In Fear of Three Little Words

Chapter 10


“Breakfast. Rise and shine, my favorite blue fuzzy elf.”

Kurt rolled over with a groan and with one eye open stared at Kitty, half on one side of the door, the other half on the other side. She held a tray filled with covered dishes.

Kurt’s stomach did a flip flop. He’d managed some soup the night before, but it had sat heavy on his empty stomach. Now something was doing battle inside his belly and he hoped hunger won.

Kitty moved through the door with a smile on her pretty bright face. Her eyes sparkled and Kurt wondered if she was going to laugh or cry.

“Hi Kitty,” Kurt managed to say though his mouth felt like mush. He struggled up to a sitting position, wincing at the waking aches and pains of his battered body.

Kitty rushed to set down the tray. “Here, let me help,” she said, working the bed control then fluffing his pillows and arranging them just so.

Kurt tried to smile, but the pulling hurt his swollen lip. “Thank you. I’m all right.”

But Kitty looked on the verge of tears. She turned away.

“Kitty, it’s okay.” A sudfearfear rose up inside Kurt that Kitty knew what had happened. That the whole house knew. “I’ll be fine in a few days...really,” he choked out, hoping she believed him when he didn’en ben believe himself.

She turned back with those too bright eyes. “We were just, you know, worried about you and Logan. Really worried.”

“I know.” Kurt bowed his head. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be silly. There’s nothing for you to be sorry about. It was just...you were gone...and well, you know, we’re used to having you...around.”

“You missed me?” Kurt asked with a hint of his usual mischief. Relief swelled over him. She didn’t know.

“Of course I missed you, silly boy.” Kitty reached over and hugged him fiercely.

Kurt gave a grunt of pain and quelled a panic reflex to jerk away. He patted her back awkwardly. Finally, she released him and stood smiling as if everything was suddenly all right. Kurt wanted that for Kitty even more than he wanted it for himself.

She gathered up the tray and placed it on his lap. “There, breakfast. It’s kinda light. Ororo said you haven’t eaten in days. How horrible.”

Kurt said nothing and picked up a cover to reveal hot cereal with buttergar gar and cream to go on top. His mouth started watering.

“There’s juice and a piece of toast with butter and some fresh fruit.” Kitty sat on the chair beside the bed and obviously intended to watch him eat every last bite.

“This is wunderbar.” He raised his gaze up to hers and was rewarded with another perfect Kitty smile. “Thank you.”

“Oh it’s nothing...really.” She actually blushed. “Didn’t think you could handle one of my muffins this morning.”

“Oh no...no...thank you.”

He ate slowly as Ororo had ordered and every bite was delicious. Eating, what a singular, every day activity so taken for granted. Kurt felt Kitty’s gaze on him as if she feared he’d disappear again, maybe forever this time.

He gave an involuntary shudder.

“Are you cold. Do you need another blanket?”

Kurt managed half a smile. “No, I’m...I’m fine.” He shoved the tray back and sighed. “Thanks again for bringing me breakfast.”

“That’s the least I can do considering what you’ve been through.”

Kurt looked away. “What do you know about what happened to me...and Logan.”

She shook her head. “Oh, nothing specific. But I know it wasn’t good.”

“Nothing good,” he murmured.

“I’m so sorry, Kurt.” Kitty reached out and touched Kurt’s wrist lightly where his fur was rubbed raw and the skin beneath. “What did this?” she asked in a hushed tone.

Memories flooded Kurt’s mind of hanging helpless from chains, the beatings and the electric tortures forcing muffled cries of agony from his gagged mouth. He shook his head and pulled his knees up tight against his chest, hugging himself.

“Oh Kurt, you’re really scaring me. Not knowing how you were hurt and what that man, Trask did to you.”

“If I told you...it would scare you more,” Kurt whispered without meeting her gaze.

“Kitty,” Logan’s voice sounded from the doorway.

Kurt glanced up surprised he hadn’t heard Logan enter. Dressed in his black uniform, Logan looked as fit as ever, as if nothing had happened. Lucky Logan.

“Can you give me and the...Kurt a minute here?”

Kitty rose. “Yeah. Sure. How are you?” She rushed to Logan and hugged him, looking up with such admiration. “We were so worried about both of you.”

“As good as new, half pint,” Logan replied, giving her a quick squeeze and backing off. Kurt thought he heard a hint of sarcasm and maybe some weariness in Logan’s tone.

“I’ll just take this down to the kitchen.” She picked up the tray and headed toward the door. “I’ll check on you later, Kurt.”

Logan waited until she was gone then turned back to Kurt. “Kitty askin’ questions?” Logan asked as he sat in the chair now relinquished by Kitty.

Kurt nodded. “It’s hard to know what to say. I don’t really want to talk to any of them about it. She asked a simple question and I...all I could do was remember. I don’t want her to know how terrible it was. I can’t imagine something like that happening to her, but it could have.”

“Yeah, we all have our vulnilitilities,” Logan replied. “But now we know to be on high alert. We’re gonna stop him. We’re not gonna let this happen to another mutant. Not if I can help it.”

Kurt glanced up and tried for normal conversation. “You...look well, Logan.”

“You, on the other hand, look like hell.” Logan reached for Kurt’s arm and looked over the stitches.

“Thank you for your astute observation,” Kurt replied. “I don’t heal so fast as you.”

“Yeah, it’s a bummer. That means get get to lie around in bed for the next few days and get Kitty and maybe Rogue to wait on you hand and foot.”

“That’s the good side of this situation?”

Logan gently let go of Kurt’s arm and looked up. “That’s as good as it gets on this one, elf.” Logan reached out as if he couldn’t stop himself and smoothed Kurt’s tousled hair.

The gesture seemed strange yet somehow normal. He had gotten used to Logan’s touch so quickly. When did it start feeling like it had been this way forever?

“I don’t know why you let me touch you?” Logan said, his voice thick. But he didn’t stop, his fingers trailing down Kurt’s face to examine the knife wound.

“I don’t know. Maybe...I’m a little...confused.”

“Confused? Yeah. I know what you mean.” Logan closed his eyes and let his hand drop away. “You know, I’d do anything to make this right...for this to never have happened. Anything.”

“I know, Logan. It’s just,eel eel like...I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t understand how...why....” Kurt shook his head unable to complete his thoughts.

“I did that to you. Made you confused,” Logan said. “I didn’t want you to get hurt any more than you had to. I wanted to make it better for you.”

“You did,” Kurt replied.

“I don’t know, kid. Maybe I made a mistake. A mistake for both of us.”

“I don’t remember Trask giving us any choices.”

Logan met Kurt’s gaze. “I’m just sayin’ maybe you should have fought me the second time --- all the way.”

Kurt swallowed hard. “And gotten my arm broken...or my shoulder dislocated?” His agitation rose at the thought of being raped twice, of having that done to him again in that way. “Or maybe that time you might not have been able to control the violence. Maybe you would have just sliced me up into little pieces. That would have entertained Trask.”

Logan sighed, his own confusion evident. “I don’t know. We don’t know what would have happened.”

“That’s right,” Kurt replied, his voice shaking. “We don’t. But I do know that it wouldn’t have been better! I may feel confused now... about...about myself...about you, but that...rape...would not have been better!”

Claustrophobia enveloped Kurt and he “ported” out of bed and over to the balcony doors. An autumn breeze blew in, gently ruffling his hair. He stared out at the sunny day, but felt only a chill in his heart. He stood, leaning against the wall and tried to ignore the throbbing pains waking further in his body.

He heard Logan sigh and the chair scrape back.

“Kurt,” Logan said in a husky voice just behind him. “I’m sorry. I can’t tell you how sorry I am. It’s just the whole thing keeps runnin’ through my head and I keep searchin’ for a way I could have done things differently. Anything to....to....”

“You can’t make it go away, Logan,” Kurt said. “It’s here between us. We had no choices no matter how hard you try to find them. We did what we had to do.”

Kurt wrapped his arms around himself, but what he remembered was Logan’s arms around him, making him feel something he’d never felt before. Logan stood so close to him, breath ruffling his hair and the man’s warmth radiated out like a furnace. A hand touched his hair again and Kurt knew Logan couldn’t help himself. Was the drug still screwing with Logan’s mind, with his body?

Fingers stroked Kurt’s hair and he felt Logan’s face close, nuzzling his ear, sniffing his hair.

“You took a shower,” Logan said in a low rumble.

“Yes,” Kurt replied, his throat constricting on the word. “Why wouldn’t I?”

“Hmmm? Right,” Logan said distractedly. “I’ve got to go for a few days. I just wanted to let you know.”

Kurt turned, a sudden terror latching onto his heart. His eyes must have given him away.

“No, it’s not because of you,” Logan said. “Or what happened between us. I gotta talk to Fury. Find out what SHIELD knows about this place of Trask’s. Got a few other contacts to...interrogate.”

Kurt nodded and felt obliged to step back and lean on the railing just to put some distance between himself and Logan. The feelings welling up inside of him were too uncomfortable to explore right then. He didn’t feel up to any of it.

Logan took a step back. “I’m comin’ on a little strong, aren’t I?”

“Well....”

“Sorry.” Logan ran his fingers back through his hair. “Hank took a blood sample. He’s gonna try to find out just what was in that injection.”

Kurt nodded. “But you’re still feeling it.”

“Yeah, I guess I am. Pretty obvious, I’d say.”

Kurt nodded again. But he wasn’t given an injection. Why was he feeling like this?

Logan cleared his throat, looked away then back to Kurt again. “I’d better go. You need to rest. Anyway, you don’t need me around makin’ you feel more uncomfortable than you already are.”

“I,” Kurt began, pushing away from the railing. “I don’t mind you around. I feel safe when you’re here.” He bowed his head when he saw a look of incredulity cross Logan’s face.

“Hey,” Logan said, fingers lifting Kurt’s face up by the chin. “I’m flattered. But after everything I did to you, I just don’t know how you consider yourself safe around me. I’m still not sure you are.” Logan’s fingers brushed down Kurt’s cheek, smoothing back his hair from his eyes. “Get some rest. I’ll be back in a few days. Maybe things will have calmed down by then.”

Kurt gave another nod and took Logan’s hand in his. “Be careful, Logan. You don’t know if SHIELD might be involved with Trask.”

“I’ll be careful,” Logan said with half a smile. “But Fury isn’t likely to condone anything Trask is doin’. He’ll be up-front with me if I have to beat it out of him.”

That made Kurt smile in return, instantly regretting the action. He licked his lips and watched Logan turn from him, letting his fingers open and Logan’s hand slide away.