rate_review Reviews

Ok, I have to admit this isn't your strongest work. The 'whole thing on camera' is really out of nowhere and just seems to happen... because Rahne said it did last chapter. But mostly its just because I'm not really into Rahne. And read this chapter over the coming

I did like the continued dash of realism to the sex scenes. With the first Jamie's overexcitement.

As to the accent. It did bother me a bit at the start but I stopped noticing as I got going. I'm just a bit too far south to comment on the accuracy of the accent and slang but there was certainly no terms there that I didn't know or were immediately apparent from the context.

I enjoyed this chapter. I think you definitely improved on the accent issues. It was still a bit tough to follow at times. I didn't get some of the slang words that Rahne was using and it read kind of strangely at times. But overall, it was a nicely thought out scene. Jamie and Rahne have had a history in the comics and I think it was hinted at in the show if only slightly. Throwing a video camera into the mix was an interesting twist. It's not usually something people do on their first time, but then again I can see how the heat of the moment might take over. lol Rahne's multi-orgasmic performances were pretty out there. Given her powers, maybe she was in heat or something. It sounds like something that could have and maybe should have been elaborated on. But I still enjoyed it.

So who is next? Which couple will tell their story now? I look forward to your next take. Please keep up the good work. And thank you for your support on Festival of X! Until next time, take care and best wishes.

MarvelMaster616

Another nice chapter. Definitely an improvement in my opinion. I would have liked to see a flashback that showed Amara apologizing to Sam for her reaction. I figure that if she didn't get pregnant, she would feel pretty bad about it. But if the focus was simply on first times, I suppose that works. The girl talk after certainly was entertaining. And informative too, noting the difference between latex condoms and polyurethane. But everyone seems to have their opinion on first times. I really like how they got into a whole discussion about what the word 'fire crotch' meant. lol That was a nice touch. So now it seems like we'll get a depiction of Rahne's first time. I look forward to this, but I think you've overdone the accent a bit. I know she's Scottish and all, but it was kind of hard to read what she was saying. I think you should cut back on that and just use a few adisms like "Aye" and "lass" and "dinnae." Also, Rahne sleeping naked and being so blunt about sex seems a little OOC, but I'm willing to see how you play it out in the next chapter. I trust your skill to make it awesome. So please keep up the great work. And thanks for your support on Festival of X.

MarvelMaster616

Hey

Great story. Really enjoying it so far. I like the interludes with all the girls talking and I like the way you're making the characters your own, even if it may be a little out of character. I can't wait to hear Rahne's story as she's one of my favorite characters along with Danielle. I also hope you do something for Rogue, maybe A solo thing like has already been mentioned. Anyways keep up the good work, can't wait for more

Hmm. Foreshadowing for poor Tabby.

And Rogue comments were fun. Does this mean we don't get a spotlight for her? Perhaps she could have a solo scene. Have 'lose of virginity' be literal. As broken hymen via sex toys or whatever.

I don't think I've ever seen a story with a promiscuous Rahne. The only downside to using her; is that accent. I get X-Men comics and fics do tend to transliterate accents but that doesn't make them easier to read.

Another nice chapter that shows a great attention to detail that I don't see too often on this site. Once again, I commend you for taking the time to set the situation and develop the characters. I do agree with AgentG on some levels that you overplayed the royalty angle for Amara. She really wasn't all that royal in X-men Evolution. In fact, that aspect was never explored that much and for the most part, she did act like a normal teenager. It seems like a shift here, but beyond that I think you painted a very realistic description of Amara's first time with Sam. Not every first time is going to be memorable. In fact, sometimes it can go horribly wrong. A condom breaking would definitely qualify. Again, I really applaud you for going into the kind of detail that most writers don't give when they write a story on this site. This felt very real and very honest. I really do want to see what you do with this. Will other couples get involved? How far do you plan to take this story? I look forward to seeing what happens next. Please keep up the good work. Until next time, take care and best wishes.

MarvelMaster616

Made a forum post about this but I don't want to seem like I'm going behind AgentG's back or something. So I'll say this here; Once again I find myself in stark disagreement with some of the other reviewers. The idea that you've 'mischaracterised' Amara is silly, considering the cartoon itself barely characterised here anyway.

Yes, Amara wasn't that royal in the cartoon, because the Nova Roma princess stuff was entirely absent. You've added it back in from the comics. (Something I know AgentG has done) and you've actually integrated into her character. Which is a damn sight better than saying she's a princess and not having affect her attitude at all.

And look at when Amara gets all haughty and royal we. its when she's panicking and scared about the broken condom. That's not mischaracterisation. It's a stroke of genius. It implies that her normal behavior is affected; its an attitude she adopts to fit in with the other students. But when things really start going down and she panics; she reverts back to who she really is rather than her adopted persona. That's great.

Holy crap. Poor Sam. That is not the standard porn 'loss of virginity goes awesomely' story.

The story telling theme in interesting as you've done not to facilitate a flashback but to tell it on their own words. Which means first person writing and less explicit porn. You've done it quite well though and in most parts it really does sound how Amara might describe the situation.

Still Amara's background has been entirely lifted from the comics? I don't recall any princess of nova roma stuff in the cartoon. Just brazillian chick with an affinty for volcaneos. Still the princess background is worth it just for the scene of the panic amara suddenly starting to use the royal we. :D

excellent story so far i feel really sorry for sam hopefully they patch up real good keep up the good work

A decent enough start. A bit exposition heavy but I guess that's hard to avoid for this kind of thing. Have to wonder if you're over doing the 616 references a bit. Really it was just Jubilee that felt a little forced. Evo Jubilee only really favoured the yellow coat as far as I know. Not the rest of the 616 get up. And since the evo Jubilee still has her parents, the 'mall is home' thing also sounded a bit odd.

Nevertheless, I don't want to sound too negative, I'm looking forward to more.