Playing with Fire

I'm sure we all know the drill by now, but just in case - Not mine. Just dreaming. Spending *way* too much time dreaming actually, but we won't go there.

Now that that's taken care of.... Okay, this is kind of a short chapter - for me anyway. I know that it's almost epic by the standards of most other fics. Think of it this way. By reading all this, you're proving what a superior attention span you have, right? Yay you. Sorry, feeling a tad sarcastic tonight.

This was actually only supposed to be half of the chapter, but I've been pretty slow lately and it seemed like an okay stopping point so I decided to post. As always, please let me know what you think. Writers thrive on feedback - okay, we don't thrive on 'you suck, don't quit your day job'. That leads to intense depression and large bills for psychotherapy (j/k), but pretty much anything else is good. Get the picture? Good. Hope you enjoy.

T.G.I.F.


Kurt lay sprawled on his back, gazing up through the sparse canopy of new spring leaves to a patchwork of blue sky and wispy white clouds. It was peaceful here in the woods, and much as he loved company, sometimes he relished the quiet and solitude that he could find here.

It amused him no end sometimes how the other residents of the mansion almost entirely avoided the woods on and around the Professor's estate. Rahne had come here sometimes before she'd had to leave. The dark beneath the trees had held no menace for the lupine girl. Logan, Kurt knew, wandered the forest paths as often as he himself did. The others, though, came only when the Wolverine dragged them in for a training session and left as quickly as they could when it was over. That made it ideal for his purposes today.

He'd heard them describe these woods - his refuge - as everything from just plain dark and gloomy to ominous, forbidding, even menacing. Really, they were just woods, and to him they were endlessly beautiful. Their colors, sounds and smells changed constantly - with the seasons, with the weather, even with the time of day. There was nothing forbidding here in this small, tame corner of 'wilderness,' surrounded entirely by a bustling sea of humanity.

Kurt smiled at the memory of Evan's surprise when he had once described them to him in just those terms - small and tame. To the city bred boy they apparently seemed expansive and wild, but compared to the vast, ancient forests and towering snow-capped peaks of his Bavarian childhood they were nothing but a small, and sometimes comforting, reminder of the wide-roaming freedom of his earliest years.

Kurt stretched slightly, not moving from his supine position, but shifting just enough to allow his cramped tail more freedom of movement. Lying on his back for any length of time was not really comfortable, but the view of the forest canopy was soothing, and he needed soothing right now. He was momentarily distracted from the beauty of the view as the spaded blue tip of his tail flicked rapidly across his field of vision, the only indication of the nervous energy he was working hard to control.

He suppressed a brief surge of irritation at the sight. No one else around here had to deal with an appendage over which they had so little control. Certainly, he _could_ control it well enough when he _had_ to - it was even more dexterous than a hand in some circumstances - but that was only if he cared to actually _think_ about it. The moment his mind moved on to other matters his tail went about its own business, often with little regard to what he would have preferred it to do.

He didn't even want to _try_ and tally the number of hours he must have spent over the years just concentrating on keeping the verdammt thing still, trying not to call attention to the thoroughly inhuman appendage. There had even been a fairly lengthy period when he had insisted on keeping it shoved down his pants leg, despite the considerable discomfort that entailed... He grimaced unconsciously as his mind skipped quickly away from that train of thought. With a sharp shake of his head he forced his attention back to the beauty of his surroundings.

He could hear the quiet scuttlings and burrowings of any number of small creatures, smell the rich loam of the forest floor and the sweetness of the sap moving through new spring wood. Relaxing again, he inhaled a great lungful of the cool, sweet air.

What he _wanted_ to do was to launch himself into furious activity, but what he _needed_ to do was to think through the events of the last few days and try to sort out just where things stood before Kitty joined him.

With all the activity lately, he felt like he'd hardly had a chance to take a deep breath all week. It made him inordinately grateful for the Professor's decision to cancel his usual Friday afternoon ethics class, in addition to giving everyone the weekend free. Logan, of course, had not been nearly so enthusiastic. While he had caved on the issue of the free weekend, he had flat out refused to cancel his Friday afternoon Danger Room session, so now Kurt lay in the dappled shade of the old oak and waited for Kaetzchen.

He sighed and shifted restlessly, checking his watch as he did so. _Only 4:30. At least another half hour to wait._

He let his mind drift to pleasant thoughts of exactly what he wanted to do to her when she finally did arrive. It had taken him a remarkably short time to shift his perception of her from best friend and surrogate little sister to girlfriend, lover and almost constant object of lustful desire - a desire he hoped to satisfy in the not too distant future.

He shifted yet again and tried to ignore the fact that his pants were becoming quite uncomfortable. Maybe he should find something besides Kitty's manifest charms to occupy his thoughts while he waited. He didn't, after all, want to jump her like a sex-crazed maniac the moment she arrived.

_Oh sheisse, let's be honest here. Of course I do, but I'm not going to.... Unless that's what *she* wants._ The last week had left them both extremely frustrated, so there was some hope on that count, especially after last night. Last night....

He sighed heavily. _I'm starting to think that trying to keep this relationship a secret's not just a bad idea, it's bloody well hopeless._ He snorted in exasperation and slapped at a clump of wildflowers with his tail.

_It's not like it's doing us any good anyway,_ he thought with frustration. _The whole point was to keep our privacy and we've had precious little of that all week._

There almost seemed to be a conspiracy against them. They'd never had any trouble being alone before. Hell, they'd spent _hours_ alone in his room or hers - talking, studying, watching late night movies. She'd even slept with him (in perfect innocence) on a number of occasions when they'd fallen asleep during a movie or after studying. Yes, they'd been walked in on, but it really seemed, in retrospect, to have been the exception, not the rule. But maybe it only seemed that way because it had all been innocent before.

This week, though, he could count on the fingers of one hand sadly lacking in said digits the number of times they'd been alone in a room for more than five minutes, and one of those times had led to the fiasco with Scott last night. Kurt shuddered at the memory. He knew it would have seemed hilariously funny if it had happened to someone else, but it hadn't and even the memory of Scott's shocked horror couldn't make it anything other than disconcerting at the very best. _Talk about awkward ambarmbarrassing. That one will be hard to top - and Gott I hope I'm never in a position to manage that._ He grimaced and his tail thrashed in agitation at the thought.

Remembering Kitty's impassioned defense of their relationship brought him a smile, though. She'd been so fierce. It had been quite an experience to see their Fearless Leader totally at a loss. God, at that moment he'd loved her so much it had actually hurt. How huld uld ever have doubted her was a mystery.

And yet...his face fell into grim planes as he thought...and yet he still felt like he was losing his footing on uncertain ground. He was still frightened. He knew, absolutely, that he could trust her. Knew that she would never intentionally hurt him. Unfortunately, his gut had trouble accepting that fact. He couldn't stop waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the pain and humiliation to begin.

"Scheisse!" His tail snapped through the air with a sound reminiscent of a whip crack as he lifted his arms and draped them across his face, snorting in frustration. _It's ridiculous! I know it. So why the hell can't I make the feeling go away?_ He squeezed his eyes shut against a rising surge of misery.

Why couldn't he accept that sex could be anything other than emotionless gratification of lust or a painful exercise in shame, fear and humiliation? Hadn't Kitty proven to him repeatedly that it could be so much more, and so much better, than that? And why, if he was so frightened, did he still want her with almost every breath he took?

_What the fucking hell is wrong with me?_ His fists clenched and unclenched in frustration and his tail drummed erratically on the ground beside him. He wasn't even aware of the low growl rumbling through his chest.

He couldn't even say for sure if being with her was a good thing. He knew he wanted it, despite his uncertainty. But if he stood back and looked objectively at it, at them, could he honestly say that it was a good idea? When they were together it seemed so easy. Even much of the time when they were apart all he could think of was how right it felt to be with her. But honestly, if he forced himself to be objective, could he really claim that this was right, or fair, for either of them?

_How long will she keep her innocence, and how long can I keep my secrets, if we go on this way?_ His tail thrashed restlessly again and he rolled onto his stomach with another muted growl. He pillowed his head on his crossed forearms and inhaled the damp, loamy smell of the earth beneath him as he tried to settle his nerves. _Not long,_ was the only answer he found. _Not long at all, on either count._

Last night she'd half-jokingly told him that she hadn't come to him 'pure', that he wasn't the first to 'corrupt her innocence.' The joke had, if anything, backfired. It had only served to highlight how innocent and naive she really was.

She had absolutely no concept of corruption. How could she, living the life she had. And he wasn't really sure that he could bear to watch that innocence die if she was exposed to the ugliness he'd known. It was hard enough seeing how their exposure had hurt her, hurt all his friends, and watching her continue to struggle with the pain of her family's situation made him ache for her even more.

Her parents had decided to move, leaving the house they'd lived in since her birth, in an effort to get away from the anti-mutant sentiment among their neighbors. She'd cried for most of an hour after they told her, while he and Jean, and even Rogue, had tried to comfort her. Afterward, she'd finally confessed her fear of the protestors at the gates, of the hate filled or frightened stares of students and teachers alike at school. She thought she'd learned how frightening a place the world could be, but she really had no idea. He hoped she never did.

"Oh Gott, why does everything always have to be so verdammt hard?" he snarled into the silence of the wood. His tail ceased its restless twitching and twined firmly around one leg, tightening and loosening rhythmically in a nervous gesture from his chood.ood.


_There's no way I can keep everything from her. Not if we continue as we've begun,_ he thought with something very close to despair. _I've already let her too close, let too much slip and I'm a fucking waste as a liar._

He could see the questions in her eyes sometimes when she looked at him. She hadn't forgotten a single one of his slip-ups, she was just biding her time and waiting for an opportunity to ask the questions she'd been cataloging. He knew her too well to believe otherwise.

When she finally decided the time was right would he be able to mislead her? Put her off? Or would he be cornered? Which was worse, really, lying to her, or watching the disgust creep into her eyes if he told her the truth? Maybe part of the truth would satisfy her? The most palatable part.

He closed his eyes and took a deep, shuddering breath. _Is this train of thought really serving any useful purpose?_ He flipped irritably onto his back again, arms behind his head. _Do I really have any intention of giving her up?_

He tried unsuccessfully to suppress a jaw-cracking yawn, settling instead for covering his mouth with the spade of his tail. _At least the verdammten thing has its uses._ He let his gaze drift back to the patchwork of leaves and sky above as he tried to relax and throw off his gloomy mood.

It wasn't all that big a surprise that he was tired in the middle of the day. It had been a long, hard week. Normally, his almost inexhaustible energy would cope adequately with the fact, but he was still having the nightmares and, while they weren't as vivid or as frequent, they were still sufficient to deprive him of anything resembling a decent night's sleep. They didn't send him reeling out of bed to vomit or spend the rest of the night in the Danger Room anymore. In fact, he hadn't been in the DR except for his normally scheduled workouts since Sunday. It was an improvement, certainly, but he was beginning to wonder with some despair if they would ever go completely away again.

He felt another yawn creeping up on him and didn't bother to fight it this time. Instead, freeing one hand, he covered his mouth and then checked his watch again before resuming his previous position. _Still just quarter of five. Plenty of time to rest for just a few moments._

He let his eyes slip shut as he focused on the beating of his heart, the even ebb and flow of his breath, the soft whisper of the wind through the surrounding trees.... Gradually, he felt the tension drain from him to be replaced by a warm, heavy-limbed feeling of lassitude. A few minutes rest would be a...very...good...thing....


Kitty flipped her still-damp pony-tail off the back of her neck as she headed down the back steps and across the now almost complete rear garden. She was more than a little annoyed that Mr. Logan had refused to cancel the training session. Everyone but she, Bobby, Amara and Ray had had the entire afternoon free. Her recent conversation with her parents certainly hadn't improved her mood either.

"Hey Kitty! Want to play some mutant ball?" Evan's voice carried from the newly surfaced basketball court where the boys, minus only Kurt and Scott, were gathered for one of their brutal games of powers basketball.

"No way!" she called back with a forced grin. "Mr. Logan gave me all the exercise I need for one day thanks. There's no way I'm going to get all hot and sweaty again just so I can get plastered at basketball. Besides, you guys cheat! I think I'll stick to taking a walk before dinner."

"Fine. Coward," Roberto called after her as she continued on her way. His grin took any sting out of the words and she replied with a somewhat more natural smile of her own. She was glad of all the new students. They helped to lighten the general mood considerably.

"I can live with that, mi Amigo," she turned to walk backwards as she spoke.

"Oho, listen to the bilingual senorita display her mastery of the Spanish language," he mocked, laughing. "Your accent is atrocious Kitty. You should let *me* tutor you in Spanish instead of Kurt, you're picking it up with a German accent!" He winked suggestively at her and his grin spread wider.

"The last time I let you help me with my Spanish *Senor*, you spent the entire time flirting. Not to mention that you're not exactly legendary for your patience. I think I'll stick with Kurt, thanks."

"Guilty as charged, ¿Pero cómo yo podría resistir su belleza?" he replied. The other boys pushed him good-naturedly around, teasing him for his inability to spend more than five minutes with *any* female, even Ms. Munroe, without going onto flirt autopilot.

"Hey, speaking of the 'Crawler," Evan called as she turned to head out across the lawn to the woods. "If you see him lurking around out there anywhere, tell him we've got a game up, wouldya? He headed out right after the Prof let him off Ethics and I haven't seen him since. He's probably sulking around in the orchard, beating himself up over breaking up with Amanda or something."

"Yeah, whatever," she called noncommitally over her shoulder as she lengthened her stride. "See you guys around dinner time."

She quickly left the noise of the resuming game behind as she veered slightly to the south, taking the most direct route to the spot where she hoped Kurt would still be waiting for her. She'd told him five o'clock and it was almost ten past now, but her mom had called and there'd been no way to politely escape the conversation.

At least it had been somewhat better news than the last few times they'd spoken. She'd found a new job, but they didn't know about Kitty, and she was going to keep it that way.

"I'm sorry honey. But I can't afford to be out of work anymore. It's not that I'm ashamed of you, I just can't take the chance that they're anti-mutant."

The conversation had deteriorated from there. Apparently the first two real estate agents they'd contacted had been 'too busy' to handle listing their home and her father had fired the third when he'd suggested they fumigate the house before putting it on the market after hearing about Kitty.

The final blow to what had been left of her fragile composure had come when her mom had hollered, "Dear, did you want to say anything to your kitten?"

Her father's voice had been muffled by distance, but not enough to keep her from catching every word of his response.

"Just tell her to keep her *and* us out of the bloody news from here on o We We can't afford any more of this god-damned mutant non-sense!"

There'd been an audible gasp on the other end of the line and Kitty had spoken quickly, before her mother had a chance to start excusing or justifying.

"You know Mom? I don't really have time to talk to Dad right now. So...just, like, give him my love and tell him I'll, like, talk to him later, 'kay?"

"Of course Dear," and she'd heard the relief in her mother's voice at the unexpected reprieve. "I'll tell him. You take care of yourself, darling. All our love."

"Mine too Mom. 'Bye."

She'd stood in the hallway for five minutes, just starting at the phone, as she tried to get her tears under control. She'd been glad that no one else was around so that she could keep this pain to herself. It had been bad enough freaking out in front of Kurt the other day. It hadn't bothered her so much that Jean and Rogue had been there, but she wanted to be strong for Kurt. He had so much more to deal with than any of the rest of them yet he never complained. She was still ashamed enough of her breakdown at the lake two weeks ago, there was no excuse for a repeat performance.

She came back to herself with a start and, realizing that she'd come to the edge of the orchard already, slowed her pace. Thinking about the conversation with her mother had brought the shame and frustration flooding back and she wanted to collect herself before she met Kurt. There'd been days these last two weeks when she'd wished that she hadn't forced her family to abandon their subterfuge. Days when she didn't want to know how *she* had destroyed their carefully constructed life. Today was one of them.

Taking deep, calming breaths as Ms. Munroe had taught them in yoga, she tried to let go of the roiling kettle of negative emotions that was threatening to overwhelm her. She let her gaze shift to admire the myriad pink and white blossoms just beginning to adorn the neat rows of pear and apple trees. As their heady scent flooded her senses, she felt some of the tension begin to drain from her. Moving on, she quickly found the well-worn trail leading to the edge of the woods and then on to their usual gathering place. Kurt was right, no one ever came in here unless they had to - no one except he and Logan anyway.

It was cooler in the shade of the trees, though it was early enough in the year that it really wasn't much darker than on the lawn. The first leaves just coming out on the trees gave the daylight a faintly greenish, filtered cast. It was, she had to admit, much less intimidating than it had been in fall or winter. Almost beautiful in fact. Clumps of wildflowers that were never tolerated in the carefully manicured lawns of the Institute abounded in the shelter of the woods.

She was, she realized, still too keyed up to meet Kurt. He'd sense it and she didn't want to have their time together be about her problems. She slowed again, this time to gather a bouquet of delicate, vividly colored blooms as she walked, giving herself time to calm further.

Kurt had enough problems of his own, and she refused to add her own to them. If anything, she was hoping that this time alone might give her an opportunity to try and draw him out on what was bothering him. She was certain he wasn't sleeping well and the whole thing with his tail really had her worried. Enough that she was starting to consider taking her concerns to the Professor, betrayal or not. Something was seriously wrong there, she was sure of it.

She gathered a last bundle of variegated blossoms and sighed in resignation. She didn't want to turn their time alone together into an interrogation, but they'd had so little of it this week and she had so many questions eating at her. There'd certainly be no chance to talk with him tomorrow, not if they were spending the entire day in Jean and Scott's company.

She grimaced at the thought. It wasn't that she didn't want to go. It was really very considerate, not to mention generous, of the Professor to give his 'senior students' a say in the final refurnishing of the mansion.

Sending the four of them into the City to make the final decisions on an assortment of accessories and fixtures was, he said, only a small gesture, considering that the Institute was really as much their home as it was his and she appreciated the thought, really she did. Two weeks ago she would have been foaming at the mouth as badly as Amara at the chance to go - especially considering the dinner reservations at an up-scale Manhattan bistro and tickets to one of Broadway's more popular shows. But right now what she really would have preferred was the opportunity to spend the weekend with Kurt, trying to get all the strange and confusing odds and ends of their strange and confusing relationship sorted out.

Amara had been almost beside herself with jealousy when she found out. Despite all her moaning and begging - especially when Rogue and Evan had declined the honor - she and the other New Recruits had to be satisfied with a budget to accessorize their rooms at the local mall and the explanation that seniority did, indeed, have its privileges.

Kitty couldn't suppress a giggle at the memory of the disgusted look on the younger girl's face as she'd glared at Rogue and then stormed from the room. She simply couldn't imagine how *anyone* could turn down an opportunity she would almost be willing to kill for.

Tucking the final additions to her bouquet neatly into her arms Kitty marveled at the sheer multitude she'd managed to collect in such a short time. She smiled as she wondered just what Kurt would make of her when she arrived, laden with flowers. Speaking of which...she glanced at her watch. _Eep! Almost five-thirty, time to get a move on._

6

¿Pero cómo yo podría resistir su belleza? - but how could I resist your beauty? Blame my hubby if this is wrong, as I'm relying on his somewhat rusty knowledge of Spanish grammar (he disagreed w/freetranslation.com and I decided to go with him). Oh, and feel free to tell me how to say it properly if it is wrong.