Haunts

Title: Haunts
Author: Artery Break (Xmucksous in later chapters)
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Never were never will be mine and that's okay.
Summary: Logan's pain as only Logan can tell it. If you dislike
graphic details then beware.

Song(s) Staind's Mudshovel and Evenflow Enjoy and please review.


The Devil May Call


Death is laughing in his ears, teasing and taunting in its
elusive warmth. This was what Logan wants, to feel the infinite
darkness wrap around him and float him away. If he could just pull
together the courage to press down, he could leave the pain and never
return.

You take away
I feel the same

A sharp pounding on wood and Logan's eyes shoot open to stare
unseeing at his white ceiling. Some one is knocking at his door.

"What!" His question comes out as a blood-chilling roar. There is a
long silence on the other end before a timid squeak reaches his
sensitive ears.

"Logan? You hungry?" It's Scott. Shit, this is all he needs to
complete his ever-growing happiness.

"Look you little whore, why don't you and everyone else in this shit
hole go fuck yerselves."

"Logan, how long are you going to hate me?"

"As long as it fuckin' takes. Now go away before you piss me off!"

Logan means to sound as pissed and homicidal as he feels. He
listens to the sounds of retreating feet and swallows the wad of hate
wedged in his esophagus. Twice. Twice he had given into
temptation. Twice he believed the lies and heeded the pleas and
twice his heart was mercilessly ripped from his chest. The first
time Scott told him it was a mistake, a moment of weakness. He spat
out expressions of endearment and undying love until Logan caved
under the weight of the words and that promising smile. Scott had
led him back to the room and they fucked as Logan struggled to forget
what he had seen. The last time Logan didn't even stop to listen to
the sweet, empty words. He doubted he could have heard them from
around the dick shoved halfway down that little slut's throat. He
had simply left, closing the door behind him. The next few days were
spent tearing up everything he touched. Cursing the air every shade
of blue at anyone unfortunate enough to question his change in moods.

You take away
I feel the same
All the promises you made to me you made in vain
I lost myself inside your tainted smile again

Logan feels lost, shattered. There wasn't a single person he
could turn to. No one had known about him and Scott and to let it
out now wouldn't help him at all. Logan is a private man and that's
the way it is going to stay, no matter how much it may hurt. He
turns on his side and stares out the window watching the night throw
a blanket over everything. He closes his eyes and concentrates on
heaving that same darkness over the hurt welling up inside. Driving
it back into its respective black hole where it is swallowed up into
oblivion. It's an old trick he learned and it keeps him sane. Sane
enough for Wolverine he thinks bitterly.
Now his time is spent in his room, mentally kicking himself
for ever having felt happy. You don't let yourself be happy cause
happy leads to pain. Old pain that will always haunt you with some
pretty new shell. After Mariko he had pretty much given up on real
love. He can only speculate how many more are to die from their
exposure to him. He is the element forever cursed with the gift of
ultimate destruction. There isn't a soul safe from his torrent of
chaos. Everything would eventually die, withered and blown away in
the winds of time. He will never feel that breeze sweeping him to
safety. Like some vampire he will watch the generations being born
and then die. He is a meaningless soul doomed to tread just beyond
the grasp of hell for all eternity.


Cause you can feel my ANGER
You can feel my pain
You can feel my torment
Driving me insane
I can't fight these feelings they will bring you pain
You can't take away
Make me whole again

Logan roars his contempt for life and the cruelty of fate to
the startling emptiness of his room. He huffs in a deep breathe and
jumps out of bed. His legs give underneath him and he falls
lifelessly to the floor. He now remembers that he hasn't eaten
anything in four days. His stomach had stopped growling some time
ago, completely exhausted with the constant effort. With a groan he
forces himself to his feet and limps over to the door. With what
strength he has in reserve he jerks the door open and finds himself
facing a very surprised Scott. Logan feels a growl rise to his
throat.

"Get the fuck away from me." He whispers harshly and pushes past
Scott. The force of his push catches him off guard and he stumbles
into the railing. Scott moves to help him but Logan snaps at him
with a snarl.

"Don't touch me ya filthy piece of trash!"

"Logan stop it, I'm trying to do the civilized thing and help you."

"Ya wanna help me?" Logan unsheathes his claws and brings them level
to his chest. "Run forward." Scott rolls his eyes.

"Why are you being like this? It was over between us even before any
of that happened."

"Then why did ya beg me to take ya back the first time?" Scott looks
down at his feet.

"I wanted one last fuck."

Logan fights to restrain himself as the urge to impale Scott
right in the hallway rises. He doubts he has the strength to
anyway. Instead, he leans on the railing and slowly creeps towards
the staircase. Only Scott isn't done yet, he calls after Logan.

"It's not like you didn't know. You wanted it too."

Logan grips the railing hard, his knuckles turning milky
white. He hears a slight crack as the wood splinters under the force
of his grasp. He doesn't respond to Scott and instead proceeds to
his original objective, the kitchen.

I feel betrayed
Stuck in your ways
And you rip me apart
With the brutal things you say
I can't deal with shit anymore
I just look away

It takes a significant amount of strength just to reach the
kitchen. By the time he makes it he is panting and sweat is forming
on his brow. He didn't even know he could feel so weak. He lifts
his head and is met with wide eyes and blank stares from everyone in
the room. This earns all of them a throaty growl and they suddenly
lose interest in the obviously pissed off loner. He smiles inwardly
and stumbles over to the fridge and begins rummaging around for
something decent to eat. When he finds what he is looking for and
lifts his head again, the room is completely empty. A sharp snort of
disgust escapes his nostrils and he moves to the large table to
eat.
After a few long moments a slight movement at the far end of
the room catches his eye and he snaps his head up. Remy flinches
almost minutely at the sudden motion. He had tried to be quiet so as
not to disturb Logan but he should have known better than to try and
sneak past the sensitive older man. He looked like absolute shit.
The usual mischievous glint that lit his deep blue eyes was gone,
replaced with a white cloud that made him look almost dead to the
world. His rugged good looks were worn and haggard. For some odd
reason not that reason had much to do with it, Remy felt a choking
pain clutch at his chest. To see Logan looking so utterly, defeated
was the only word that Remy could think of that would possibly
describe Logan's current state. He had lost what looked to be close
to twenty pounds and it showed. His clothes hung off his frame and
some of the muscles that had been so finely tuned were now weak from
lack of activity and nourishment. Remy had never seen Logan like
this and it scared him more than the metal claws and bad temper the
man possessed ever had.

"Logan, mon ami y' feelin' o' kay? Y' look like hell." Logan sighs
and stabs at the food in front of him with his claws.

"Thanks fer yer concern Gumbo but I ain't feelin' up ta a friendly
chat right now so…" Logan waves his hand as if dismissing the young
man. Remy furrows his brow and continues to watch Logan for a few
more minutes before sighing and walking past his seated form. He
stops just before the door and turns to face Logan's back.

"If dat's de way y' gonna play, fine. Just want y' t' know that Remy
always willin' t' listen." Logan closes his eyes tightly and
swallows, his throat suddenly bone dry. Without another word, Remy
walks out of the room, leaving Logan to sit in misery and pain.

You take away
I feel the same
All these promises
You promised only pain
If you take away
And leave me with nothing again

Deep moans, salty sweat and heavy man sex assaults the
senses. This is Scott's room. This is Scott, but that's not me.
Scott, on his knees with someone else's dick in his mouth. Eyes
wide, too stunned to say anything as I fight my instinct to rip him
apart and love every minute of it. Tear into his soft warm flesh,
smell the copper of blood mixed with sex and fear. Kill the enemy,
hurt the lover who betrayed you. You gave everything of you and this
is the thanks he gives you. Crawls on his knees to another cock
while you remain loyal? This little bitch doesn't deserve the
decency of a swift death, kill slowly. Watch him writhe in pain.
Hear the little fuck beg and plead and scream for mercy and don't
give him any. Where was his pity when you were in pain? Where was
his love for you then, when you found him spread on his bed with a
cock rammed up his dirty hole? Where was his love then?

You will feel my anger
You will feel my pain
You will feel my torment
Driving you insane
I can't fight these feelings they will bring you pain
You won't take away
I'll be whole again

Logan feels a roar pulsing through his body and his arms flail
wildly. The sounds of cloth tearing bring him crash landing back to
reality. A choked sob escapes his throat and hot tears stain his
face. No one ever sees him this way. The pain is so intense. Logan
wants to scream, cry and just sink to the floor and will his own
death. But fate is never that merciful. He will wake up, breathing
as always but never truly alive. He has never been alive.

Even flow, thoughts arrive like butterflies
Oh, he don't know, so he chases them away
Someday yet, he'll begin his life again
Whispering hands, gently lead him away
Him away, him away...

Suddenly, through the white haze of pain and hate, a soft
darkness flows over his whole body. Like calm gentle hands, soothing
his tired soul and calming the raging beast. Warm arms wrap
themselves around his mind and drown out the screams of pain and
sorrow. And he feels nothing as sleep clouds his mind.