In Fear of Three Little Words

Chapter 12


Jean stood outside the Professor’s office door, debating on whether or not to confront him with what she thought she knew. Discomfort rolled through her, trying to get out, trying to dissuade her from approaching. Yet she felt a certain obligation to the household. Any one of them could have been captured. Any one of them could have suffered the horrors that Logan and Kurt suffered.

She glanced up and down the hall and sighed. Everyone was finally off to school including Scott with his early morning college class. All, except for Kurt, still up in the infirmary recovering. They had all been put on high alert and the Professor only allowed Scott to go into the city with Ororo along. This was serious when even Scott couldn’t travel alone.

Not that having another person along had made any difference to Kurt or Logan. They had still been taken captive. But they hadn’t been aware that they were in imminent danger. Now they all knew and precautions had been taken until something had been done about Trask.

‘Jean, please come in.’ The Professor’s tone in her head sounded weary.

She opened the door and found him at his desk, typing away on his laptop. He looked up and motioned her to a chair.

“I’ve been waiting for you, Jean. You are disturbed and wish to talk.”

She sighed again and slid into a c acr across the desk from him.

“I...I’m not sure what I want to say. I’m just concerned.”

“About Kurt?”

“And Logan.”

The Professor nodded. “Go on,” he said, but didn’t sound particularly eager.

“These images keep flashing in my mind. I’m trying not to listen in on Kurt’s thoughts. Honestly, I’m not, but his trauma is difficult to block out. It’s like standing in front of a stereo with the sound turned up to full volume then suddenly it’s turned off then on again. He’s trying not to project, but he is, so very loud and clear.”

“I’m aware of Kurt’s thoughts as well. He’s...confused right now, Jean. And traumatized as you said.”

Jean glanced away, studying a painting on the wall. “Before Logan left, he projected as well. That whole night after we found them and brought them home...it was something out of a horror movie.” She turned back and met the Professor’s gaze. “But not all of it. Some of it was extremely...intimate.”

“Jean, we need to work on your mental walls. You must build up your walls to protect yourself from other’s thoughts. Particularly private thoughts.”

Looking down at her lap, Jean said, “I know. I’m sorry. I don’t want to hear these things, but sometimes they’re so strong, so forcefully projected. And this isn’t about me, Professor. This is about and and Logan and what was done to them. These tests, these experiments weren’t just about testing their endurance or their capacity to withstand pain.”

Professor Xavier gazed at Jean for a long silent moment, but Jean held her ground, her gaze not flinching.

“Ah, Jean. What to do with another telepath in the house.”

“Kurt was assaulted, wasn’t he? Sexually.”

The Professor looked away this time and tapped the desk top with uneasy fingers. “Kurt was afraid of this, you know. He was scared that you’d read his thoughts and know.”

“It must have been terrible,” Jean replied. “What kind of man can do that to another person? Was Logan assaulted as well?”

“Hmmm. So you haven’t put all the pieces together, Miss Jean Grey.”

She gave him a questioning look. “What?”

“Jean, I must insist that this go no further. You can not tell Scott or any one else about what I’m about to tell you. But I’m afraid when Logan returns you will want to talk again so I’m going to finish it now. Yes, if being forced into unwanted sex is rape then Logan was raped just as surely as Kurt was. Neither chose what happened.”

The pieces started falling into place with the Professor’s words. The images arranged themselves into a pattern, finally making sense.

“My god, Professor. Logan raped Kurt.”

He nodded, his eyes closing. Jean saw the pain on the Professor’s face, the sense that he had somehow failed his team members.

“How? Why? Logan would never do such a thing.”

“He was given an injection. Whatever it was zeroed in on certain primal desires. The creators of this drug may have been aiming for something else or not, we don’t know though I think Trask knew what would happened. The drug targeted a primal center. Sexual need. Logan fought it and Kurt fought him. The situation didn’t end well.”

Jean’s mind reeled, trying to back peddle away from what she now knew. She shook her head. “But there’s more to it. Not all the images are of rape, of sex yes, but not rape.”

The Professor’s expression showed his reluctance, but he finally said, “Their captors forced a second injection on Logan.”

“Oh no, Professor.”

“Yes, I’m afraid so. But this time Kurt and Logan worked together to make it...less an ordeal.”

“Oh.” Realization dawned. “It all makes sense now. The images and thoughts make sense.” Jean nearly started from her chair. “How are they going to live with this? How are they going to manage?”

“I’m afraid that is something that Kurt and Logan will have to work out between them. I’ve sensed a bond forming even with all that’s happened. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. Only time will tell.” The Professor rolled around his desk and up to Jean. He reached out and took her hand. “Now do you understand why we must keep this from the others?”

“Yes, yes, of course.”

“Now, the difficult part. Kurt has a right to know that you know.”

Jean flinched. “I...suppose you’re right.”

‘Kurt?’ the Professor sent out.

‘Yes, Professor,’ Kurt responded after a moment’s pause.

‘Do you feel up to coming to my office for a moment?’

‘Yes. Be right there.’

Kurt “ported” into the room, landing a little harder than normal. He grabbed his ribs and sucked air in shallow breaths.

“Ow. I think the pain killers have me a little muddled still,” Kurt muttered then looked up to find Jean sitting in a chair across from the Professor. “Oh, I should have knocked. I can leave.”

“No, please sit. How are you feeling this morning?”

Kurt’s expression turned wary, mind clo aro around his thoughts. “Okay, I guess. I don’t heal so quick as Logan. But I’m better...accept for a weeks worth of Chemistry I’ll never catch up on.”

“You excel at Chemistry. You’ll catch up soon enough.” The Professor steepled his fingers and cleared his throat. “I need to tell you something, Kurt.”

“Is Logan all right?” Kurt asked anxiously.

The Professor nodded. “Yes, I heard from him this morning. He’s fine.”

Kurt relaxed, but then his gaze focused on Jean and Jean saw in his yellow eyes a fear she’d never seen there. Perhaps she had made a mistake pushing to know.

“She knows,” Kurt stated. His tone was dismal. “Jean knows what happened.”

“I’m afraid between you and Logan broadcasting your thoughts a little too loudly Jean put together most of the pieces.”

Kurt crossed his arms and stared out the window.

“I’m sorry, Kurt,” Jean said. “I didn’t mean to pry. I really didn’t want to know. But your trauma just kept beating at my defenses.”

“I’ll try to keep my trauma to myself next time,” Kurt said sullenly. “Who’s next? Scott? Kitty? Rogue?”

“No one else will know, Kurt. I promise,” Jean said, leaning towards him.

He didn’t seem to believe her. He sat, looking tired and defeated. Images of beatings and unimaginable tortures cascaded through Jean’s mind and the pain of rape still so fresh in Kurt’s, constantly being pushed away to some corner of his brain.

“You can’t tell Logan that you know,” Kurt stated, gaze latching onto Jean’s then flicking to the Professor’s.”

“Kurt, I don’t know that I can keep----” the Professor began.

“No! You don’t understand.” Kurt shoved up out of his chair, fists clenched. “Logan will leave and never come back. His honor can not take the thought of Jean knowing, of one more single person knowing what he was forced to do, what we had to do. He already blames himself. He thinks he should have been able to fight the drug, but no one could have. Not even L. H. He fears the loss of your trust, the loss of your loyalty.” Kurt was on the verge of tears, his accent thicker than normal. “If everyone knows, Logan couldn’t face that...and neither could I.” Kurt sat again, all energy seemingly drained from him. “Let me and Logan deal with this in our own way. Let us deal with each other.”

Professor Xavier said nothing for a long time then finally nodded.

“Your words have merit, Kurt. I’ll do as you ask and Jean, no one...absolutely no one is to know that you know. Understood?”

“Yes, Professor. I’m sorry I’ve caused more trouble.”

“Your heart was in the right place. But we are going to start in depth sessions on blocking others’ thoughts. Your walls are not nearly thick or high enough.”

She nodded.

“If that’s all, I’ll just go back to the infirmary and curl up into fetal position for a few days,” Kurt stated.

“Would you rather do so in your own room?” the Professor asked.

Kurt’s demeanor brightened. “Could I?”

“I’ll check with Hank and if he gives the all clear, then you may return to your own quarters. But nothing too physical and no training sessions until Hank okays it. Understood?”

“Absolutely, Professor. My ribs won’t take a training session right now anyway.”

“And, while you’re here, I spoke with your school counselor about your “accident.” If all goes well, you may return to school next Monday. Rogue and Kitty are in charge of bringing your work home. I’ll expect you to try to get as much of it done as possible. This is your senior year, we don’t want you falling behind now.”

Kurt nodded. “I’ll do my best. Now may I go curl up in fetal position for a while?”

Jean sensed a touch of Kurt’s usual humor trying to get through his dour state.

“For a while,” the Professor said with a gentle smile. “Rest when you need to. Don’t over do it. And I’d like for you to come down for dinnenighnight.”

Kurt hesitated then nodded again. “I can do that.” He turned to Jean. “I’ll try to keep the volume down, okay?”

She offered him a smile. “Okay. And I’ll try to keep my walls up.”

Kurt vanished in a cloud of smoke.

“I feel terrible,” Jean said. “I thought I’d feel better, getting it off my chest. But I just put the burden further on Kurt, didn’t I?”

“It does seem so.”

Jean rose and smoothed back her hair. “Do you think Kurt is right? Would Logan leave us and never come back?”

“It’s possible. Logan’s not used to being vulnerable. He was caught seriously off guard then had a team mate used against him. He may feel his honor has been sullied. And he may very well fear a lack of understanding from us. I’m afraid I touched that vulnerable spot the other day without realizing it. This is truly a test for him. We shall have to wait and see what happens, with Logan and between him and Kurt.”