon. I suggest you go rest a little, you look like shit. We wake you when Romanov is back with us."

The all nodded in agreement and started to get up and leave. As Tony was about to reach the door, Fury held him back and regarded him with one of those long looks.

"I'm sorry, Stark. I really am. I saw the danger he posed from the start, I don't understand how you didn't, and you hopefully understand that I had to do everything in my power to stop him, right?"

Tony managed a weak nod, he didn't dare to speak, fearing that his voice might betray him.

It couldn't be helped, he was back on Team Fury and he could not think about the past at this point.

"We got a room for you down on level 2, Cap'll take you there. He can get you something to help you sleep, too."

A grin that looked suspiciously like a snarl was all Tony had to offer as an answer.

He would not be drugged by Fury, no matter what team he was on.

"I'm fine, thanks."

And with that he turned and trailed after Steve, who kept on giving him the most sympathetic of looks, all encouraging smiles and sad eyes.

"I'm glad you're back with us, Tony. I really am. I know that, before, that wasn't really you. You're a good guy."

Oh, that was me alright.

He only shrugged it off and kept silent. There was no point in having a heart-to-heart with the guy, not now.

His room turned out to be the same he had stayed in the first time he was a guest in the helicarrier.

The time Loki had dragged him from his bed and offered an alliance.

He chose to ignore the feeling of the memory chewing away at his already strained composure. There was no time to break down, not now. Maybe he should have taken Fury up on the offer. Dreamless sleep sounded like just the thing he needed right now.

He dismissed Steve with a curt nod, who, obviously unwilling to go, left anyway.

Sleep failed to come and so Tony just lay there and thought of the only person left on his mind, that meant something and had not tried to kill him at one point or the other.

Pepper.

He should call her. He should explain things and make it up to her... but the pang of guilt in his chest whenever the scene from the news footage flashed in his mind was enough to keep him from pressing the call button.

She would be better off staying away from him, and he would tell her so once he managed to get his act together. Right now he felt at a high risk of begging her to come stay with him, to care for him like she always had. He couldn't have that. Luckily Loki wasn't aware of how much she meant to him, apart from the TV scene he didn't even know she existed, as far as Tony knew. He would keep it this way.

He didn't know how long he had lain there, sleep eluding him, taunting him, when the door opened and a familiar sillouette slipped into his room.

It was unusual to see Thor slip in anywhere, all awkward muscle and deep concentration visible in a deep frown.

Thor was not stealthy. He simply wasn't.

Tony couldn't help but chuckle at the sight.

"I'm awake, no need to be sneaky."

The god stopped, startled, a deer-in-the-headlights look prominent on his godly features.

"Oh. Nay, I did not want Nick Fury to see me talk to you."

"Well, he most likely did. Anyway. What do you need? Want to catch up on your baby brother's escapades?"

The thunderer looked uncomfortable, standing there in his dark corner.

"Well. I will not excuse his actions, but I know how it feels like to be controlled by him. I never noticed when he manipulated me."

I'm not like you, he thought, but he wouldn't say it. Thor was trying to help. They have both been played and that's that. It didn't matter who of them was more susceptable to it, so he simply nodded.

"I would always feel like a fool afterwards for not seeing it. He got me to wear my mother's clothes and venture into an enemy's lair once. Both at the same time!"

Tony had a hard time suppressing a grin at the thought.

"You would think it funny, but to me it was a devastating blow to my standing in Asgard. I made a fool of myself and it haunted me for a long time to come. And there were so many other things. What I am saying is that my brother can be very persuasive. He mixes truth and lies so comfortably, one can never tell."

Tony thought about all the small glimpses into Loki's head. Most of them had been in moments, in which he had doubted his way, he realised. Where those-

"Can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"How was his standing in Asgard? Was he well liked? Respected for his magic and stuff?"

Thor blushed slightly at that.

"Well, my brother was loved by many. He was, after all, a prince. But his magic, well. That is a woman's tool, fit only for the weak and craven. It does not earn one respect to poison a drink and stab proud warrior's in the back. Magic is the same thing. Asgardians do not approve of it, I fear."

Hm, a little truth then. Somehow that only made it worse. The sympathy he had felt had been real then, and it burned.

Tony laughed, then. A doomed attempt to cover up the hurt, he feared might be all too obvious, but Thor was busy staring into the distance anyway. No doubt reveling in memories of happier times with his baby brother.

He wanted to ask more. Ask, for example, if guys like him were a common love interest for the man. Something inside of him needed to know, if all that was at least likely to have been real.

But he kept silent. Every little thing, no matter how soundly his heart demanded to know, would only make it harder on him, he knew.

Silence lay heavy in the darkness for some time, then Thor spoke up in the most unexpected manner.

"Was he happy?"

Tony shifted uncomfortably in his bed.

"What do you mean by that?" I don't fucking care if he was happy!

Thor fidgeted, it didn't suit him.

"I mean... I know the things he had done are horrible, but... as I have said, there is always an amount of truth in everything he does. I would like to know, if what you did, this little team of yours and your relations with him, if that had made him happy."

Too many thoughts flashed by unregistered.

"I don't know. I can't tell truth from lie anymore, so... no, I really can't say. Sorry."

Thor only nodded, but he looked disappointed enough to piss Tony off.

"Listen, the guy played me, he betrayed me, hurt me. Because no matter what he might have thought of it all, I was happy. And it turns out the only way for me to be happy is in the arms of that psycho, living a vigilante-slash-villain life, which is so cliché and oh-so romantic. And it was a lie, all of it. I don't fucking care if he was being happy or not, because it was a lie and it doesn't matter. He made it very clear that he despises me in the end."

"I have seen him after you fell, after the Chitauri. That did not look like a man that despises you."

Bargaining for his brother's soul, great.

"I am the only one on earth capable of creating the harness for the Tesseract. Had I died everything he had planned would have been in vain. Of course he freaked at that. And it played out well for him, didn't it. All those sympathies he got from Tasha for being in love."

He all but spat the last word, in a hurry to get it out lest it burned his tongue.

Thor only gave him a long look for that. A long, god damned thoughtful look.

"He never does only one thing. There are always layers to his doings, I believe."

Tony sighed, frustration with the big guy setting in.

"So you're saying that he did use me and play me, but was also actually in love with me? Sorry, but I have my doubts. He-"

He stopped at that. Thor didn't need to know everything, did he.

"He tried to kill me, that is proof enough for me."

The other shook his head and pushed himself off the wall to edge closer and sit on the foot of the bed.

"He cannot stand weakness. Maybe he realised you wouldn't stay by his side after he revealed his true motives? His mind works in wondrous ways."

"Wondrous, yeah. Like taking me by force next to Clint's corpse. That is a weird way to show one's affection, even for that guy."

A look of hurt and shock crossed Thor's half-lit face and he averted his eyes.

"I am so sorry."

"It's not your fault. Just don't-... Don't try and justify what he did, alright? Because I can't stand that. I need to wake up from all these lies and see him for what he is. A lying, cheating asshole and I am going to bring him down. That is all I need to know right now. I can wallow in self-pity afterwards. I can't stand feeling for him, not now..."

His voice was beginning to sound rough and he stopped, before it would break and the tears he had been trying to hold back so long would fall. He could not allow sentiment of any kind, not now.

Thor understood, finally, and nodded slowly.

"I will take my leave then. And I promise to help you capture him. He will be taken back to Asgard to face punishment for what he'd done and you won't have to face him again. Don't worry."

With this he stood and, unstealthily, headed for the door.

No way in hell Tony would be able to sleep after that.

Suddenly all the aches and pains in his body were back. How he had managed to supress them up until now, he did not know. All he knew was, that they were back with full force.

He groaned in frustration. This did not help. He got up and headed for the small shower stall, maybe some hot water would help calm him, clean him.

He did not like he notion of the rape victim curled up in the shower. His rational mind forbid such naivety, but it would certainly help the bruises and soreness that had his battered body in their firm grasp.

Thor's mjölnir to the chest earlier today had not helped either.

As he leaned against the cool tiles and let hot water beat down on him, it did offer some kind of serenity. The steam clouded his mind, made his lungs tingle and he felt good, blank.

The thought that he was actually taking a shower in S.H.I.E.L.D's headquarters hit him with less force than was probably due, but he didn't mind.

It had been Loki's thing to clean him, which in hindsight was a rather sick show of dependency on his part. He had to deal with what Fury had done if he was to work with the guy, might as well get over his waterboarding-induced phobia.

He had to admit though, that he hadn't even paid it much mind as he had stepped under the spray of water just now. Fine by him, though. It felt good, it felt like a sense of self had been returned to him, one fractured little piece after the other.

He would be okay, eventually, and it felt good.

He fell asleep easily after that, and he dreamed of Loki.