Running to Stand Still

Logan looked out the open window from the library, eyes drawn by a flash of red hair and ears by the sound of laughter. He hadn't heard Kat laugh in at least a month; it was March already, and an unseasonably warm day that had her in cutoff shorts and a t-shirt, running after Remy barefoot with a watergun.

He made himself remember that she wasn't even 19 yet, had lost the ability years ago to act like a child, but she was still a woman. Fate had seen to that transformation, more mental than physical.

Remy tackled her and tickled her, confiscating her watergun and getting her wet. She shrieked and took off after him, disappearing around the corner.

"Awe-inspiring, isn't it?"

He turned to find Xavier there, hands calmly folded on his lap.

"What do you mean?"

Xavier's smile was gentle. "That she can act like a child and a woman at the same time. There's a part of her that wants to trust everyone like she did years ago, when things were safe. The woman, the part that is taking over now, has lost that ability."

"She's not a child by any means."

"Not in the important ways." Xavier held up a placating hand. "Her age is meaningless in the face of her maturity; I wasn't questioning your relationship with her. She's so much stronger than she was when she first came here. You're part of that, part of her strength."

"I kind of screwed that up," Logan replied, sitting down in the chair next to Xavier. They watched as Remy came sneaking back around the corner, only to be blasted by Kat, who was now in possession of a much larger watergun. Rogue came up behind her with another one and they both laughed and ran after Remy. "She's so much happier without me."

Xavier shook his head. "In some ways, yes, she is. She's forced herself to deal with what happened, with the fact that she killed again and that it was because of you she did so. She's trying to weigh her love for you against the thought that, if it comes down to it, she'll kill for you again. Kat hasn't lived as long as you have or been through the things you have; her power scares her, but what she can do with that power scares her even more."

"She's been talking to you, I guess." At a nod, he sighed. "I don't feel like I can give her everything she needs. She needs a family, and I'm not that. She needs a mom and a dad and brothers and sisters. I can't give her those things."

"She's got all of us, Logan." Xavier turned to watch him. "And she's got you. You filled a void inside her, you healed her, and that part of her that you filled is empty right now. I'm not saying to walk down there and act like nothing has changed, but please realize that in order for her to completely heal this time, she's going to need you."

Logan nodded, half to himself and half in recognition of Xavier. "Thanks, Chuck." He walked away, leaving the Professor smiling after him.

He found her in the garden later that afternoon, sitting in the shade and idly picking the heads off of dead marigolds. She had her shoes off.

"Hey."

"Hey," she said, looking up at him. Her smile was lazy and happy, and real. "It's been weird not seeing you very much." She automatically reached for his hand when he sat down next to her.

"The room doesn't smell as good without you there," he replied. He smiled faintly when her fingers rubbed between his knuckles. "I've missed you."

She nodded. "I missed you, too. I was thinking maybe I could move my stuff back into the room, maybe tonight or tomorrow. If it's okay with you." Her eyes as she looked at him held a hint of asking for his approval. Of what, he wasn't sure.

"I don't have a problem with it." He looked down, then met her eyes again. "Are you sure you're ready?"

"Maybe, maybe not. I've had a month to deal with everything and I don't think it's going to get any easier." She sighed, hand tightening slightly on his. "I don't want to do this any more. I don't want to tiptoe around and act like it didn't happen. For God's sake, Logan, I killed him. We keep tip-toeing around that like it never happened."

Kat looked at him, daring him to look away, but he held her gaze steadily. "It scares the shit out of me that I have this power, that I can hurt people with it. I'm scared to death that I'm going to hurt you, and even more scared that you trust me enough not to."

Logan reached out, placing his hand on her shoulders, skin to skin. She immediately calmed. "It's ok, darlin'. Killing doesn't make you a monster; you've done it twice in defense, and there's nothing wrong with that." He couldn't help feeling relief when she scooted closer to him, taking shelter in his embrace.

"You don't see me any differently?"

"No, I don't." He ran his fingers through her hair. "Do you see me any differently, knowing that I can kill so easily?"

She shook her head. "I never could. God, not ever." She leaned her face into his neck, lips soft and warm against his pulse.

"Then there's no reason for me to see you differently." He took her chin in his hand, making her look at him again. "I love you so goddamned much, Kat, nothing could ever change that."

She smiled tremulously, hand coming up to touch his cheek as she raised her face to his.

They kissed, all the hurt and need of the past month poured into it and leaving them both gasping for air.

"God," Logan breathed, hand cupping the back of her neck. "It's almost like I've never touched you before."

Kat laughed softly. "Yeah, it is." She got to her feet, pulling him up with her. "We can move my stuff back later. Right now, I want …" She trailed off, blushing furiously.

Logan couldn't help the grin that spread over his face. "Me too, darlin'. Let's go."

They managed to not run into anyone on the way to their room but didn't manage not to grope each other. Clothes littered the floor between the locked door and the bed where theyded,ded, bodies aching from the month apart.

She sat in his lap with him sitting up, long legs wrapped around his waist so tight that it took him a few minutes to make her let him go long enough to get a condom on. Once that was done she took over, showing him with her mouth and hands that she was the one in charge; he figured he deserved the punishment after shutting her out of his life the way he had.

Slowly she sank down on him, taking him in an inch at a time, loving the feel of power she got as he trembled beneath her. When he was in to the hilt she stopped moving, only kissing him. He shook in her arms, wanting to move but giving her control over him, giving her something no other woman had gotten from him before.

Just when he thought he was going to explode she began to rock her hips, gently at first, hands on the headboard behind him to gain leverage. His own hands encircled her waist but stayed still, itching to bring her down hard on him while he thrust up into her. When she leaned in to kiss him again he wrapped her hair around his fist, feeding on her mouth and kissing her hard enough that her teeth cut into her lip.

Her back arched and brought him deeper inside, thrusting her breasts into his face. He flicked his tongue across a nipple and nibbled around it, biting hard enough on the inside of her breast to bring a long, low moan from her; he sucked hard on the bitemark and left a red patch on her skin. He shifted his attention to her neck and left another bite on her collarbone.

Kat began to move faster, hips grinding into his every time she came down, bringing herself close to the edge. She felt his fingers locked tight on her waist, her own digging into his back hard enough that her nails began to draw blood.

A low growl rumbled up from Logan's chest. They moved together now, his hands bringing her down hard against him, bruising them both but enhancing the pleasure. His powerful muscles rippled as he thrust up into her, feeling himself bump deep inside her hard enough to make her whimper with each thrust.

She bit her lip but couldn't keep herself from crying out as she climaxed, body shuddering; she was dimly aware of Logan falling over the edge as well, his arms locked tight around her as he shook with her.

Her head rested against his neck when they had both calmed down, and she cried. All the heartache and confusind pnd pain she'd felt in the past month hit her like a freight train and she shook in his arms, body wracked with sobs.

"Oh, baby," he whispered, smoothing his hand over her hair, then over her back. "Shh, I'm here, darlin'." He held her until the tears stopped, only getting up briefly to get rid of the condom, but he came back to her immediately, gathering her into his arms.

"I'm so tired, Logan," she whispered, her head cradled against his chest. "Tired of not knowing if I'm a girl or a woman or neither."

"You're definitely a woman," he said, only half-joking. "You can be both, you know. There's situations where you have to be one or the other, but there's nothing wrong with being both."

Kat reached for his hand, entwining their fingers. "You'll protect me when I decide I want to be a kid?"

"Always." He reached out and turned the lamp off, pulling the covers up over both of them. "Sleep, darlin', I'll be here." He smiled to himself as he felt her body relax. "I'll always be here."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

This is the end of the road, at least for this fic. I have a short drabble I wrote, currently in my LiveJournal memories but I suppose I should write it up here.

I've started a sequel of sorts, set 6 or 7 years in the future. More angst, more sex, more of all the good stuff. Don't know when this will go up, though.

Thank you to everyone for reviewing t for for all the support and feedback. I've always been scared of putting my work out for public consumption, but you guys have made all the difference.