Winter of Our Discontent

Remy woke with a start. His head hurt like hell and his stomach was

threatening to spill its contents. He tried to move but he felt

himself being held down. He began to panic, thrashing his arms and

legs to release himself from whatever was holding him.



"Shhh, darlin' it's all right. It's just me, I got ya'. Relax,

you're all right," Logan whispered in Remy's ear trying to calm

him. "It's all right," he repeated. Remy calmed some, as he realized

that is was Logan holding him, but he was still on the verge of

throwing up and so he kept trying to break free.



"Gonna be sick," his voice was little more than a croaking sound but

Logan heard him and relaxed his hold on the boy. Remy scrambled from

the bed and made it to the bathroom just in time to empty his

stomach. Logan was right behind him holding him again and stroking

his hair and back soothingly.



"It's ok, kid," he said softly. "It's ok." Logan kept rubbing his

back lightly as Remy continued to be sick.

"Sorry," Remy managed to whisper. He pushed back against Logan

gently to let him know that he was finished. "I'm really sorry."

Logan left Remy's side for a moment to wet a towel with cold water,

then he returned to place it against the young man's forehead.

"You don't need to apologize to me, Rem. If anyone should apologize

it's me." Logan told him and Remy gave his lover a puzzled look.

"What d' y' mean, Cher? Why should you apologize? I'm de one

throwin' up all over de place." Remy brought the cool cloth up,

covering his face and closed his eyes. "Cuz I'm the reason you're

gettin' sick," Logan told him somberly. "Because of me and my

nightmares you got it in yer head to use your empathy to help me out

and ya' made yourself sick," the feral explained with an irritated

tone. "And this is the third time that you've done it too. That day

at the mansion, then in Minnesota and again last night." Logan's

voice trailed off as he remembered the feeling of peace that came

over him after each empathic rub from the Cajun. Remy slowly removed

the cloth from his face and stared at Logan for a moment. "How…?"



"Hank." Logan replied, cutting him off. "I called him yesterday when

I found you passed out on the floor." Remy continued to stare at him

as the feral went on. "I couldn't wake you up, at first, and then

when you finally came around you were talkin' nonsense." Logan

looked at the floor as he admitted, "I panicked... and called Hank.

I wasn't sure if I was gonna have to bring you back to him... at the

mansion." Logan moved to his lover and wrapped him in his arms. "He

told me it was your empathy, Rem... that this happened before. Hank

said you were overtaxing your body. That the reason I've been

feeling so good lately was because you were keeping the bad feelings

from surfacing." Logan held the young man tighter. "I love you for

wanting to protect me, Rem, but you can't keep doing this to

yourself."



"I'm sorry, Logan." Remy replied and looked down at the floor. Logan

reached out and lifted Remy's chin with his fingertips.

"You have nothin' to apologize for, Darlin. I'm not angry, I'm just

worried about ya'. You need to stop doin' this. If I got you here

with me when I wake from the nightmares, and yer here for me to hold

me when I'm hurtin', that's enough, that's more than enough. Ok?"

Logan told him softly as he continued to rub gentle circles on the

younger man's back. Remy nodded and smiled softly at his lover, then

he moved forward to embrace the older man.

"Love y' Logan," Remy told him, relieved. Logan held tight to the

boy and whispered back to him.

"Love ya too kid."

~*~*~*~*~

It was nearly lunchtime when they finally checked out of the room

and started out again for the cabin. Remy asked again if he could

drive and Logan once again told him no.



"Driving keeps me occupied, Rem. If I was to just be sittin' there

with nothin' to do I'd lose my mind."



"I can believe dat," Remy replied sulkily. "Nothin' t' do but watch

de trees passin' by over here." With that he put his feet up on the

dashboard and looked out the window. Logan glanced at him a few

times then decided to take this opportunity to do as Hank suggested.

"Can I ask you something, Rem?" The sound of Logan's sincere tone

gained the Cajun's undivided attention and Remy turned toward the

man beside him.



"Course, cher. You can ask me anyt'ing."



"What did ya think….ya know… when ya saw the files... the Weapon X

file?" Logan's tone reflected that he'd already decided what

LeBeau's reaction was going to be. His voice held a hint of sorrow -

for the information hidden away inside those files and for what it

could destroy for him, if the person finding the file were to judge

him without knowing the full story. Remy sat upright quickly.

"I didn't read them, cher, I swear. I only saw de title and your

name on de list. I didn't read them." Logan smiled slightly at

Remy's panic, feeling a little better that the kid seemed to be just

as scared about being judged falsely as Logan was. "I know ya didn't

kid, but ya must've been thinkin somethin." Logan continued, trying

to lead the young X-Man into that particular arena so they could get

it out in the open. He didn't want his past to rear up one day and

bite him in the ass. Remy sat for a moment contemplating what he

wanted to say, turning away to look back out the window, then he

started slowly.



"I t'ought... dat it was strange... dat y' volunteered for de Weapon

X program." Remy admitted and Logan sat quietly for a moment,

shocked by LeBeau's words.



"I did no such thing, Remy," Logan responded as evenly as he could,

although stunned. Remy turned to look at him, a bit confused.

"But, de file say..."



"I don't care what that file says!" Logan replied strongly in

defense, then checked his temper. The expression on his face told

Remy clearly that the feral man was kicking himself for shouting at

him. He watched as Logan took a slow deep breath before offering an

explanation. "The files are wrong, Rem. It's a purposeful

misrepresentation; the government does it all the time to cover

their own asses. It's called 'plausible deniability'."

With that he paused while checking for traffic coming up behind him

to his left as he merged onto the highway and Remy waited patiently,

watching the feral as he considered what he was hearing. Once he'd

gotten the jeep onto the highway and chose a lane for travel, Logan

put his attention back on Remy.

"I was military, plain an' simple. When the government came up with

this new weapons project, they simply looked around within the ranks

for "volunteers". They already knew some of us were mutants, pretty

obvious I guess after so many conflicts, gettin' hit and healin'

before they can evac ya... or even get a medic to ya, ya know?" He

paused again as the memories began to replay themselves in his head.

Remy nodded to the question, his eyes glued to the brawny Canadian

as he listened. Logan finally went on, his voice soft and quiet as

he didn't want to scare the kid sitting beside him. "I was the best

at what I did... and what I did was kill. I was a soldier, Rem...

but some o' the things they had me do... I really had to do without

thinkin' too much about it, ya' know? I had to become hard... harder

than the missions they sent us on. To survive, sometimes ya' gotta

steel yer heart, ya' know? Just to get through it." Remy understood

that and he nodded silently. "After a while, they found they could

use me for more... sensitive missions. The kind ya' don't wanna drop

an entire team in the middle of... I was quick and relentless... The

missions... changed me... hardened me more than I knew or cared...

When it came to "kill or be killed" I had no mercy, Rem. The

military goons saw that... they saw a future for me... a future for

themselves using me... "



Remy listened intently, his whole body tensing up in the seat beside

the feral X-Man and he was unaware of it. His expression was intense

as he stared at his lover, trying to imagine the things Logan was

forced to do for his military superiors.



"I don't remember a whole lot about Weapon X... what they did to

me... what they did to turn me into a mindless assassin... But that

ain't me, Rem." He turned pleading eyes toward the young Cajun

beside him, "It wasn't me... it was what they turned me into... I

have some flashes now an' again... nightmares. I can't make head nor

tails of 'em, but they ain't good, Rem. I know I didn't volunteer

for that Project. I know it in my soul. Understand? They used me.

They took me... they forced me... " Logan stopped suddenly and

LeBeau watched as the rugged man beside him swallowed back hidden

emotions, trying to control... what? Remy tilted his head as he

studied the man beside him. Watched him as jaw muscles clenched,

nostrils flared. Watched him blink back tears that threatened to

spill and watched as Logan dropped his head forward in shame and

whispered, "They hurt me, Rem... they hurt me in ways I can't even

describe....... they made me forget who I am, who I was...... they

took everythin' I had....... they stole me, from me."



With that admission finally spoken aloud, Logan sank into his own

thoughts. Shamed into silence, ashamed for what had happened to him,

ashamed for not being able to stop them, ashamed for what he'd

become. He couldn't bring himself to look at the young man sitting

beside him, not after admitting that out loud. He felt like he

wanted to be sick. He tried to hide all of this as he stared out the

windshield. A moment later he fished out a cigar and lit it,

cracking the window slightly.



Remy said nothing. He just stared at the older mutant. Logan

puffed on his cigar and stared out at the road, wishing that Remy

would say something and yet dreading it at the same moment. He was

sure that the young man would tell him that he wanted to leave.

That he could not be with someone who had done such terrible things.

He couldn't help it, a tear made its way down his cheek.

Remy could say nothing. He could not find any words that would be

adequate to comfort Logan. He wanted to say so much and yet no

words would come to mind. He knew he had to do something. Say

something that would let Logan know that it was all right. That he

loved him. When he still could not find his voice to tell Logan how

he felt he decided to take other action.



Logan was about to tell Remy that he understood if he wanted to

leave him. Was about to tell him that he would let him out at the

next town and he could go back to the mansion when he was suddenly

embraced by the kid.



"Oomph!" Logan's breath was knocked out of him as the kid jumped him

and wrapped his arms around his neck. "Jesus kid…..hang on…"

Logan tried to keep the jeep under control as Remy bumped the

steering wheel. He also had to keep his cigar from burning his

lover who seemed to be trying to climb onto his lap. "Remy.. what

the hell?!" Logan finally got the jeep pulled over to the side of

the road after crossing into several lanes and in front of a tractor

trailer whose driver leaned on the horn, scaring the daylights out

of him. "Remy what the hell are ya thinking?!"



Remy was wedged between Logan and the steering wheel. He still had

not said anything. Logan pried Remy off of him and guided him back

to his seat. "You wanna tell me what that was all about? You

nearly got us killed back there!" Remy continued to stare out the

window not saying a word. He wrapped his arms around himself and

struggled not to cry. Logan looked at the younger man for a few

minutes. When Remy was still silent, he sighed and slowly edged the

jeep back onto the highway.



It was several minutes before Remy spoke. "I'm sorry Logan." He

whispered. "I'm so sorry."



Logan looked over at his boy. "Sorry for what, Rem?" He asked

gently.



Remy looked at his lover. He wanted to tell him he was sorry for

what the government did do him, that he had believed Logan had been

a willing participant in their madness. He wanted to tell him he

was sorry for all his nightmares, real and imagined. He wanted to

tell him he was sorry for what the X-men made him do in their name.

He wanted to hold him and protect him and love him. His mouth

opened to tell him all that but only the word "Everyt'ing" came out.

He was not sure Logan wanted him to hold him, to love him. He had

believed them. He believed those who hurt him, who terrorized him.

Why would he now want Remy anywhere near him?



Logan gave Remy a long look and then sighed as he realized that the

boy was not going to say anything else. The miles and hours on the

road seemed endless. Logan was thinking on all he had said to Remy

and he had no idea what the hell Remy was thinking about. It was

getting dark and Logan decided that they should get a room and some

food. He drove another 30 miles, the silence making the ride

unbearable. He finally spotted a decent looking motel with a diner

attached. "You hungry, Rem?" Logan asked quietly. He got no

response from the boy. "Fine" He sighed. "I'm gonna pull in here

and get a something to eat and then get a room. Logan looked over at

his lover and placed a hand in his shoulder. He whispered. "If you

want to leave, Remy, I understand…. Just don't leave without saying

goodbye, ok?" He removed his hand from Remy and stepped out of the

jeep and into the hotel. Remy watched him go then turned to look

out the window once again.



**********

Logan looked over at the door again, just as he had every few

seconds since he sat down. The kid still hadn't come in the diner

and he was getting worried. He looked down at his plate of food,

still untouched and back at the waitress who seemed to be talking to

him. The door opened and Logan spun around from the counter only to

find a couple standing in the doorway. He silently watched them

walk to a booth and get settled as his heart sank. He looked back

at the waitress "scuse me?" He asked.

"I asked if you were waiting for someone." She replied. The way you

turned when the door opened I figured you were expecting someone."

Logan looked to the door and then back at the waitress. Did he

really think Remy was going to stick around after what he knew? "If

the kid is smart he'll cut his losses and head back to the mansion

with Ro or someplace where he can start fresh without all my

baggage." He thought to himself.

Logan pulled some money out of his pocket and threw it on the

counter. He opened the door and stepped into the cold, night air.

He took a deep breath and headed back to the jeep. As he approached

he looked in the window and stopped dead in his tracks. The jeep

was empty. Remy was no longer in the passenger seat. Logan felt

panic setting in. Though he had thought it, he didn't want Remy to

go away. He looked back in the diner and around the parking lot,

his breath now coming in short breaths. "He left." He said out

loud. Logan fought to get himself under control. "Of course he

left, you idiot, what did you expect him to do after that little

display you put on earlier." Logan looked around again, turning in a

circle. He glanced back at the jeep hoping that he had missed

something, that Remy would be there. It was just as empty as it had

been the first time he looked. Logan closed his eyes and turned his

face towards the sky, tears beginning to fall over his cheeks as he

took a deep breath. He felt alone. More alone then he had felt in

a long time. He opened his eyes and took another deep breath. He

suddenly felt tired; exhausted as if the life was being drained out

of him. He looked over at the motel and sighed. Slowly walking

over to the entrance, his vision blurred from the tears he was still

shedding.

He opened the door to the lobby and walked over to the desk. Not

seeing anyone there he rang the bell. "Just a minute" came a voice

from the room behind the desk. Logan looked at his reflection in

the window. He looked like hell. He noticed a restroom across the

room and figured he would use it to clean up a bit. Shutting the

door, he looked at himself in the mirror. There were bags under

his eyes and he absently noted that he hadn't shaved in days as his

fingers ran over the dark stubble on his chin. The lines around his

mouth looked like valleys carved into his skin. He was sure if he

looked close enough there would be more than a few gray hairs on his

head. He looked….old. "That's because you are old, you idiot. Old

enough to know better than to run off with some kid on some fool

adventure." He scolded himself as he splashed cold water over his

face. "Did you really expect him to stay? Did you really expect him

to give up his friends and his home to run off to the middle of

nowhere?" He grabbed for some paper towels and began to pat his

face dry. "Did you really expect him to stay with you after you

spouted off like some madman about something that happened over 20

years ago?" He looked at himself in the mirror once more. Tears

were threatening to fall again. "Yes" He thought. That is exactly

what he expected.

Wiping his eyes roughly with his fingers he pulled open the door and

started toward the desk again. "Can I help you?" The old man behind

the counter asked.

Logan sighed and answered quietly. " I need a room. Not sure for

how long."

The old man leaned over the counter a bit to get a better look at

Logan. The mutant narrowed his eyes a bit, not liking being

scrutinized. "You own that jeep out there? The old man asked

pointing out the window. "The one with the trailer?"

Logan followed the man's finger and then turned back to

answer. "Yeah" He responded. "There a problem with it being parked

there?"

The old man shook his head. " Nope, no problem at all. Just that a

younger fella came in here a little while ago and registered for a

room. Told me another man might be in inquiring about a room who

owned the jeep. Said to look for a little..."

Logan cut the man off in mid sentence. "What room ? He asked

quickly.

The old man looked at the register on the desk. " Room 12 down

the end.." Logan was out the door and running before the man could

finish.

Remy had just finished putting their things away and was about to

join Logan at the diner when the door burst open. Logan stood in

the doorway looking at his lover. "Rem?" He whispered.

Remy turned sharply when he heard his name. His eyes were puffy and

there were dark circles under them from crying but to Logan they

were the two most beautiful eyes he had ever seen.

"Oh, cher." Remy said softly as he walked toward Logan. "I am so

sorry." I never should have believed..." Logan moved quickly and

grabbed Remy, pulling him into a bone crushing embrace and covering

his lips with his own. Remy was startled for a moment and then

wrapped his arms about Logan's waist. Logan brought his hands up to

Remy's hair and held tight to his lover.

After a few moments their lips parted and Logan pulled Remy tight

against him. Remy laid his head on Logan's shoulder and wrapped his

arms tight around him. "Logan, I.." Remy whispered.

"Shhhh, Darlin', it's all right. " Logan ran his hands slowly up

and down Remy's back. Remy lifted his head and pressed his lips

against Logan's, kissing him deeply. He pulled back a bit and then

began to kiss along the stubbled jaw of his lover. Logan closed his

eyes and inhaled deeply. Remy's lips moved down to his lover's neck

and he began to nip and suck gently at the skin, moving along

towards the older man's ear. When he reached it he sucked the

earlobe between his teeth and bit down gently. He kissed the

sensitive shell of Logan's ear let the tip of his tongue glide along

the folds. Logan moaned and brought his hands to Remy's waist and

guided him back toward the bed. Remy caught the mattress with the

back of his legs and tumbled onto it, bringing Logan down on top of

him. Remy laughed and Logan kissed him once again. Remy brought

his hands up and tangled his fingers his lover's thick hair. Logan

moved his hands down and was pushing up Remy's shirt when the

younger man broke the kiss and panted, "Don' y' t'ink we better

close de door, Cher?"